Epiphany- Staying with uncomfortable and painful experiences (because God first did)

Recently we just ended our marriage preparation. Even though the content of the marriage preparation was pretty "standard", but the process of learning and reflection with older couples was fruitful. One thing that I got out of the marriage preparation process was that my feeling of having to "die to self" was part of marriage, and the discomfort of entering a marriage (and all its implications) was normal. This realisation that it is normal to feel uncomfortable and the need to stay with it is very powerful, and as we read Tim Keller's "Meaning of Marriage" recently, I've come to find out why.

Tim Keller states that ironically, the reason why we "give up" on or fear marriage, is because we have placed overly high expectations of what we can gain out of marriage in the first place. I have come to expect that marriage will fulfil my own needs and when it doesn't, I feel that the best way is to back out. Many times, I feel like that - you know, it's easier to back out and it will end all our suffering or inconvenience. Many times, I wonder why I would bother trying to integrate into my boyfriend's family/friends' culture when it is so difficult to. I also wonder why I would bother to even continue arguing with him when it brings so much pain and inconvenience. And of course, the reverse is also true - why would he bother?

I shy away from any form of inconvenience or pain.

And I realise why I shy away from inconvenience or pain. Growing up as a child, I've learned that there can be no fulfilment whenever there is inconvenience or pain. It's somewhat of a reality that I've experienced and internalised. I've been seeing and responding in my life through this lens and this internalized subconscious belief. I realise that I have been adopting such a narrow view of life, without really being aware of it. It's no wonder I would react so negatively when bad things happen and when things don't go my way. I fear that I would not have any fulfilment whenever there is inconvenience or pain. Of course a little inconvenience and a little pain is okay, but whenever I have to experience anything more than a little inconvenience or pain, I will feel that life is not good and can only be thought of as unsatisfying.

But honestly, when we take a look at life, actually, often, great pain comes with great joy. For example, learning any skill is difficult - time and energy invested, setbacks will come, but there is the great joy that comes from having mastered or coming closer to mastery of the skill. And from that mastery comes something beautiful and admirable. For myself in the social work field, I can say with certainty that the clients whom I'm the closest with and the ones who have changed me as a person the most, are the ones whom I have walked with through their most painful and crises moments. At the end of the day, I not only weep with they who weep, but I can also rejoice with them when they rejoice.

And so it is with God. While we may never understand why He would allow suffering in the world (and taking God out of the equation doesn't solve the issue of why there is suffering), but it is through Christ's suffering that brought the possibility of the joy of having a relationship with God, and enjoying our relationship  with Him forever.

Through the process of marriage prep and through reading Tim Keller's book, I've come to realise and be enlightened about the great lie that I've been carrying with me. I've believed that fulfilment and sacrifice do not come together and so I have been trying so hard to pursue fulfilment by running away from or grumbling about sacrifice, without realising that fulfilment also comes with sacrifice and that pursuing fulfilment in this manner will only leave me even more unfulfilled because there is no such fulfilment. Fulfilment and sacrifice can come together and are not mutually exclusive.

And with this renewed mind (and hopefully, heart), I do hope that it will give me greater hope in marriage and the challenges of marriage, and of course, other life's challenges. Life in a fallen world is uncomfortable and painful, but by the grace of God, we can experience joy in trials and transitions. And even when we don't or can't experience joy at times, we can be assured that we have a God who stays with us in our pain, understands our pain and never leaves us in our pain.