I just had the most painful ordeal in my entire life - removing ear wax from my infected ear. I've never experienced so much pain before. It was so painful that at one moment I felt like I was "high" and the room was spinning. But I'm glad I braved the pain and to some extent I'm proud of myself. I've never been so fearless when it comes to pain before (I guess it's because I didn't have a choice). Thanks to my boyfriend too who was there with me, I think his presence made a huge difference, at least I had a physical hand to hold and squeeze rather than some cold metal railing beside the bed.
Now looking back it was pretty hilarious. I was in such pain before the removal process that I sort of scolded him not to go on explaining anything to me and to shut up when the doc was removing the ear wax because my mind had no energy to process any explanation when it's damn painful. But he was awesome.. such great emotional and moral support. :) And before the process, I asked the doctor my first stupid question, "has anyone gone through this before?" The answer was yes. My second stupid question was, "and they survived?" Well, I think he must have thought I was nuts or just childish and ignorant. Another stupid remark I made was that I was gonna get PTSD after the removal. And I was actually quite serious and scared of that possibility. How silly.
The doctor had actually recommended me to go for General Anesthesia (GA) in order to remove the wax because he saw how painful it was for me when he tried removing it at first try. Obviously I wanted that option, despite the risks for GA. My aunt was laughing at me when I told her I wanted to go for GA to remove the wax. She said my threshold of pain super low and she exclaimed, "what?!?! you want to go for GA just to remove wax from your ear?". I'm such a princess, aren't I? :( But seriously, it's "damn pain"- and I'm echoing the words of the doctor. So who wouldn't opt for the less painful option? But well, I didn't get to have GA in the end because it couldn't be done as I had eaten food in the morning so I had to choose between 15-20 minutes of pain (remove wax without GA) and 24 hours of pain (if wax not removed). Of course I chose the former, like anyone in the right mind would.
So today I can finally breathe. I have been suffering for the past week, over dosing myself with pain killers because my ear was so painful due to the wax and infection. I can finally take a break from the pain and the yucky medicine.
Thank God for providing the opportunity to get an appointment today to see the ear specialist. It was suppose to be tomorrow but I couldn't hold it out anymore. It was really "damn pain". I could just curse and swear every moment (of course I didn't really). I couldn't sleep last night because of the excruciating pain so I went to ask for help at the hospitals at 4am in the morning.
Thankful to my boyfriend who was making the decisions and speaking to the doctors for me when I could hardly think and "dying" from the pain so early in the morning. I really would have "died of pain" (if it's even possible) without him around. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating, but I really don't know what would become of me without him. I was psychologically distressed due to the pain, I couldn't really make any decisions about where to go and what to do.
And I'm really thankful to the ear specialist. He really saved my life.
Thank God for watching over us and His grace and strength even though I had little energy and even mental strength to pray or think about Him.
I feel so weak now. I should be resting. But what a memorable day.
“Safe?”.... Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.- The Lion, the witch and the wardrobe
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Praising Him on Christmas
the Babe of Bethlehem clothed himself with dust so that the person of dust may be eternally clothed with glory. - J.M. Njoroge
It's been a while since I really enjoyed worshipping through songs. It's the moment when when you really mean what you sing and you feel sincere in the words you sing. And it's not because the music had anything to do with evoking any feelings.
Well, before Christmas service today, I was reading an article by JM Njoroge on RZIM and it was about how seemingly insignificant things are significant. It really encouraged me to realise how significant my life can be. Sometimes it's easy to get discouraged and think that I'm dispensable, whether in ministry, in my friendships, in my work. I sometimes think that there's always someone better than me and there will always be someone better to serve in my place, to be a better friend, a better mentor, a better girlfriend. I'm too ordinary and I sometimes even think that I'm not good enough.
I think it is true that I'm not good enough in many aspects, but I was really encouraged by the the article that expressed how God uses even the most ordinary and unlikely people in Scripture. It gives me greater courage and strength to know that even in my weaknesses, my trials, and being ordinary, I'm still part of a bigger picture, even though I may not see that bigger picture in God's mind. God is still at work, even though things may not make sense or I may feel inadequate, lousy, discouraged or plain and ordinary. Knowing that God is still at work encourages me to press on this journey too because I am learning to trust that I'm part of a far bigger and glorious picture.
And we see Christ, humbling Himself to come as a baby born in a manger. God, taking on human flesh. He became insignificant and walked among us ordinary human beings. Yet God used the very humbled state of Christ, the trials of Christ, the death of Christ to bring Himself glory, and to give us the hope of glory.
I was able to worship in song on Christmas day, because there's so much to praise God for - for Jesus, for who He is, and who I am in Him. I don't need to be discouraged by how weak I am and how insignificant I am anymore. I can praise Him, I can worship Him because of Jesus.
The article: http://www.rzim.org/resources/read/asliceofinfinity/todaysslice.aspx?aid=11051
It's been a while since I really enjoyed worshipping through songs. It's the moment when when you really mean what you sing and you feel sincere in the words you sing. And it's not because the music had anything to do with evoking any feelings.
Well, before Christmas service today, I was reading an article by JM Njoroge on RZIM and it was about how seemingly insignificant things are significant. It really encouraged me to realise how significant my life can be. Sometimes it's easy to get discouraged and think that I'm dispensable, whether in ministry, in my friendships, in my work. I sometimes think that there's always someone better than me and there will always be someone better to serve in my place, to be a better friend, a better mentor, a better girlfriend. I'm too ordinary and I sometimes even think that I'm not good enough.
I think it is true that I'm not good enough in many aspects, but I was really encouraged by the the article that expressed how God uses even the most ordinary and unlikely people in Scripture. It gives me greater courage and strength to know that even in my weaknesses, my trials, and being ordinary, I'm still part of a bigger picture, even though I may not see that bigger picture in God's mind. God is still at work, even though things may not make sense or I may feel inadequate, lousy, discouraged or plain and ordinary. Knowing that God is still at work encourages me to press on this journey too because I am learning to trust that I'm part of a far bigger and glorious picture.
And we see Christ, humbling Himself to come as a baby born in a manger. God, taking on human flesh. He became insignificant and walked among us ordinary human beings. Yet God used the very humbled state of Christ, the trials of Christ, the death of Christ to bring Himself glory, and to give us the hope of glory.
I was able to worship in song on Christmas day, because there's so much to praise God for - for Jesus, for who He is, and who I am in Him. I don't need to be discouraged by how weak I am and how insignificant I am anymore. I can praise Him, I can worship Him because of Jesus.
The article: http://www.rzim.org/resources/read/asliceofinfinity/todaysslice.aspx?aid=11051
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Awesome colleagues
I realise how blessed I am when I think about how I've got wonderful colleagues who've been so supportive and caring to me this first year at work. It's great when you can be yourself at the work place and not pretend to be someone you're not. I think I'm beginning to love myself more when I can be myself and others just accept me for who I am. It's almost miraculous that we can get along well with one another. I've never really experienced anything like this - such great synergy amongst a relatively large group of people. They're teaching me to put others' interest first and what it means to work as a team. It's possible that there can be no politics.
Today my supervisor gave me a handphone pouch. It's one of the most thoughtful gifts I've received! You see, my existing handphone pouch was really torn and tattered and I didn't have the time and energy to even think of getting a new one. So it was really sweet that she noticed and got it for me. really made my day.
Today my supervisor gave me a handphone pouch. It's one of the most thoughtful gifts I've received! You see, my existing handphone pouch was really torn and tattered and I didn't have the time and energy to even think of getting a new one. So it was really sweet that she noticed and got it for me. really made my day.
Friday, December 16, 2011
believers must think and thinkers can believe
Even though I've been a believer for some time, I still have many questions about the faith and issues that I struggle with. Maybe it's precisely because I've grown up in a believing family that I used to take some truths for granted, without previously thinking through them. Ravi Zachariah's ministries has been such a great encouragement to me as a believer. It gives me assurance that it is okay to have doubts, questions and struggles in the faith. It's been a while since I sincerely look forward to doing devotions each day. I do enjoy reading "today's slice" or listening to a broadcast. They've been helpful so far.
I used to come home from work thinking of going online to youtube or facebook or taylor swift website, but now I return home being somewhat excited about going to rzim website to just read or listen to a topic of interest, struggle or doubt. In my heart, I hope that all these articles or broadcasts will not just stay as head knowledge, but that I'll understand and develop strong convictions about issues, especially those that I struggle with.
There's this book that I really hope to get some day. It sounds so good:
Life really hasn't been easy. And it's in these moments that I find myself asking more questions and I cannot stay satisfied if I don't grapple with them and deal with the mess and confusion in my head and my heart.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Making Music
I'm thankful to be able to make music and to be learning to make music. Although I'm classically trained, I am now learning how to play pop/rock keyboard. Keyboard lessons have started not too long ago and it's been interesting so far. I didn't know that music was so mathematical yet so art-sy. I'm fascinated and feel accomplished when I can actually put my ears to good use!
Being able to make music is one of the best feelings in the world. It's fun, challenging and enjoyable. I'm glad that God gave us music. The world will be such a sad place without it. Being a person who's pretty much hobby-less (I don't really enjoy sports, cooking, baking, gardening, and making things), I'm happy that I've found something that I can enjoy and continue to grow in. Actually one of my biggest dream is to be able to write and compose music. But I'm really not much of a composer, in fact, I am really bad at it. So I'll be content with being able to make music. Hopefully, I can do it well and put it to good use.
Friday, December 9, 2011
God in the darkness
An encouraging article from RZIM website about how God is still with us, and can be with us even in the darkest moments in our lives...
The hope of Advent for all is that God is in the darkness with us, though our experience of God may seem as clear as shifting shadow. Yet God's coming near to us in the person of Jesus is not hindered by the darkness of this world or of our own lives. We may fear our dark despair hides us from God, but the treasure of God's presence awaits us even there—for the darkness is as light to God. (Manning, 2011)
more of this article on http://www.rzim.org/resources/read/asliceofinfinity/todaysslice.aspx?aid=11031
The hope of Advent for all is that God is in the darkness with us, though our experience of God may seem as clear as shifting shadow. Yet God's coming near to us in the person of Jesus is not hindered by the darkness of this world or of our own lives. We may fear our dark despair hides us from God, but the treasure of God's presence awaits us even there—for the darkness is as light to God. (Manning, 2011)
more of this article on http://www.rzim.org/resources/read/asliceofinfinity/todaysslice.aspx?aid=11031
Monday, December 5, 2011
Young Adulthood
Just when you think that you've gone past the whole terrible adolescent stage where you're still looking for yourself and dealing with all the hormonal changes and you think you're finally more settled as a person, you realise that young adulthood isn't actually the most fun life stage to be at times.
You start asking even deeper and more difficult questions, you question your faith and how your faith affects your daily experiences, especially the painful ones. You start to question societal norms, your own values. You start to wonder how you can still actually understand your faith, in the face of the complex world cos you realise that there are no quick or easy answers to life's questions and circumstances.
And then there's this whole future thing about career, marriage, financial planning etc. I hope I'm not the only one who's feeling intimidated by the "adult" stuff.
And suddenly, you are on your own. No one can tell you what to do or how to think anymore.
Maybe I've been so sheltered so it may contribute to this feeling of not feeling like I'm an adult. It's like..I kind of still want to be a youth. So it's kinda scary and uncomfortable at times. But I must admit it can be fulfilling and challenging too when you have a greater capacity and can create greater impact in various ways and people start taking you more seriously.
Just some thoughts before I head off to bed. Tomorrow will be another day at work.
You start asking even deeper and more difficult questions, you question your faith and how your faith affects your daily experiences, especially the painful ones. You start to question societal norms, your own values. You start to wonder how you can still actually understand your faith, in the face of the complex world cos you realise that there are no quick or easy answers to life's questions and circumstances.
And then there's this whole future thing about career, marriage, financial planning etc. I hope I'm not the only one who's feeling intimidated by the "adult" stuff.
And suddenly, you are on your own. No one can tell you what to do or how to think anymore.
Maybe I've been so sheltered so it may contribute to this feeling of not feeling like I'm an adult. It's like..I kind of still want to be a youth. So it's kinda scary and uncomfortable at times. But I must admit it can be fulfilling and challenging too when you have a greater capacity and can create greater impact in various ways and people start taking you more seriously.
Just some thoughts before I head off to bed. Tomorrow will be another day at work.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Mandy Moore
I love Mandy Moore and her voice! She's got one of the most awesome voices I've ever heard! : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xvhPr_FKwsY&feature=related
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Head and Heart
In times of trial and difficulties, I wish my faith and God can be more real to be than the circumstances that I am facing. But so often it's otherwise.
How can I experience the reality of Christ in my life, even in difficult circumstances? It's easy to know the truths about God, the character of God. But how can we be so assured? How can head knowledge become a "heart" knowledge?
How can I experience the reality of Christ in my life, even in difficult circumstances? It's easy to know the truths about God, the character of God. But how can we be so assured? How can head knowledge become a "heart" knowledge?
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