Direction

Having direction

It's been quite amazing.

I remember that I have been in the crossroads of my work and in ambivalence for some time. 

But I finally have a direction for what I want to do in the next 5 years. 

This decision brings some relief, 

but more importantly, it brings excitement and anticipation as well, mainly because I have a sense of purpose. 

And this sense of purpose gives me the energy to want to persevere even though the going might get tougher. 

I don't have to do this, but I want to do this. 

I do see that to some extent I have some aptitude, but yet, I see that there is much more I'm lacking and there's so much more I can grow in. 

I do see that making this decision and even coming to have made this decision is in itself quite a miracle, given some past hurts and experiences I've been through. 

Making this decision seems to me, like giving myself the opportunity to take the risk again, to re-examine things again, to heal and to grow. 

Uncertainties and people's opinions

This decision is also subject to external factors. I do not know whether the people in power would approve of or support my decision. I can only say that I will leave it to God because this is something I have no control over. 

To be honest, in making this decision, me, being the type who is pretty sensitive to how certain people may see me, feels vulnerable. There are people who may not fully get where I am heading towards or see the potential in my pursuit. People who have some influence in my life at the moment. Sometimes I feel quite sad and angry at these people, but I suppose sometimes they have their own agenda and beliefs as well, which I have no rights over either. But at the end of the day, I know why I want to do this and that's all that matters. 

I know that the people who care and know about me support this decision. Though I may never know whether this is so called "God's will", I know this decision is one that may please Him. Because finally I'm no longer running away but I also want to learn to grow and make sense of my experiences in the light of Him. 

So now as hard as it is, I'll have to patiently wait as God leads. And to also know that whatever that is good as I see it, cannot surpass the ultimate Good. 

Ambivalence

The feeling that your mind is separated from your emotional experiences is a very unsettling process.
Trying to battle this separation and to be comfortable with the incredible discomfort.
It's kind of like trying to find your footing and firm ground to stand when things feel unstable.
It's like sometimes you wonder why truth and experience can seem so different from how you'd expect them to be.
Your experience takes you to question why people who are suppose to be truth bearers don't seem to be relevant in the pain.
How can truth be relevant in the pain and suffering?
Can truth be truly life giving and life changing?

Maybe people are not whom we should find the truth in ultimately.
At best they can only be imperfect bearers of the truth.
Is there one who truly is the way, the truth and the life?
Maybe it is time to seek the truth that is life giving and life changing.
we can explore where this path leads.

May there be breakthroughs and opportunities during this ambivalence.

Walls

Been still struggling to process the pain and hurts.
It's so much easier to dismiss them or react to them as the emotions come.
They will haunt and come back.
It's been a painful and lonely journey that I shouldn't expect others to understand.
Or maybe it is too scary to risk the possibility of anyone doing so.

It has been quite a journey processing the pain and hurts.
Sometimes I get amazed by little victories and revelations along the way,
sometimes I get encouraged to hear God's voice,
sometimes it is a challenge to hear His voice and wonder whether He is in this and is for me,
at other times I get tired and angry at the pain of this process with no one in particular to blame.

There are many walls
Many battles that are still being fought to bring these walls down
Some battles you want to fight
Most battles you really don't want to.
You'd rather not.
It's sometimes easier for the walls to remain for us to feel safe-
But if they do we would never experience what is beyond them.