There must be more than this.

It's been tiring. 

I'm not sure why I've been feeling pretty "sian" and "lifeless" these few weeks. 

Maybe it's the nature of work/things that I've been doing. 

I don't know. 

Just feeling pretty bored, and strangely feeling bored is a tiring feeling.

I feel slightly more depressed slightly more often. 

I thought I could survive with the mundane, I thought I wasn't such an adventurous person. 

But it turns out otherwise. 

I really don't like doing mundane things.

Need to find satisfaction that's beyond the mundane, or maybe while doing what's mundane. 

Need to cultivate a heart of thankfulness and gratefulness too. 

Need to stretch myself to do beyond the mundane too. 

There must be more than this.

Greatest sin, Most Amazing Grace

They say that as a teenager, one goes through a lot of changes to know who you are, to want to fit in. 

I say that being a young adult, one faces similar challenges as well, though, perhaps to a lesser degree because you don't feel as awkward about yourself. But I still feel the challenge of finding who I am as a young adult, or adult for that matter. And you also want to fit in.

I find that talking to people older than me can be intimidating. I always feel like I'm not brainy enough, not mature enough, not knowledgeable enough. It takes a lot of mental and emotional energy for me to keep up with adult conversations. It's somewhat like taking a step out of my comfort zone. I do what I can to connect with adults, but I sometimes still feel like I'm different, like I'm a step lower than them in life. 

Recently I just had a dinner with 2 older couples, that I went together with my boyfriend. Before the dinner, that similar sense of discomfort and stress came upon me. I was quite afraid that I couldn't match up with adult conversations again. Like, what if I have nothing much to contribute, what if I can't connect with them? I was quite disturbed by this sense of discomfort that I told myself that I needed to do something about it. I can't always be feeling intimidated by such events. 

I reflected on this discomfort and this stress. I realise that part of the stress came from the fact that I believe that I have to prove myself to myself and to others that I'm good enough. And perhaps believing that people will only accept me based on whether I'm good enough. I don't even know what good enough means, but I guess it's like, being good enough to socialize and actively engage in conversations.

I further reflected that proving myself has always been a theme in my life. It's just not as apparent when I am able to prove myself. It's more obvious when I can't. Perhaps in the past, I could meet my own standards and now I feel like I can't at times. 

Then I realised the greatest irony in my life and in my faith: For me, the hardest truth to accept is the truth that I'm accepted by God purely by grace because of what Jesus has done for me. I preach it, teach it, but I don't live by it most of the time. 

I don't live my life by grace. I still live my life primarily by setting standards for myself and for others. If I meet these standards, I accept myself and if I don't, I beat myself up (figuratively). I'm constantly feeling like I'm not good enough and I strive so hard to meet up to my standards or society's standards. That's why I can be a perfectionist at times and I am so diligent at times. Perfectionist and diligent people aren't always the ones doing it right. So don't compliment diligence and perfectionism without understanding the motivations behind them.  And if I can't meet those standards, I get anxious, depressed and if the standards are just too high, I run away and withdraw. 

My greatest sin is that I've rejected God's gift of grace and salvation, and I've rejected the truth that I am not good enough because I'm always striving to prove that I am. I make myself to be my own Saviour and my own Lord. A lot of my insecurities, discomfort, stress are merely symptoms of this greatest sin. But the truth is that I'm fully accepted and dearly loved by God because of Jesus' Person and His work.

And so, before the dinner, I figured that I no longer need to prove myself. I felt a huge burden off my chest. It turned out to be quite a nice dinner and nice fellowship. Of course, I'm not saying that there wouldn't be any discomfort. Because of age differences and different life stages, there will definitely be that sense of uneasiness at points in time. But it wouldn't bother me as much anymore, because I'm accepted and I don't need to prove myself anymore. Even if others don't accept me and think I'm lousy, I don't think I am. What matters is the value and worth I have in God, that I believe in that value and worth, and I live knowing that I have value and worth. In this I find true liberation, to live as we were meant to live. 

It's still going to be struggle to face my greatest sin and to live knowing that I'm fully accepted and loved because of Jesus. But I'm thankful that I figured this part about me. I can start repenting, and start living by faith.