Painful decision

I've finally made a decision.

I feel sad, loss and pain. I wish I could do more and I could last longer. I'm just thankful our leader is not upset with me or made me feel any more guilty or sad than I already am. That really helps.

It's been hard work, but more joyous than burdensome.

I suppose I'm glad I finally made a decision. Been ambivalent for so long since about a year ago.

But I still feel the pain and the loss.  And I'm definitely concerned about the possible negative impact of this decision. Yet if I don't make this decision, it's not going to be helpful for the people involved as well.

I think God did assure me in some ways, that it is okay to not be able to cope with so much, and that His love is not dependent on what I do. It really doesn't matter what others think or perceive as long as I know why I'm doing what I'm doing and that it is not something dishonouring to God.

I'll blog more about this when it is more open and announced to the people around me. There's just so much I want to say, though now is not the time. Need to let this whole thing sink in and for God to assure me that everything is gonna be alright.

Let the saving love of Christ be the measure of our lives

Love this song. "Let the saving love of Christ be the measure of our lives". Sometimes we get our worth and identity from all other things or people other than Christ. This is what happens with work, with relationships in my life. I pursue them so hard, but forget that while they do matter, my relationship with God, my identity in God and Christ is the fundamental essence of who I am, and I can rest in Him. It's no wonder that Christ said that His yoke is easy and burden is light.

learning what I teach

Today's Bible study was really interesting. During the Bible study that I was conducting, I found myself actually being ministered to when I shared with the youths about the passage. Meaning, I found the lesson that I had prepared for the youths, extremely relevant for me too, and the truths in the passage started to impact me too.

Surely, this experience reminds me that it is the Spirit guiding us into all truth, and that truth is not only for those who hear, but even the one who is teaching.

I think there have been certain experiences in my life that I have been avoiding because they are  painful and uncomfortable. Yet, what I learned today through the passage of Psalm 23 was that sometimes, the paths of righteousness that the Shepherd (God) leads us through may be the valley of the shadow of death. That is to say, that when we pray that God will change us to be more like Him, the process may also be painful. And our response and hope in such situations is that the Shepherd is with us and will protect us. I often find myself running away, rather than depending on God and allowing God to change me to be more like Him through these difficult experiences.

What a reminder and challenge, yet an encouragement too.

He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
⁴ Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me (Psalm 23:3-4)

Press on

It's been a crazy week of attending to cases again. Been emotionally and mentally exhausting, and the week is also flying by so quickly. I hardly have time and space to attend to myself. It's finally the end of the work week.

In the past, I used to think that having the best brain, the biggest faith and the most compassionate heart would be crucial in social service. While these are still important, I've been finding that my ability to regulate my emotions is one of the most crucial aspects of being in the social work field. There's just so much on-going crises, people and emotions to attend to and that impact me on a moment by moment, day by day basis.

An on-going process of making sense of these emotional experiences. All I can say now is to keep calm and carry on. There is power in human interaction, there's hope that God will still work all things for His good purpose, there is grace and mercy enough.

Crises and safety

I'm relieved that it is the end of the week. Had quite a lot of crisis cases to handle the past few days and it's been quite emotionally intense.

During one of the cases that I handled, I managed to contain the person and help the person calm down, but after that I felt the impact of his/her internal/external crisis. It was really scary because the feelings of fear and being overwhelmed just came to me immediately after I finished attending to him/her. Usually, I'm more troubled when the person I attend to doesn't calm down or if I am unable to handle the situation. But this time was different because I managed to handle the crisis but after that I felt like I was breaking down myself. I couldn't really think, and make sense of the feelings that I was experiencing.

Shame is always a big factor in preventing me from seeking help. But a sense of safety and assurance that I am not going to be judged is also another big factor in encouraging me to seek help. In the end, I decided that I should seek help because I thought it was quite pointless and scary to continue ruminating.  And I suppose I felt safe enough with most people in my organization. Furthermore, I was going to see another case that I was suppose to counsel and it would be unethical for me to continue to work with the next person if I felt too overwhelmed.

Thankfully, there was a more senior colleague at work... and he prayed for me. THAT REALLY HELPED. I guess when all is said and done, and I've done all I could, I realise that God is the one ultimately in control of all things and people. I did feel better even though I couldn't really understand what I was experiencing internally, and it gave my mind and heart the space to consider that things would be fine because God is with me.

Talking to the right people helped too. In the process, I learned that I was experiencing some sort of secondary trauma, and that I felt unsafe. Putting labels or words to my experience really helped me to settle down to consider and make sense of my experience. Helped me to realise that what I was experiencing is also normal. And after talking to my boyfriend, I learned that I need to help myself to feel safe internally, whenever people or experiences impact me in a manner that makes me feel unsafe. So this is what I have to continue to work on and process in the future.

Feeling more settled now in this aspect.

I'm grateful that God provided the people and support that I needed, and that mostly, I wasn't judged or put down because of my experience. More and more, I find it important for myself to find safety in God and in God's people whom He brings to support along the way. With a sense of safety, it is easier to consider, reflect and think through issues in a logical and helpful manner.

I'm still reflecting upon Psalm 23 this week, and I find myself quite drawn to God who reveals Himself as my Shepherd. I'm drawn to a God who leads and not pushes for change (often it is us human beings who push one another or ourselves to buck up and change), who is present at all times, whose presence promises comfort in spite of trials, who is one I can experience a very personal relationship with.

Confusion

I can't really understand what I am feeling and why I am feeling what I'm feeling. The critical voice in me would put myself down and make me feel that I have not done good enough, that my heart is not fully in it and that therefore I should quit before I negatively influence others. Or so I think I would.

Yet, there is a part of me that also remembers all that God has led me to do, and how He has provided even when there are times I didn't ask or put in much effort. Maybe I can trust that He will provide along the way.

Should I carry on? or should I move on from here? But if I move on, then what will become of them? I know I'm not indispensible, but still.

What will others think of me? Will I get support for the ministry that I am passionate about? or would I be seen as someone who just decided to take the easy way out and quit. And if I don't get support, can I still believe that if I ever choose to move on, that I can do it with a good conscience knowing that God is still for me?

It's really tiring to be in this state of ambivalence. It's tiring to put up this act like everything is okay. It's sad that I feel this way on a constant basis.

The Good Shepherd

Thankful for a fulfiling day at a training course at work. :) It's been hard work during the 5 days, but somehow it is quite satisfying to learn and link different concepts/theories to guide my work in developing my supervisees. Looking forward to put these into practice and receiving supervision of my supervision too. There's so much to learn! Gotta keep holding on.

Things are getting busier and more intense at work in terms of the number and type of cases too. Stress has really become a normal process at work. I still feel anxious sometimes, whenever work/cases pile up, but there is this part of me that has developed to be resigned to the circumstances because they are not surprising. The needs are always plentiful and the workers are few.

In any case, I'm thankful for supportive people around me, and also to God who promises to be my Good Shepherd no matter what circumstances may be.

It's interesting as I was reading Psalm 23 today that it talks about walking through the valley of shadow of death and God's rod and staff's comfort and protection. What dawned upon me is that the Shepherd (God) in that psalm walks through with valleys with His sheep, that is to say, that God sometimes chooses or leads us into difficult situations but promises to be with us through it all. His presence being our comfort.

Having this understanding challenges who I understand God to be. It's easy to pray for God to alleviate our rough circumstances, and certainly some parts of scripture does describe that. But what if scripture also does present circumstances where God doesn't save us out of those circumstances but chooses to walk with us through them instead?

His promises of His peace, presence and comfort are certain because Jesus the Good Shepherd has already laid down his life for us.