A bus ride

Today I had an experience that I haven't had for a long time. I had to take a bus to work because of a change in some work commitments. It was the best bus ride. The bus wasn't crowded or smelly, the long route wasn't familiar and I was alone -  Recipe for a therapeutic journey.

Looking out of the window, listening to Taylor Swift songs and not worrying about the day's responsibilities ahead was a good feeling. I just let my thoughts come and go.

My thoughts revolved around people:

I prayed for the sister who was going through a difficult time.

I thought about my parents and what I appreciated most about them, which was giving me the freedom that I needed to make decisions for my life. I realise that the freedom that they gave me was so liberating, because it allowed me to decide what I really wanted to do with my life, rather than what is socially desirable. The freedom they give to me is something I would want to learn from them whenever I am in the position of some sort of authority to speak into others' lives.

I thought about the friends I had in my life and was really thankful for the times they make me smile and laugh. I can't ask for better friends and brothers and sisters in Christ.

I listened to Taylor Swift songs and thought once again that she's such a brilliant song writer and that the world is a little better because of her. Girls would love her because her songs express how girls in general feel with regards to love and relationships.

I listened to my first favourite Christian song, "who am I" and I prayed for my youth girls that they would continually be convicted of who they are in God and would treasure the privilege and live out their conviction.

Thankful for such a great morning. Wish for more mornings like this.

Maybe I should really take a different route to work in future.

Feeling pain

As I was listening to a sharing about a sister-in-Christ who is struggling, needed prayer and was searching for answers to her questions because she's going through a really painful period in her life, I couldn't help but to feel sadness welling up in my heart. I felt so sad I wanted to cry for her.

These feelings are not foreign to me. Working in the social service, I experience these feelings at times when I hear my clients share about their painful experiences. Whenever I am in a counseling position, I sometimes feel like a duck. I may look calm and cool on the outside, but underneath I am working really hard to paddle to keep afloat, sometimes struggling with my own feelings and/or wondering what to say or ask next.  Life can be so tough and it's usually the losses and the injustices that makes me angry and hurt for them. I've experienced these feelings to some extent in my own life too, and it's perhaps because I've experienced pain, discomfort and hurt before that I can better appreciate what others are going through.

I was reading the section on "Your disappointments matter" in The Grand Weaver by Ravi Zacharias which says:
Calvin Miller describes the way God answers such pleas for help in tough times: The sermon and the Spirit always work in combination to produce liberation. Sometimes the Spirit and sermon do supply direct answers to human need, but most often they answer indirectly. Most problems are not solved by listening to sermons. The sermon, no matter how sincere, cannot solve these unsolvable problems. So if the sermon is not a problem solver, where shall we go for solutions? Together with the Spirit, the sermon exists to point out that having answers is not essential to living. What is essential is the sense of God’s presence during dark seasons of questioning.. . . Our need for specific answers is dissolved in the greater issue of the lordship of Christ over all questions —those that have answers and those that don’t.

I hope that I will have heart that rests in the Lordship of Christ. It's what matters at the end of the day. In the end, He's the only hope there is. And I've realise as a believer, this is possible because we're being promised the Holy Spirit in our lives until He comes again. We're not on our own, no matter how lonely we may feel. So we have the grace, the strength and the courage to press on in our lives. There is great hope for those who are hurting, especially those who belong to Him.

And let Christ reign in my heart when I'm serving others who've yet to know Him.

Changes and uncertainty

I don't like changes and uncertainty. Unfortunately my life has been like that pretty much these few months. My personality is such that I need some stability, at least for a period of time. It's been really challenging for me to deal with all the changes that I have little control over.

But I have to be prepared, if life will be as such.

news

I got a piece of shocking news today at work.

It's both bad and good news, I'm not sure how to make of it. I just feel ambivalent. I definitely feel a sense of loss. 

Discipline

Keyboard lesson today was great. My teacher is really inspiring. When he starts playing, I feel so happy and relaxed. It's really quite therapeutic and maybe there really is a place for music therapy. For now, it remains only a dream for me to be really good in music and keyboard because it's so tough and it takes hard work and discipline. I always look at good musicians and think they are who they are simply because they're born with talent. But my teacher just told me that behind the performance, lots of hard work and perseverance are involved. He's probably right. No figure skater can look so graceful on the ice if not for the many falls and long hours of training involved (I'm using this example because I love to see figure skaters). No cook can create such great dishes if not for the hours and years of experimenting and learning how to make something taste good.

I am remind of this verse:

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. 

The verse has a totally different context and meaning. But the similarity is about how we are being shaped through difficulties. The truth is that God teaches us, through trials and difficulties in order to change us to be more like Him.

Life is really like that sometimes.

It does bring some comfort to know that all the trials are not for nothing, and that they are not the end, even though we may not feel that way at times. :)

Can Man live without God?

Now unto Him who is able to keep
Able to keep you from falling
And present you faultless before the presence of His glory 
with exceeding joy
To the only wise God our Saviour
Be glory and majesty
Dominion and power, both now and forever
Amen. 


What an encouraging benediction, especially the first 4 lines of the stanza.
Indeed, it is Him who keeps us.


Many times when I look at myself, I see so many problems, faults, inadequacies. I feel that I can't even handle myself. If it's not for God, I think things would've been very different. If not for God's intervention at critical moments in my life, to provide the resources that I need, things would've really been different. God is a God who is so gracious. The fact that I can even say the latter does show His work of grace too.


I hope that I'll never forget who God is to me and I hope that every thing that happens will just lead me to trust more in His character, even when I don't have the reasons for why things happen. Because His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts higher than my thoughts.


Yesterday I was complaining about my tiredness. Today's sermon taught me that true rest is finding our satisfaction in God alone. The preacher quoted St Augustine,


"Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in thee." 

How apt these words are, even till today and in my life at this moment.

Tired.

Work's been really tiring and I've been really busy with other commitments (church ministry commitments) too. I haven't had much time to blog or think much these few days. I've been feeling like I'm having a bit too many responsibilities but too little energy and time to handle them properly. I don't feel overwhelmed yet, but it's just the feeling that I might be taking up too many responsibilities.

Take keyboard lessons for example. I've been trying to keep up with them but very often I'm so tired after work that I have no mental energy to really enjoy learning and exploring the stuff that my teacher teaches. I really wish I have more time and energy to learn.

Maybe a contributing factor to this sense of stress and tiredness is also because of the transitions at work and some of the new commitments I'm having at church. I'm still trying to process what I'm going through. Maybe I just need to allow myself to adapt to these changes.

I hope I'll be able to rest during the weekends. And I hope that even as I exercise discipline in my work, I hope I'll remember to have discipline to rest too.