Christmas season

It's finally Christmas and a longer break over the weekend from work. The past month was packed with loads of work and over-timing at work because of having to meet clients to review their assistance and vetting reports/reviews, and attending to crises cases. I was hardly breathing at times because the pace of work was just so fast.

I can finally take a breather.

It's the season of rest, resting in Christ's work as well.
It's the season of joy and celebration, to enjoy all of God's gifts - whether material, relational or spiritual.

Merry Christmas :) 

Temptations of the social service field

¹⁹ “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. ²⁰ But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. ²¹ For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
²² “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy,^[c] your whole body will be full of light. ²³ But if your eyes are unhealthy,^[d] your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!
²⁴ “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money. (Matt 6:19-24)

Have been reflecting on how subtle the difference is between treasures on earth and treasures in heaven. For if we do "Godly", "holy" or "noble" things for ourselves, no matter how upright or "Christian" the cause is, it is an earthly treasure we are trying to store up - to get Man's praise and glory, which is temporal and will be forgotten. Heavenly treasures then, are not merely "noble" or "Christian" things, but all of life that gives praise to who God is.

Tim Keller had advised in his book "Every Good Endeavour" to be aware of the potential dangers of the field of our work; and that with each field the temptations are different in nature. Perhaps building our list of "great deeds" or "great counseling" for those in need is one of the greatest temptations in the social service field. While we can be thankful for success stories, we need to always attribute our gifts back to the Gift Giver and to the one who is ultimately sovereign over and ordering the lives of the poor and broken. 

No matter how noble our profession/job/role is, it doesn't define who we are and the object of our worship. Sure, we would certainly live our identity as children of God/believers of Christ differently in our different work contexts and we certainly must use our gifts/talents to the best of our abilities, but our identity always has to be rooted in Christ and not in our work. Our work may shape the way we think, feel and act, but we need to ensure that how we think, feel and act is of praise and honour to our King. 

Praying that I'll be more rooted in Christ and who He is, rather than solely being attracted to what the fields of psychology, counseling and social work have to offer. I honour my field, but God is still the owner and Master whom I must worship and love.

It is finished!!

Just had a CRAZY week of running a programme for kids. I salute all pre-school and primary school teachers for their patience and perseverence! It really requires so much energy, mental strength (to bear with childishness, silliness, cheesy-ness and to teach the kids). I don't know how they survive on a regular basis. Kudos to all pre-school and primary school teachers.

The programme is finally over! and it ended on a pretty good note, and our team also was more united than ever before. :)

Being me, it's really not in my personality to be part of children's programmes. But I was assigned to do it so I decided that I wouldn't die (physically/mentally/emotionally) while doing this programme, and so I decided to try anyways. And to be honest, it was assigned to me as part of my work so it was somewhat also obligatory.

It's really not easy, as I'm inexperienced with children's programmes (I only planned a part of a children's program 2 years ago). And having to supervise the programme was also tough. Here are some of the challenges:

1. Programme had to be learning-friendly, age appropriate - and I was so unfamiliar with the level of learning children of that age have. We had to kind of re-do our programme outlines because the initial drafts were too abstract.

2. Had to play a leadership role - I am totally not a natural leader and it's hard for me to make decisions fast.

3. Had to look into general logistics - I can be a scatter brain sometimes and I have forgotten the most fundamental things at other programmes so it was really nerve wrecking. I had to note down every single thing just in case.

The programme was really a brain-cramp for me in all aspects. This is because I process things abstractly. so the fact that I had to process things concretely to plan and run the programme made my brain go nuts! - to go down to children's level to relate and teach them, to oversee logistics and to make decisions as a leader. Even the most fundamental things like children grouping, eating, queuing up, putting things into their bags, keeping quiet, going to the toilet were extremely stressful moments because they could turn out extremely messy if not managed well.

Thank God for an awesome team who were so enthusiastic, and who persevered in working together. :) Thank God for colleagues who helped out, especially with the louder kids. Thank God for His grace and mercy (there were no mishaps or accidents or missing kids... just kids who quarreled and went wild at points).

Would I do it again? If I had a choice, I wouldn't. Not because it was a bad experience, but because I think I would rather focus on what my heart is inclined to do more of - which is counseling and working with my clients.

But it was a humbling experience, as there were so many things I was quite unsure of and had to learn. And I really learnt how working as a team really matters. And I've also learned to have a positive attitude even in things I'm not that passionate for. What really helped to have a positive attitude was to remember that the kids are created in God's image and that the programme would be a meaningful time for them to learn good values and meet older folks who have the heart for them.

Thank God for process and experience.

Leaving

It is sad when people leave.

This past half a year, I've certainly experienced people leaving and myself leaving as well. Realised how much impact relationships can make in our lives - whether we feel that we are in a position of helping or receiving help in the particular relationship. Will certainly miss some experiences with these people. With some of them whom I've received help from, it's been inspiring to see their passion and love for God and people in what they do. It's encouraging to see how different these people are yet reflecting aspects of the image of God in their character and lifestyles.

Will also be missing people whom I serve. I know this sounds cliche, but through this experience, I've gained so much and I'm thankful for the friendships that have been made. Sometimes it is really in serving others that we understand ourselves a lot better. And I certainly have. It's been a great privilege.

I suppose we can never fully know whether the decisions that we've made are right or not, or in line with God's will. But we make the wise decision we can make for the season and trust God. Like what one of my colleagues said today, we need not get caught up with our circumstances, but most importantly, we need to be at rest with God in our circumstances. how simple but yet profound! Praying for this rest each step of the way, even as people come and go, and it can be really hard.

Contending with so many issues of life stages and life issues that I've never really or fully been through. Sometimes it is difficult to truly empathize or even hold the pain that my clients (people that I help) really go through - as single parents, foreigners, abused spouses/children, children with absent fathers, emotionally-absent mothers, those struggling with mental health issues, divorce, chronic health problems. It's easy to also feel defeated and wonder how much impact we can really make when issues are already so chronic and complex. 

Also, even though I've been in field for only a few years, there's been so many challenging issues that I've experienced. And as I contend with these issues, I am also finding myself, personally and professionally.

We are on this journey, and the going is tough, but my clients have also shown resilience amidst their difficulties. In the midst of pain, may we keep going and finding hope.

Press on.

<i>It may sound absurd but don't be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed but won't you concede
Even Heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me</i>

Before You I Kneel (A Worker's Prayer) - Keith & Kristyn Getty

This song always reminds and helps me put into perspective the place of work in my life. I'm inclined to get anxious about the tons of work that needs to be done, anxious about what happens if I don't do enough for the people I help/counsel. The lyrics of the song helps me put into perspective that God is Master and I just need to serve Him alone - this is the most liberating truth. Because we serve the One who loves us most dearly, and is walking with us each step of the way, providing grace and strength for each task. 

Truly Human

Truly Human

I love this article, and the quote from Prince Caspian - Aslan’s response to the children in Prince Caspian: “You come of the Lord Adam and the Lady Eve,’ said Aslan. ‘And that is both honour enough to erect the head of the poorest beggar, and shame enough to bow the shoulders of the greatest emperor in earth.".

Praying that God will help me truly be human. This article encourages me to continue to encounter Him (through prayer, His Word, community) so that I will know what it means to reflect His image.

just staying with and being with

nothing much to reflect on this week, even though it has been very hectic and at times, stressful. Thankful for a few experiences through the week that helped to reinforce how important it is to stay with and be with the people that I meet for counseling, rather than to be anxious about problem solving or interpreting their situations too early.

through these experiences, it has dawned upon me about how people long to just be. to just be who they are, without the need to pretend or protect themselves from being judged or shamed. I've had people telling me that what was most helpful about the session was that they could be themselves. I think this is powerful in the therapeutic process because it really frees the person from needing to protect or defend themselves in the session with me, and be more open to being challenged and to discussions.

times at work have been tough, but I also want to remember these moments as given by God to encourage me to keep pressing on to be counter cultural in the interactions I have with the people I meet; one that is not shame-based, but based on our humanity and our relationship with God.

House of Pain

House of Pain

I was reading this article called "House of Pain" on RZIM webpage and it really moved and enlightened me. In our counseling theories, we have been taught to be the "secure base" (ie a person who will provide another person a sense of safety and security when he/she is going through a crisis) for the people we counsel. We are suppose to be taking in, identifying with and validating their pain. Even though I wouldn't ignore or disregard the fact that counsellors do need to facilitate people to work through their pain, we are definitely not their saviours nor the ones who would ultimately be able to provide the healing and rest they truly need.

When we think we are the saviours of the world, we feel overly burdened, emotionally drained, overwhelmed and anxious for the people we meet till the point that we feel apathetic and just want to run away from the people (with their problems) we meet. I truly can identify with the author's feeling of wanting to run away. Perhaps when I reach this point at times, I can almost conclude that I am facing all these thinking that I am God, being able to carry the weight of the burdens and pain of the world.

God is calling me to let go and let God. I know this quote sounds cliche, but perhaps, it is staying connected to and depending on God through these pains that will allow us to reflect the one whom we belong to. And when we do so, perhaps the people around us will truly get a glimpse of who they truly need. It is my prayer that the people I encounter will ask more about the God that I encounter each day. I pray that I will reflect Jesus Christ more as I encounter Him more.

I now realize that Christianity is really not about doing more or being a better person, it is about encountering Christ and in doing so, imitating Him more and more.

Changing the world in us

 http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tgc/2013/10/08/how-god-changes-us-while-we-change-the-world/

I was reading the above post in the above website link. How true! And it helped me make sense of how I can see my work in light of God's work and plan for the world as well. Work has been hard, as I come into contact with large aspects of the physical, emotional, psychological impact of the world after the fall. I shouldn't be surprised that it would be hard, challenging and difficult.

Nevertheless, I've been reflecting on why all these have been happening; why all these crises have been happening to the people that I work with, and needless to say, impacting me too, because I work closely with them and I bring myself into the work that I do. One of the reasons is because the world is fallen. Yet, God is still at work in our lives.

Knowing that God is still at work keeps me from wanting to just find a quick relief or get bitter about all the suffering. Perhaps through these experiences, God is calling me to trust in Him and depend on Him to still reflect Christ in moments of crisis. And it's all the more that He can become my secure base and I can experience Him as my true attachment figure.

Crises are anxiety provoking, de-stabilizing, uncertain, bleak (one cannot see the end in mind sometimes), depressing and they induce a sense of helplessness too.

#justwannarunawayfromallthis

But when times are trying and hard, I would also start questioning whether God is trustworthy enough for me to put my trust in Him, and start praying for God to help me see the world - people, myself through the eyes of Christ. This is the hope that we have. And we are privileged recipients of this hope in Christ. The hope that God is still at work, that He works with us to meet our needs, to save and restore us and one day, He'll come back to perfect the new heaven and the new earth.

Freedom comes when I call You Lord

As one can observe from my blog posts, there's been so much tiredness and fatigue from having to handle crises cases on a rather regular basis at work. For sure, I never thought that my work would be so intense and sometimes on a crisis basis. It's not something I really "signed up" for when I wanted to enter the social service field. I thought I avoided the social service agencies that operated on a crisis management framework. It's been so tiring that there have been days where I feel that I have nothing left to give except to operate on auto-pilot mode and not bother to empathize with the people I work with. It's a lot easier not to invest so much of myself. Sometimes when I receive another crisis phonecall, the thought in my mind will be, "what now?" and then I'll roll my eyes and become very task oriented with the person.

Well, I've always enjoyed the fruits of doing more therapeutic work with some of the people I work with, esp when the sessions facilitated their discovery of themselves or life's meaning and purpose.

But I guess, being in the social service field, one cannot escape providing for basic needs and advocating for the people we serve, even if it means to personal sacrifices of our time and (emotional/mental) energy to go an extra mile to be where the person is at (ie meeting basic needs of food, shelter, safety). Probably this is one of the fundamental differences between social work and psychology/psychiatry/counseling. We meet them at their point of need, pace with them, and develop/build people up from there. It's not a glamorous job (at least from the point of society's perception), but hey, perhaps this is the beauty and meaning of what we do when we are able to be where our people are.

Apart from this understanding, I was also reflecting on how tired I was (nothing new), and how perhaps, how anxious and burdened I also was in doing my work. It was like the world was on my shoulders and if I wasn't there, the people/cases would die or something. I didn't feel like going to work with a dark cloud looming over my head and with a very heavy heart, obviously.

Then I reflected, or rather, was reminded of the purpose of which I am doing what I do. My whole purpose in life is to glorify God and reflect Christ. When I thought of life's purpose, as I've always learned in church, glorifying God and reflecting Christ-likeness are very challenging things to do, and I think most of us have been taught that it is such a sacrifice. While I still concur that it is tough, because it goes against our sinful nature, what I've discovered that the most ironic thing is that the more we serve ourselves, the more we will never be satisfied and free. The more we serve God, the more we will be satisfied and liberated from our sinful and self-indulgent selves.

When I was anxious and burdened by my crisis cases, I was actually already beginning to serve myself in some ways. (Not saying that being worried and burdened is a bad thing, because pain and injustice provoke such emotional responses). But when I became really anxious and burdened, and even upset with having to deal with these cases, I realise that part of the anxiety was due to the fact that I felt that I was in control of all life, and that I was only good enough as a person if I could always be the perfect or wonderful social worker to the people I work with.

God pointed out to me once again that my job was not my God and that all I needed to do to earn my position as God's child is to trust in Christ. My job is an opportunity for God to continue to care for the weak and vulnerable in society. God certainly cares for them more than I do and I can trust that He'll work out everything. It's like God telling me -- reflect Christ and let people experience Me through you. I felt a surge of energy within me once again and I experienced the freedom of serving God without having to be trapped and caught up with proving and worshipping myself/my job. Serving God is ultimately liberating, glorifying God is ultimately true freedom. This is the irony that I realised that day. Society tells us that we have to indulge in ourselves and forget all the "rules" to experience freedom. Sometimes, the typical view of Christianity that I usually hear is that serving God is always only pain and sacrifice, and if you're able to do it, you're very "spiritual" or "Godly". While the walk with God can be painful and difficult (even beyond what one feels that one can bear sometimes), there is also comfort and joy in God's presence, grace enough, and freedom experienced when we worship and serve Him.

Perhaps this realization should not even catch us by surprise, because we're made in His likeness and to reflect His likeness. It is our true nature.When we live to our true nature, we can experience joy, hope, peace and freedom.

As for the crisis work from hereon, I admit that it is still struggle when the rubber hits the road each week as I return to office. But I hope to be reminded, and with God's help, to press on for His glory, and while I may not share the gospel outrightly, the weak, the vulnerable in society, can experience God caring and providing for them as I relate with them.

Painful decision

I've finally made a decision.

I feel sad, loss and pain. I wish I could do more and I could last longer. I'm just thankful our leader is not upset with me or made me feel any more guilty or sad than I already am. That really helps.

It's been hard work, but more joyous than burdensome.

I suppose I'm glad I finally made a decision. Been ambivalent for so long since about a year ago.

But I still feel the pain and the loss.  And I'm definitely concerned about the possible negative impact of this decision. Yet if I don't make this decision, it's not going to be helpful for the people involved as well.

I think God did assure me in some ways, that it is okay to not be able to cope with so much, and that His love is not dependent on what I do. It really doesn't matter what others think or perceive as long as I know why I'm doing what I'm doing and that it is not something dishonouring to God.

I'll blog more about this when it is more open and announced to the people around me. There's just so much I want to say, though now is not the time. Need to let this whole thing sink in and for God to assure me that everything is gonna be alright.

Let the saving love of Christ be the measure of our lives

Love this song. "Let the saving love of Christ be the measure of our lives". Sometimes we get our worth and identity from all other things or people other than Christ. This is what happens with work, with relationships in my life. I pursue them so hard, but forget that while they do matter, my relationship with God, my identity in God and Christ is the fundamental essence of who I am, and I can rest in Him. It's no wonder that Christ said that His yoke is easy and burden is light.

learning what I teach

Today's Bible study was really interesting. During the Bible study that I was conducting, I found myself actually being ministered to when I shared with the youths about the passage. Meaning, I found the lesson that I had prepared for the youths, extremely relevant for me too, and the truths in the passage started to impact me too.

Surely, this experience reminds me that it is the Spirit guiding us into all truth, and that truth is not only for those who hear, but even the one who is teaching.

I think there have been certain experiences in my life that I have been avoiding because they are  painful and uncomfortable. Yet, what I learned today through the passage of Psalm 23 was that sometimes, the paths of righteousness that the Shepherd (God) leads us through may be the valley of the shadow of death. That is to say, that when we pray that God will change us to be more like Him, the process may also be painful. And our response and hope in such situations is that the Shepherd is with us and will protect us. I often find myself running away, rather than depending on God and allowing God to change me to be more like Him through these difficult experiences.

What a reminder and challenge, yet an encouragement too.

He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
⁴ Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me (Psalm 23:3-4)

Press on

It's been a crazy week of attending to cases again. Been emotionally and mentally exhausting, and the week is also flying by so quickly. I hardly have time and space to attend to myself. It's finally the end of the work week.

In the past, I used to think that having the best brain, the biggest faith and the most compassionate heart would be crucial in social service. While these are still important, I've been finding that my ability to regulate my emotions is one of the most crucial aspects of being in the social work field. There's just so much on-going crises, people and emotions to attend to and that impact me on a moment by moment, day by day basis.

An on-going process of making sense of these emotional experiences. All I can say now is to keep calm and carry on. There is power in human interaction, there's hope that God will still work all things for His good purpose, there is grace and mercy enough.

Crises and safety

I'm relieved that it is the end of the week. Had quite a lot of crisis cases to handle the past few days and it's been quite emotionally intense.

During one of the cases that I handled, I managed to contain the person and help the person calm down, but after that I felt the impact of his/her internal/external crisis. It was really scary because the feelings of fear and being overwhelmed just came to me immediately after I finished attending to him/her. Usually, I'm more troubled when the person I attend to doesn't calm down or if I am unable to handle the situation. But this time was different because I managed to handle the crisis but after that I felt like I was breaking down myself. I couldn't really think, and make sense of the feelings that I was experiencing.

Shame is always a big factor in preventing me from seeking help. But a sense of safety and assurance that I am not going to be judged is also another big factor in encouraging me to seek help. In the end, I decided that I should seek help because I thought it was quite pointless and scary to continue ruminating.  And I suppose I felt safe enough with most people in my organization. Furthermore, I was going to see another case that I was suppose to counsel and it would be unethical for me to continue to work with the next person if I felt too overwhelmed.

Thankfully, there was a more senior colleague at work... and he prayed for me. THAT REALLY HELPED. I guess when all is said and done, and I've done all I could, I realise that God is the one ultimately in control of all things and people. I did feel better even though I couldn't really understand what I was experiencing internally, and it gave my mind and heart the space to consider that things would be fine because God is with me.

Talking to the right people helped too. In the process, I learned that I was experiencing some sort of secondary trauma, and that I felt unsafe. Putting labels or words to my experience really helped me to settle down to consider and make sense of my experience. Helped me to realise that what I was experiencing is also normal. And after talking to my boyfriend, I learned that I need to help myself to feel safe internally, whenever people or experiences impact me in a manner that makes me feel unsafe. So this is what I have to continue to work on and process in the future.

Feeling more settled now in this aspect.

I'm grateful that God provided the people and support that I needed, and that mostly, I wasn't judged or put down because of my experience. More and more, I find it important for myself to find safety in God and in God's people whom He brings to support along the way. With a sense of safety, it is easier to consider, reflect and think through issues in a logical and helpful manner.

I'm still reflecting upon Psalm 23 this week, and I find myself quite drawn to God who reveals Himself as my Shepherd. I'm drawn to a God who leads and not pushes for change (often it is us human beings who push one another or ourselves to buck up and change), who is present at all times, whose presence promises comfort in spite of trials, who is one I can experience a very personal relationship with.

Confusion

I can't really understand what I am feeling and why I am feeling what I'm feeling. The critical voice in me would put myself down and make me feel that I have not done good enough, that my heart is not fully in it and that therefore I should quit before I negatively influence others. Or so I think I would.

Yet, there is a part of me that also remembers all that God has led me to do, and how He has provided even when there are times I didn't ask or put in much effort. Maybe I can trust that He will provide along the way.

Should I carry on? or should I move on from here? But if I move on, then what will become of them? I know I'm not indispensible, but still.

What will others think of me? Will I get support for the ministry that I am passionate about? or would I be seen as someone who just decided to take the easy way out and quit. And if I don't get support, can I still believe that if I ever choose to move on, that I can do it with a good conscience knowing that God is still for me?

It's really tiring to be in this state of ambivalence. It's tiring to put up this act like everything is okay. It's sad that I feel this way on a constant basis.

The Good Shepherd

Thankful for a fulfiling day at a training course at work. :) It's been hard work during the 5 days, but somehow it is quite satisfying to learn and link different concepts/theories to guide my work in developing my supervisees. Looking forward to put these into practice and receiving supervision of my supervision too. There's so much to learn! Gotta keep holding on.

Things are getting busier and more intense at work in terms of the number and type of cases too. Stress has really become a normal process at work. I still feel anxious sometimes, whenever work/cases pile up, but there is this part of me that has developed to be resigned to the circumstances because they are not surprising. The needs are always plentiful and the workers are few.

In any case, I'm thankful for supportive people around me, and also to God who promises to be my Good Shepherd no matter what circumstances may be.

It's interesting as I was reading Psalm 23 today that it talks about walking through the valley of shadow of death and God's rod and staff's comfort and protection. What dawned upon me is that the Shepherd (God) in that psalm walks through with valleys with His sheep, that is to say, that God sometimes chooses or leads us into difficult situations but promises to be with us through it all. His presence being our comfort.

Having this understanding challenges who I understand God to be. It's easy to pray for God to alleviate our rough circumstances, and certainly some parts of scripture does describe that. But what if scripture also does present circumstances where God doesn't save us out of those circumstances but chooses to walk with us through them instead?

His promises of His peace, presence and comfort are certain because Jesus the Good Shepherd has already laid down his life for us. 

Growth: new roles and responsibilities

Taking on different new roles and responsibilities can be quite a stressor. In my context, I realise that there are many new areas of roles and responsibilities I am taking up in the workplace. I can now better empathize with people who are going through life stage transitions. It's tough!!

There's always that nagging self within me that doubts whether I am competent enough or not, whether I can meet up to expectations of people around me, of myself as I compare myself with what I perceive is the ideal person who is performing the role well, and as I compare myself with others who are in similar roles. It's easy to slip into beating myself up or to just feel like giving up.

On the other hand, maybe going through this is not such a bad thing. I am even more inclined to depend on God for my sense of security and self worth, and to depend on Him who is still the grand weaver of my life.

I have observed that there is a self justifying nature of the human heart. We tend to rely a lot on our successes and achievements to prop up our self esteem and sense of feeling like we are good enough. And when this happens, we don't turn to the One who truly justifies and is Giver of our worth. There's nothing bad with achieving success, it is the meaning that we make of it and whether that meaning impacts our self worth that makes the difference. And I feel that it is all-too-easy to equate the success we find in fulfiling our roles (whatever roles we predominantly play in our lives) to our level of self worth. So the greater success, the greater self worth we have, and vice versa.

I do want to be competent in my role at work, because all my gifts and talents are graciously given by God to put to good use. It is also important to think through how I can best use my gifts here for the better of society, individuals, and the environment. But I also recognize that it is a process that will be filled with a mixture of potential failures, risks and successes. Perhaps at this point in time, I will experience a greater sense of uncertainty and possibly, failures/setbacks along the way.

In any case, I'm thankful that at the end of each day, and even in moments I feel at a loss and incompetent, I know that my setbacks, failures, weaknesses in fulfiling my roles and responsibilities do not determine or change my self worth.

One of my ex-supervisor's at work once wisely said that our person/being and our skills/knowledge can be seen quite distinctly. If we lack in knowledge/skills, we can spend time to hone our areas of lacking, but our lack of knowledge/skills should not determine how we feel about our worth and confidence as a person/human being.

And I'm thankful that I can rely on who I am as created in God's image and as a child of God because of Jesus to continue to shape how I see myself as a person. If not, then how can I even conceive of what being a person/human being means?

Conversely, knowing who I am helps me to be braver to take risks and accept failures/setbacks in the areas of knowledge and skills, knowing that I am still loved and accepted, and that my life is in His hands no matter what.

Feeling human

It's the end of the work week.

And I'm thankful for wonderful colleagues:
- who make me feel I belong
- who make me feel safe to be who I am
- who make me feel happy and make me laugh
- who show me grace and mercy
- who are patient to hear me express my views and feelings, and validate my experience
- who empower me to reflect on growth areas

:)))))

I'm still amazed that such human beings exist collectively! I feel human.

I think within me lies this desire to be loved, empowered, affirmed for who I am. I've never connected so deeply with such experiences before. I'm not saying that I've never experienced such feelings but there's still a strong desire for such experiences.

Growing up, I've experienced being put down, or encouraged to perform and do well. I've experienced being disconnected from people around me and having to prove my significance.

Of course at work there is the element of performance and appraisal. But this community is different. I believe people actually do care about well-being of another person, not just because it's about increasing productivity, but because we are all human.

I'm deeply thankful for these life-giving experiences I've had these (close to) 3 years. I feel like I am alive, regularly.

Thankful for these experiences that have shaped the way that I work with the people I help. It's a constant reminder that there is power and healing through human-to-human interactions, of which I'm always intrigued about as I work with the people I'm suppose to help, empower and assist.

Thankful for my wonderful boyfriend who has been supportive of me all this while. :)) <3 I think if I have to thank him it will be a whole new blogpost.

and thankful to God for this phase of my life. being someone who likes control and thinks that I have the best plans for myself... well... I've been proven wrong time and again.

treasuring and savouring these happy and joyful moments.

Authentic Relationships

Was just reflecting about the youths that I am leading in my church. These days we've been taking turns to lead devotions, and it has been refreshing to hear from them share about some truths they've gathered through reading Scripture.

In the past, I used to be very hard on myself to deliver a well organized and coherent lesson every time we meet for Bible studies.

However, now, I still put in effort to prepare devotions and Bible studies, but God has been convicting me that it's not so much just about organization and coherence, but about authenticity in our relationships, and our relationship with Him.

Therefore, it is my prayer that the girls and myself will grow to be real with one another, and real with God. And for God to be real to us. And I pray that the girls and myself will not think of God as someone we happened to grow up with, or think we already know God and all there is to know, but develop a reflective spirit to continue to know and love Him, and most importantly, to be convicted that God knows and loves us. The latter will make all the difference in our growth from the inside out.

Reflections on Anxiety

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight Proverbs 3:5-6

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus Phil 4:6-7

Recently, I've been reflecting about my relationship with Anxiety. In other words, the function of anxiety in my life.

I realise that I am easily anxious about the things in my life. Especially things or people that give me a sense of security and identity. Also, I have reflected that it seems like an almost "default mode" I get into by getting anxious. It's as if I subconsciously believe that getting anxious is the best way to go about doing things. After all, I've learnt growing up that being anxious gives me the energy to press on with attaining my goal(s) and what I want in life. I can recall incidences in childhood when being anxious was being modeled to me, and I can also recall all the exams that I was anxious about where I ended up scoring good grades. I recall being anxious about things where it seemed that I got what I wanted by being anxious.

It's as if I need anxiety to survive all the time. It's become my sense of security when I am under stress or distress. It feels uncomfortable to not feel anxious and I feel like I need to worry to give me a (false) sense of control. In other words, anxiety has somewhat ruled over my heart and my life, at least in some aspects that I find security and identity.

Proverbs 3:5-6 and Phil 4:6-7 came to mind when I was reflecting on my relationship with this thing called Anxiety. In the past, I used to read the verses as God wanting me to change to have more faith in Him. Being someone with quite a lot of performance anxiety, thinking about the verses this way, sometimes ironically adds more anxiety. And then I feel even more sinful when I cannot measure up to having enough faith.

Reflecting on these verses again brought to light my relationship with Anxiety and my relationship with God. It's not about how much faith that I have, but who I want to find my security in.

Proverbs 3:5 says to "trust in the Lord with all your heart", "acknowledge Him" which really paints a picture of a relationship of security in the Lord. It's about the heart, it's about our person trusting in His Person. It means to lean on God, rather than on our own thoughts and our own abilities. It doesn't mean to not think through things. 

Phil 4:6-7 also says to not be anxious but present our requests to God and about the peace of God that keeps us in Christ. This peace is a relationship with God through Christ that is secure.

What I gather from these verses is really that I have to decide whether I want to continue to have a relationship with Anxiety and let it rule over my heart and let it give me peace, or whether I want to grow to be convicted my relationship with God through Christ, which is secure and in whom and which I can trust in.

And I pray that the Spirit will walk with me to convict me of the security and peace I can find in God through Jesus Christ, rather than continue to have this relationship with anxiety where anxiety rules over my life and I derive some sort of warped sense of peace by being anxious.

I know it's not something easy that I can walk through because this "default mode of operation" of being anxious has been instilled in me by my significant others and life events in my life as I was growing up. 

But the journey is worth embarking on because I want Jesus and I want God. Trusting God is no longer something that I need to do because it is a Christian thing to do, but because the more I reflect on this God who gives us true identity, worth, meaning, hope and security, the more I desire Him and want to put my faith in Him.

Life is no longer about thinking/doing the right Christian thoughts/things, living out the right christian character and doing the right acts of service in church. I've had enough of that as a so-called second generation Christian. Honestly, no one is a second generation Christian by descent.

Change starts from experiencing the grace and love of God from the inside out. And when there is love, trust and security, we will desire to love and trust Him back. We need to constantly stay with experiencing the grace of God, His beauty, His character and reflect on the gospel in all of our lives, rather than say or keep thinking of how we need to be a better Christian. We need to stop being anxious about producing spiritual fruit, but we need to rather be abiding in the true vine that God is still at work with.

Disappointment

As a young adult now, somehow it feels very different from how it was like as a child or as a teenager. As a child, we were taught who could be trusted, and where safe places are. We believed in all we were taught. As a teenager, it was a world of idealism. We have unrealistic ideas of love, friendships, of life and ambition. But now as a young adult, I've come to realize how unrealistic some of my beliefs about the world and people are.

It fills me with disappointment and sadness, and I have come to a point where I need to realize that people are imperfect. Okay, it does sound silly that I ever once thought that most people were pretty perfect, especially people in admirable places in society. But that was how I believed people to be, and I realize that I was really wrong. It can be slightly destabilizing for me to realize this truth.

It doesn't matter what status and image you have in people's eyes that matter, and we shouldn't expect people to live up to the image or status that they have, because we will be disappointed.

I suppose we can just start to look at the people around us as people, fellow human beings, who are prone to fail and fall. And when they do, we need to take a deep breath and seek to forgive.

It's hard.

I'm angry, upset and frustrated with some of these people, whom I sought to admire, unrealistically. It's so easy to just want to quit and leave. Spare myself the heartache of having to work together and love the other person when it is so difficult to.

But I know that I do not want to leave because if I do, I will never learn to love and engage with people who are difficult (from my perspective) to love and work with. As uncomfortable as it is, I really hope to persevere. Because if I don't, there will always be another painful and uncomfortable position where I will feel like leaving again.

As they famously say,"keep calm and press on"

Really need to learn that. Praying for God's grace to do so.

Intrinsic worth, particular value

I had listened to a conference about what it means to be human. What really struck me as I listened to the sharing was when the speaker talked about the particular value of human beings. This means that while every human being has intrinsic worth because they are human, every human being is also created different; no two people are ever the same. The individuality/personality that we have and develop is also of intrinsic value. This will reflect one of the psalms that speaks of how we are fearfully and wonderfully made, and how God knows us for who we are, inside out.

Knowing this truth really rocked my world; no, literally, it has.

Since listening to the conference, I can't help but to think about it because it resonates with one of the more essential struggles that I face: accepting myself for who I am because God has created me to be unique and there is no one else like me.

But it doesn't just stop there. I realise that I face the struggle to also surrender who I am to God and submit to His will for me and my life. The speaker also shared about how need not covet to be someone else because we are uniquely created by God, but how we also need to submit who we are to God who created us.

So it's kind of like a 2-pronged struggle that I realise that I'm facing: First, would be accepting who I am, and second, to submit myself to God with who I am.

Being an introvert and a rather self-conscious and shy person, I always admire people who are confident, who can rally and influence people. I also admire people who have almost all the traits of  someone whom everyone loves/likes (e.g. maybe it's their knowledge, skills-set, their emotional steadiness, their servitude and kindness). I start to dislike myself when I fall short of likability by people, and I am very hard on myself whenever I fail.

How can I love or even like someone like me?

No, and I am not a loner. I do have friends and people who would hang out with me. But I suspect that no matter how many friends that I have or how many people who would like me, I would still feel anxious and insecure of who I am because the struggle is internal. And it would be easy for anyone close enough to shake my sense of who I am.

What I do though, to make myself feel better about myself is to watch and learn. I observe how to behave in order to be liked more and I just try to fit into that mold - mainly of a good Christian girl (which is of course, culturally influenced and group influenced).

But I've come to realise that this strategy is not anything Christian at all. I doubt that I have intrinsic worth because I'm created in God's image - I have to work for my worth, I doubt that God created me unique, and I doubt that Christ's death on the cross is enough for me to be loved and accepted by Him.

-POINT OF STRUGGLE-

As I reflect on this issue, I realise that I shouldn't run away from the struggle. I may not change overnight, but it is worth considering, reflecting and acting upon.

As I know my strengths and my weaknesses, I need not compare them to others' strengths and weaknesses. It's something that I think I subconsciously do, and I start dividing people into categories of Much better than me, better than me, same as me, worse than me, much worse than me. I don't actually put them into categories consciously, but I think I sometimes treat people differently, based on whether they are worthy of my attention or not.

But now, first, I do want to start see myself as a unique person. People are different from me; uniquely different. I may not be close to everyone in the same way or even like everyone the same, but I can appreciate our similarities and our differences, and appreciate people for how God has created them uniquely. A person may be more skilled than me in certain areas, but it doesn't have to get me down or make me look down on myself. I don't even need to console myself to think that I have other areas better than that particular person. Because I am uniquely created by God and I have worth for who I am.

As I write here, I still struggle to come to this conviction, but I do hope that God will help me through this struggle.

Second, I do want to learn to submit my strengths and weaknesses to God. And I do think that sometimes, the most amazing thing is that God also uses our weaknesses for His glory. I've seen this in at least one aspect of my life.

For instance, I am able to identify and support people who are broken and feeling emotionally down or anxious, because I'm a very emotionally sensitive person. It's what I do everyday with the people that I meet, given that I am in the social service field. If you ask me whether being emotionally sensitive is a strength or weakness, I would naturally say that it is a weakness.

No one likes anyone who projects negative emotions onto others and no one likes emotionally unstable people. At least, I don't. But I have come to realise why I have developed the capacity to hold negative emotion : it is because I have experienced lots of negative emotions at some points in my life, and I can empathize with those who do. And somehow, I know that God has placed me where I am for that purpose. Under His will, I cannot criticize and be judgemental to people like that, because I have been shown love and grace in spite of my weaknesses. I can only show love and grace to these people too.

Of course, sometimes submitting who we are to God will also mean that we allow God to shape us for Himself and His will in our lives. It means that we cannot use our strengths and weaknesses as excuses to not do what is pleasing to Him. We need to prayerfully consider how God is using who we are in His ministry, in people's lives. Because we are created uniquely, we don't need to think of becoming like someone else in vocation and ministry. For example, being a pastor or missionary need not be the only vocation/ministry we need to consider as young Christians. Even in the mission field or whichever field of work or studies, how one Christian lives out his lifestyle and faith would be distinct from another. Distinct, but always reflecting an aspect(s) of who God is.

It's really a paradigm shift for me, even as I reflect on these truths about what it means to be human. I realise that I've not understood it much even though I've been a Christian for several years. Really hope to continue to delight in these precious truths of what I've learnt from the conference, and that they may be internalised with the Lord's help.

It's there, I know it is, because when I look at you, I can feel it. And-and I look at you, and I... and I'm home - Dory from Finding Nemo

I had a wonderful time with my colleagues today. We celebrated birthdays, farewells and welcomes. I'm happy that I feel so at home with this bunch of awesome people. I never thought that I could ever feel this way at work, and with such a diverse group of people.  I've never felt so accepted. I've never felt so encouraged and built up as a person. It's the closest experience I've ever experienced to heaven on earth.

I can just go on and on...

Yes, today I just want to blog about the 2 most awesome best friends I've ever had at work. They are leaving for another centre to do another nature of work. I think I'll always remember my experiences I've had with them. And even though I know I will forget the details, I'll always remember my experience with them and how they've made me feel.

<3 <3
C has been my buddy at work since I started. Even though she has been assigned to be my "buddy" for a month, she's really my buddy every step of the way. She's been so affirming and sensitive to my needs. She's always so caring about my work life and my personal life, and she remembers the details. She is so sensitive that she is there and would ask me how I am at points that I really need someone to talk to.

I also love our chemistry and connection. It's like God knew we were meant to be great friends and colleagues and brought us together. We can talk forever and it hardly gets tiring. We naturally work well as a team and we get excited on common projects. Work becomes a million times less dreary and burdensome because I'm doing it with her.

What I've learnt most from her is to look out for the needs of others, and that people matter as much as our work. I used to think that work is more important than people, but she's inspired me otherwise. Because of her, I now want to know and attend to my colleagues around me more, rather than just to focus on the work I need to do.

I can only thank God for you. 

<3 <3
G has been sitting beside me since the first day. I remember how she would always attend to me and my problems at work even before I ask for help. During the first few months when I talked on the phone with a person I was helping and I didn't know how to respond, she'd whisper to me the information that I needed. I've never experienced situations where people help me before I ask for help.

She became my supervisor for about a year. She was the best supervisor ever. She'd would stand up for me and stand by me whenever I had too many cases to handle and when the going was tough because there were many crises cases to handle. I never had to worry that I wasn't going to cope because I knew I could tell her when I felt I was too overwhelmed with the cases, and I didn't need to feel bad about telling her.

What I learnt most from her is the spirit of advocacy for my colleagues and the people I serve. I used to feel that it was no use putting in so much energy to advocate for others because things would likely remain the same. But I've experienced changes when she advocated for me, and when I advocated for the people I serve. I want to continue to advocate for those who have less "power" and less of a "voice" wherever I am.

I can only thank God for you.


It's a great loss for me that my best friends are going to another centre and we won't be having as much time together. I can only say that I feel that their love toward me has been life-giving to me. I hope I'll continue this kind of love where I am because I've experienced this life-giving love from them.

It's so good, you would just want to pay it forward.

At the end of the day, my heart resonates with what Dory said to Marlin when Marlin was about to leave her in Finding Nemo,
" It's there, I know it is, because when I look at you, I can feel it. And I look at you, and I'm home".

The power of attending and staying with one's pain

Recently I was providing counseling and support to someone who came to our centre. It was one of the more "successful" sessions that I've had because the person felt attended to and wanted to come back for help. I didn't manage to offer any substantial practical solutions for this person's issues, and the truth is that I couldn't, because circumstances were not going to go away so quickly.

Never underestimate the power of attending and validating another person's emotional experience.

It's something that I've learnt during case conference as well. We so often think that if we cannot offer practical help or advice to people, we have failed them, or they may react negatively to us because we have nothing substantial to offer. It's easy to feel anxious and start giving advice or problem solve when problems are presented. Maybe we just want to put things right. But the truth is, many people who need practical help and walk through our doors, are the people who feel broken. When we attend to them as a person (without expectations for them to help us meet our KPIs set for us, without expectations of them having to conform to our own world view), they will start to experience feeling whole: that they matter because their views are being heard, their emotions and struggles are being heard and understood. 

And I suppose when the person feels understood, then it is almost natural for the person to be more open to change facilitated by the counsellor/helper. 

I have nothing against problem-solving, advice-giving and challenging. I think they are needful at appropriate times. But do them prematurely, and one could lose the potential of building the relationship. 

Even though the week has barely started and I'm already feeling pretty tired, but I'm glad for such positive learning experiences that I want to remember so that I can continue to press on. It's not all doom and gloom in our field, and there is hope in how we do what we do, and why we do what we do. 

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” - Maya Angelou

Traveling

travelling to work is a long distance. Few would be as irrational to work so far from home.

But I love the work, the training courses and my colleagues. I've never felt more accepted and encouraged by any other group of people before. An experience I have never fathomed. I've been so encouraged to see my colleagues serve with both their hearts and their minds. Never knew that such awesome people existed. Probably the best time of my life, in terms of work and studies.

Things are getting tougher at work, with more demands and challenging cases. Sometimes I do get tired, sometimes just anxious about the people I serve and all the paper work that needs to be done.

I need to continue to trust in Him who said "Peace I leave with you" because He has sent His Spirit to walk with us, each step of the way. And because He is in control of all things and perfect in wisdom.

Burdens of ministry

Being in the social service field is really not easy. Few people would truly understand and be able to empathize our experiences. Sometimes I do feel lonely, going through these struggles, mostly on my own.

1. The complexities and intensities

Imagine always having to be attending and giving to others 5 full days a week - whether it is to people we serve or colleagues. It's tough. Of course I would consider it a privilege to be able to be in the position of serving others, particularly the vulnerable. However, it also takes a great deal of mental and emotional energy - the "101" different thoughts that come to my mind to assess the case, knowing what to ask, when, at which point in time to ask, knowing which statements to best make, the emotions that I have to hold even though I'm being bombarded by so many different kinds of negative emotions a day, the need to be objective and professional. It's like having to multi-task and having multiple brains. It gets worse when one has to constantly be in the position of having to respond to crises.

At the end of the week, one just feels so exhausted and one would feel the need to be attended to, rather than having to attend to people over the weekend again. It's an occupational hazard, a default mode, to always want to be the one in position of having to attend to people. Do it long enough and one will burn out. One really needs to ensure that one can have time for oneself to rest and recharge, especially if one is an introvert.

What I need to learn is to rest, and to also know that I don't need to be attending to people all the time. Just chill, because the Lord is in charge. I can rest because God is in charge and at work. And I need not feel like a failure because I don't work.


2.  The challenges of taking pride in one's work

As a Christian, I struggle with doing social related work. For one thing, I have the perception (I may be wrong) that the church would much prefer one to do evangelism, than to meet material or emotional needs of people. Whenever I share that I do not share the gospel to the people I serve (because of real/valid reasons), people express a sense of pity and disappointment. Or, whenever I share that I don't have as much of a capacity to be in an evangelistic ministry because of my work, I don't get a positive response. It'd be really encouraging if someone in church could encourage me in my social service ministry when I'm struggling with being involved in both.

I know I should not be so caught up with others think, because ultimately all work is for God's glory (even meeting material and emotional needs) and there shouldn't be a distinction between "sacred" work and "secular" work, but I still feel that doing social related work can be quite a lonely calling at times because one may not get same kind of affirmation of the good work from others. I don't blame people for not understanding, perhaps, maybe I'm expecting too much. It's a far ideal for anyone outside this field to really understand.

And then of course, to many people of the rest of the world, social service related work is volunteer work. I shall not go on with regard to this because I'm tired of having to make the distinction.

In spite of all this, I do take pride in my work, I really do. I'd give a lot of myself for this work because I see the needs, and I see how my training helps to meet the needs. I see how I can meet people at their lowest point and encourage them to press on - experiences that I will never get given my socio-economic status. I see how I can show grace and mercy to those who've made mistakes (and maybe are still making mistakes).  For those who feel broken and ashamed of themselves, for me to let them know that they are still valuable in spite of their weaknesses and failings in the way I treat them/see them. I see how I can advocate for people for their basic needs, that their lives may be a little more stable. I see how I can use my training to assess cases better, so that I can help them better, that there might be more order and less chaos in their lives. I see how I can use my counseling skills to help people gain insight to their issues, that they may be enlightened to cope better with life. I see our centre as a "shelter" for those in need, where broken people can meet and experience with broken people made whole by Jesus, who use their hearts and  minds to serve Him.


----

Just sharing some of my experiences of social service ministry so far. Maybe I'm still in the process of making sense of these experiences and there are some things I'm still struggling with. My intention is not to blame or put down anyone or any group.

Epiphany- Staying with uncomfortable and painful experiences (because God first did)

Recently we just ended our marriage preparation. Even though the content of the marriage preparation was pretty "standard", but the process of learning and reflection with older couples was fruitful. One thing that I got out of the marriage preparation process was that my feeling of having to "die to self" was part of marriage, and the discomfort of entering a marriage (and all its implications) was normal. This realisation that it is normal to feel uncomfortable and the need to stay with it is very powerful, and as we read Tim Keller's "Meaning of Marriage" recently, I've come to find out why.

Tim Keller states that ironically, the reason why we "give up" on or fear marriage, is because we have placed overly high expectations of what we can gain out of marriage in the first place. I have come to expect that marriage will fulfil my own needs and when it doesn't, I feel that the best way is to back out. Many times, I feel like that - you know, it's easier to back out and it will end all our suffering or inconvenience. Many times, I wonder why I would bother trying to integrate into my boyfriend's family/friends' culture when it is so difficult to. I also wonder why I would bother to even continue arguing with him when it brings so much pain and inconvenience. And of course, the reverse is also true - why would he bother?

I shy away from any form of inconvenience or pain.

And I realise why I shy away from inconvenience or pain. Growing up as a child, I've learned that there can be no fulfilment whenever there is inconvenience or pain. It's somewhat of a reality that I've experienced and internalised. I've been seeing and responding in my life through this lens and this internalized subconscious belief. I realise that I have been adopting such a narrow view of life, without really being aware of it. It's no wonder I would react so negatively when bad things happen and when things don't go my way. I fear that I would not have any fulfilment whenever there is inconvenience or pain. Of course a little inconvenience and a little pain is okay, but whenever I have to experience anything more than a little inconvenience or pain, I will feel that life is not good and can only be thought of as unsatisfying.

But honestly, when we take a look at life, actually, often, great pain comes with great joy. For example, learning any skill is difficult - time and energy invested, setbacks will come, but there is the great joy that comes from having mastered or coming closer to mastery of the skill. And from that mastery comes something beautiful and admirable. For myself in the social work field, I can say with certainty that the clients whom I'm the closest with and the ones who have changed me as a person the most, are the ones whom I have walked with through their most painful and crises moments. At the end of the day, I not only weep with they who weep, but I can also rejoice with them when they rejoice.

And so it is with God. While we may never understand why He would allow suffering in the world (and taking God out of the equation doesn't solve the issue of why there is suffering), but it is through Christ's suffering that brought the possibility of the joy of having a relationship with God, and enjoying our relationship  with Him forever.

Through the process of marriage prep and through reading Tim Keller's book, I've come to realise and be enlightened about the great lie that I've been carrying with me. I've believed that fulfilment and sacrifice do not come together and so I have been trying so hard to pursue fulfilment by running away from or grumbling about sacrifice, without realising that fulfilment also comes with sacrifice and that pursuing fulfilment in this manner will only leave me even more unfulfilled because there is no such fulfilment. Fulfilment and sacrifice can come together and are not mutually exclusive.

And with this renewed mind (and hopefully, heart), I do hope that it will give me greater hope in marriage and the challenges of marriage, and of course, other life's challenges. Life in a fallen world is uncomfortable and painful, but by the grace of God, we can experience joy in trials and transitions. And even when we don't or can't experience joy at times, we can be assured that we have a God who stays with us in our pain, understands our pain and never leaves us in our pain.

Living in a broken world - the battles, the white witch and Aslan

I was exclaiming to one of my closest colleagues, "I am too young for the world!!"

So drama right.

This was said in context of having experienced a lot of brokenness in the lives of the people whom I work with. However, sometimes I do feel this way.

I've encountered cases where lives are obviously broken and there have been lots of injustice. For example, people would rather hurt one another and get angry with one another, at the great expense of their own child. Their child sometimes become a bargaining chip or a means to get back at one another. Yet, I'm not a parent and who am I to judge? But this sense of injustice when a vulnerable party is hurt at the expense of those who suppose to protect him/her makes me angry and upset. But I have to hold my anger and frustration and make sense of these feelings, lest I react without objectivity to the "perpetrators" and perpetuate the pattern of conflict amongst them that will only hurt the vulnerable party even more.

It's been really tough. What does God have to say of brokenness and injustice, and for me, while I'm suppose to work in such a setting?

I suppose firstly, we must accept the fact that we live in a broken world that is plagued with the effects of sin. The effects and impact of sin can be observed more apparently in the lives of the people that I work with. Being human, it's always easier to want to tend towards comfort and convenience and I struggle with the reality that I have to constantly be in the midst of discomfort in the lives of the people. But the truth is, life is not comfortable and will not be convenient all the time, when we live in a fallen world. Work is not always fruitful and sometimes we take 2 steps foward, only to take multiple steps back.

Secondly, and most practically, we need to negotiate justice and mercy. I suppose this is the hardest part to work through. On one hand, we need to know what are the moral boundaries and seek to place and reinforce them. On the other, we need to show mercy to those who have crossed those moral boundaries. We need to be level-headed enough to know that in such moments, it is not about being likable and nice to our people, but doing what is right, firstly, for the best interest of the vulnerable parties, and yet having and showing compassion when we see the brokenness and the need.

Thirdly, we need to trust that God is still in control when there is brokenness and injustice, and He is still holding all things together. We need to come to the realisation that we are not the Saviour of the brokenness in this world and we are not in control of negative events that happen. Only Christ is the Saviour and God is King/Judge. Our role is to be transformed into His image, to reflect and live out His character in our work with broken lives. That somehow these broken lives may be more restored and in order, that one day these lives may know the true Saviour and Lord.

Fourth, we need to be resting on Christ's work and performance for us. I need to continue to believe that I am His child, valued and accepted, regardless of my work performance. It's always easy for me to make an idol of my performance in my work, as if Christ's work on the cross for me is not enough. Doing my work in society well sometimes make me feel like I am more valued and of higher worth. And conversely, doing it badly makes me feel lousy about myself as a person. So each moment and each day has to be a reminder and conviction of who I already am in Him because of Jesus' work on the cross. 

May Micah 6:8 be a resonating theme in our hearts and in our lives,

"He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

Birthday celebrations 2013

As I grow older, I find that I'm less enthusiastic to celebrate my birthday. Nevertheless, this year's birthday's celebrations have been fruitful and fulfilling. They've really meant a lot to me, because the people in my life really make the difference.

I'm thankful for my youths who did a really sweet celebration with me. As a youth leader, I am thankful that my friendship with them has been significant enough, as imperfect as I am. All of my youths are so special in their own way and it's been an amazing privilege to know them and grow in faith with them. I've never really thought that I've given more than I've received. In fact, perhaps, on the contrary.

I'm thankful for friendships with my colleagues that I can be so enthusiastic to go to work on my birthday, even though I could've taken leave on that day. Honestly, their friendships matter to me so much that I would be as happy if they didn't do anything or given me anything at all for my birthday. Their presence in my life have made the best days of my life. I've never felt such great acceptance and safety from any group of people before, never felt so captivated and drawn to such lovely relationships before. I'm still in awe that such quality of friendships in a relatively big group and in an organization actually can exist. I feel that I can be quite vulnerable and real with them, and not be shamed, rejected, or judged, and still be accepted in spite of my grumblings, complaints and weaknesses. They are like.. THE BEST people on planet earth (as of now). They are people who are more concerned about me than my failings.

I'm thankful for the dinner date with my boyfriend. Even though he's been extremely tired from work, he'll still spend time with me on my birthday. He's the one who has been with me through good times and bad times, and I thank God for his patience, love, faithfulness and grace. Through this relationship, he's taught me that there is such a thing as unconditional grace and acceptance. I hope to appreciate his presence in my life more and to love him more also. 

I'm thankful for the youth leaders who did a birthday video for me. They're the most awesome youth leaders I've ever met - grounded yet passionate at the same time with the gospel. They inspire me to continue to live with and breathe the gospel each and every waking moment.

I'm thankful for my family too. For my mum who is ever thoughtful in the gifts that she buys for me, and for my dad whom I can engage with on current affairs. :) For my brother who got me a gift even though it is not like him to buy gifts. Thankful for dinner date that we had to catch up as well.

I really do have a lot of good relationships to be thankful for.

Thankful to God for how He has seen me through life and in whom I hope will be my safety and security more and more. In Attachment Theory language, I hope that my triune God can continue to be my "secure base".  In gospel language, I hope that Jesus will truly be my Bread of Life, who truly satisfies and whom I can really taste and see that God is good all the time (yes, even in the darkest and most painful moments).

when I am weak, then I am strong

I've never really understood why Apostle Paul would want to boast of his weaknesses. Isn't it such an uncomfortable feeling to be reminded of our needs and our weaknesses? Isn't it very disempowering? We should highlight people's strengths, strengths-based psychologists' say.

Or perhaps, Paul was trying to be an "underdog". You know, like how people support the underdogs in a competition. It sometimes feels good to support the weaker person and give him/her sympathy votes. Or maybe supporters just want to be different by voting for someone more "unique", a way of getting some sort of power/influence if you are not that powerful.

Today was indeed quite a new experience for me, perhaps, even humbling and challenging.

I invited a friend for church easter service.

I woke up this morning wondering what kind of programmes that I should ask my friend to go for in church. Perhaps a programme for her to go for that could get all her questions about Christianity answered, or maybe to join my Bible study group (which I don't even go for these days). God  impressed upon me, as I was in a half-awake state, "You know what? Don't invite your friend for  programmes, you go and share with her your faith".

Ahh.. the most humbling and challenging words.

Challenging, because I wonder if someone like me could be equipped enough to answer all her questions and respond in the best possible manner. I am not an apologist, I'm not eloquent, I'm not good enough! I don't have all the knowledge in the world, I don't have all the experience and wisdom in the world. I am flawed, I have personal issues and challenges, sometimes in my own faith as well. Like, wouldn't it be better if I just refer her to my pastor, or group leader? Anyone but me.

Humbling, because God still calls someone as flawed as me to go and share His good news to the world. This is divine news we're talking about. I can't believe I am qualified to share this news.

And so I went to church with my friend, remembering Christ's final words to His disciples, to go and make disciples. Not to go and invite them for programmes. I realise that she doesn't have to come to church, and I don't have to ask her to come for our programmes. Church services and programmes are secondary. What's essential is for me to go to her and share my life with her, regardless of her response.

I also was reminded about how when Christ was on earth, His ministry was really about people - meeting their basic needs, their felt needs and their real needs. He wasn't on earth conducting entertaining rallies of Himself. He was with the people in the day-to-day, moment by moment.

And if I think I'm not good enough, that's okay, really, in fact, even better that I think this way of myself. Because it's not about how good I am, but how good Jesus is. And I just want to proclaim His goodness to me - My weaknesses and insecurities are all paid for on the cross that He died.  I can be fully accepted by God and have a relationship with God on an unconditional basis. That's how great my God is, and how great Jesus' sacrifice on the cross is for me.

No wonder Apostle Paul boasts of his weaknesses. Because what is amazing about God is that He is grace is sufficient to cover all our weaknesses. He is that great, that we need not be great by ourselves, and we can be strong because He lives in us.

⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:8-10

Happy Easter! :) Christ is risen and He lives. :)

First chapter in social service: Where the rubber meets the road

It's been a good few years of being at my workplace. I feel that I have gained much, in terms of skills, experience, and most of all, also a step towards change in heart and attitude. I've never learnt so much about myself and some of the realities of the world.

These are a few reflection points of my first chapter in social service that I would want to continue to carry with me to the next chapter of my work:

1. The crucial need to attend to myself before, during and after engagement with people 
It is a misconception that attending to oneself means that one is being selfish. Some might even think that there is no need to do so. Attending to oneself doesn't just mean having a simplistic understanding of "self care" where one takes time off to rest and do leisure activities.

For me, attending to oneself means that one has to be aware of how the people we meet/help/counsel are affecting us (our thoughts, emotions, values, spirit) and how we are responding (in our thoughts, emotions, and spirit) covertly and overtly within ourselves and towards them. The thoughts and emotions in us that are being evoked when engaging people are often very good hints/indicators to our inner self and experience and the other person's inner self and experience. We need to learn to "stay with" these uncomfortable experiences and process them.

If we miss attending to ourselves and to our experience with people, we may respond in ways that are not helpful for ourselves and for others. Say for example, a particular person constantly makes us feel anxious and frustrated, and we feel like running away from this person, or even wish this person doesn't turn up for our appointments. If we do not attend to our emotions of anxiety and frustration and understand what makes us feel these emotions, then we ourselves, as helpers/counsellors are also stuck in our own emotions, and we may respond in a way that is unhelpful for our people because we are responding to them based on our own unprocessed emotions/thoughts/values.

2. Developing a conviction of seeing people as people, not problems
Sometimes the people that we meet have been carrying so many burdens, have many issues that they are facing with and by the time they come to us, we experience them as if they have become the sum of their problems. They portray themselves to be like that too.

We cannot see them as problems, because they are people, with the same value and dignity as fellow human beings, and if I may add, fellow human beings created in God's image.

I have found that if I treat them as fellow human beings, I end up being able to engage them as people, rather than being caught up with having to solve their problems. I end up empowering them, rather than doing everything for them. It is humbling to note that if I constantly see them as problems, then I may be indirectly/subtly be perpetuating how they see themselves as a sum of their problems as well.

Sure, they may really have many issues to deal with, and we may have to hand-hold some of them at times as they work on their issues,  depending on their needs and capacity, but we must still see them as people with value and treat them with the dignity as we would also treat anyone else with less problems than them.


3. The essential need for teamwork and to be a good team player
I (more-than) survived these few years in social service because I have loyal, genuine and very helpful fellow comrades in this with me. Without them, I wouldn't even have my first 2 reflections.

I had and have very good seniors, who are experienced practitioners in the field who have been patiently and with great insight, leading, guiding and developing me each step of the way. I've learnt many important skills and ways of working with a variety of cases.

I have very good friends/colleagues who will stand alongside me to help and encourage me in good times and bad. The things that they do for me may not be earth-shaking, but their sensitivity to my needs, and the seemingly little things that they do, give me strength and refreshment for the journey.

Having experienced such grace from my friends and great insight from my seniors really inspires me to do the same for other colleagues, and for younger colleagues.

4. Dependence on a God who cares and who dwells with us
Since I started working, at the start of each day, I find that I need to pray and find refreshment in His Word. Just thinking of the many needs that I will be experiencing and the challenges at work make me feel overwhelmed. Thinking about how I may not be able to handle many areas of work, and also in my life, make me feel weak and discouraged sometimes.

When I turn to pray, it doesn't mean that I instantly feel a great sense of peace and assurance from Him. Many times I don't, at times I do. But the act of prayer, constantly reminds me of my own need(s) that can only be satisfied in Him. It also constantly reminds me that He is the one who is in control of the lives of the people I meet, meaning, He cares for them and watches over them in His sovereignty, and He is the only one who can satisfy their deepest needs.

I sometimes feel that I am too weak for this work, or for the challenges that life brings. Usually, I would dwell in my own weaknesses and think of quitting because I am not good enough. But I've recently come to a realization that maybe, the sense of being weak and in need is a good thing. It is when I feel weak that I am dependent on Him who is strong. It is when I am feeling in need that I am able to empathize with the people I meet that are in great need.

I'm not saying that God is my emotional "crutch", but I believe that the truth is (as much as we might not want to hear/know), that God is the only one in control of all things. If we examine our lives, we do not have control of many things, even though we really try our best to have control. And, only in Him can our hearts find rest because we are created to be in relationship with Him, to be His own and for His glory. Without Him, our hearts will continue to be restless and we will continue to find satisfaction and meaning in other things/people who will never truly satisfy.

The need for and sense of assurance each day that in Him all things hold together, that I am His child no matter what happens because Christ has died for my guilt and shame, and that He gives His Spirit to me to lead me to live for Him, gives me freedom to truly serve others out of a secure identity I have in Him, and not out of self-doubt, lack of self worth and lack of self identity. Also, this need for assurance in Him helps me to identify with those in need.

------

I am far from arriving, and I reckon that I have lots more to learn, reflect on and to grow. But I hope that these liberating lessons will continue to be more true to me each day in my journey.

It matters where you come from and where you are at

I was watching the movie "Step Up 2", and it has this tag line that says, "It's not where you're from, it's where you're at". Actually, this statement is not really true because it discounts the experiences that have shaped us in our earlier years. We can't tell ourselves that whatever has influenced us as children or teenagers has no bearing on how we see life now, although we shouldn't be fatalistic about it.

I've gone through some painful and traumatic experiences myself in the past, and even till today, certain scenarios really evoke quite negative feelings in me, making me feel quite stressed and vulnerable. Not many people know about how I feel, because sometimes, maybe, I don't feel that some people really understand and I do not feel safe sharing with them. Other times, I feel that it is pointless to share because it doesn't take away the pain that I feel.

But I don't want to discount these experiences. Furthermore, it's probably impossible to do so, subconsciously.

I want to continue to work through these experiences. They are quite negative, but I think that God is able to use what is broken to build. God is a God who works even through suffering, just like He did His ultimate redemptive work for us through Jesus' death on the cross. I used to think that now that I am a Christian/God's child, I can pull myself up since I am a "new creation/person" and just move on to claim His promises, but I don't think it works that way so simplistically, rigidly and in a legalistic manner.

Yes, as a "new creation", we have the Spirit who will continue to empower us to live a new life for God. But we also have a Spirit who helps us in our weaknesses, and a throne of grace we can approach in our time of need. We have a Spirit who walks alongside us every step of the way, through the process of enabling us to be more like Christ, even within our broken selves in a broken world. We have a Spirit who will continue to lead and guide us while we are in the" now and the not yet", before the fulfillment of a perfected world when Christ comes again.

Where sin abounds, grace abounds even more. I am forgiven and fully accepted by God in Jesus Christ - for how my past has shaped me, for who I am now and for who I will be. And I am forever loved as His child no matter what happens.

Freedom comes to truly live when we start to no longer work to prove our worth and we no longer work to compensate for our weaknesses and insecurities. We can now be able to experience our (difficult) situations and acknowledge who we are and work through them without wanting to discount their impact in our lives or overcompensate for our lack.

I need to continue to abide in Christ for grace, wisdom and safety as I work through these experiences that are difficult. I need not be anxious to see fruit, or for things to get better, or for solutions to happen, because there will be, when I abide in Him to help me through the processing of these experiences.

God is our true attachment figure; a shelter and refuge in times of trouble. May I always remember and become more convicted of who I am in Him.

This is how the gospel/good news of Jesus is relevant and powerful in my life.

Hope in a fallen world

Miracles do happen.

It's been an amazing journey in social service practice when I begin to see my clients apart from their problems. They are able to catch and sense that, and find hope.

Seeing one of my clients make the significant shift and find hope makes all the hard work worthwhile. It makes my faith and all I believe in about human worth and dignity that God ascribes to us make sense in this change work that I am doing.

Thank God for who He is and that we are made in His image. People find hope, when they begin to know their value and when we as social service practitioners communicate, process and reflect their worth and value to them.

I'm so touched I am almost in tears. Haha. Thank God, thank God. :)

Date of the Year #1

Today I had the amazing opportunity to go on a date with a dear friend and sister. She's one of my youths that I am blessed to be able to walk alongside with for the past few years.

Speaking to her today, I've realised how she's grown. I was able to share a lot more about my own thoughts and feelings with her, which I felt she would be able to understand and identify with, a lot more than before. It was encouraging to hear from her regarding her motivations for serving in church, and how she deals with some life issues. It was also encouraging for both of us to look back at some faith goals she's set for 2012, and realise that she's met many of them!

Looking back, I would not have envisioned this day, really, when we can openly share about our lives and how God is part of our lives. I really hope that our friendship will continue to grow deeper and we can continue to spur one another on. I just stand in amazement of how God's grace continues to be abundant in our lives - when relationships like this one continues to grow, even though we are from different generations, and have different set of challenges that we face in life. It's not that we are good, because we didn't even plan and envision this to happen, but it's God who is good and how God makes things and people grow.

A day like this only continues to remind me to abide in Christ and trust Him for growth that only He can bring in our lives. May we grow closer to Him and closer to one another. :) <3

Hunger, thirst and tears

"16 They shall hunger no more, neither thirst anymore; the sun shall not strike them, nor any scorching heat.
17 For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd, and he will guide them to springs of living water, and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes." Rev 7

Hunger, thirst and tears are what I encounter on a day to day basis. People I meet come in broken and lost. They ask questions such as "who am I? what am I living for?" Many times, it is in difficult and challenging situations, when we've felt that we've lost what we've put our hopes and dreams in that the answers to these existential questions become even more crucial and significant. I suppose, this goes against Abraham's Maslow's hierarchy of needs; we want to know who we are and what we are living for even if our basic needs are not adequately met.

As I experience my encounters with the people I meet and reading this passage today, I realise how blessed I am to have the hope that one day, God, my Heavenly Father Himself will wipe away every tear. Repeat: God wipes away every tear. I am amazed at how personal and intimate our great and Almighty God is that He would personally wipe away our tears. Scripture doesn't say that our tears will miraculously go away but that God will wipe them away.

I am moved to pray even more for the people I meet, that they will also have the same certain hope and that they will one day belong to Him. I don't know if I will and can be the one who will directly share my hope with them, but I pray it to be so. It will take a miracle, but with God all things are possible.

I hope that as I am comforted by the God who comforts, I will also bring peace and comfort for people, and point them to the true Comforter and person who can provide true peace.