Smothering enmeshment

So glad that I have the agency to move away from the smothering enmeshment.
In the past, I would feel guilty and bad for not having agreed or given in,
But at the expense of feeling like I can barely breathe or of feeling bad about myself,
like I have done something morally wrong or made a really stupid and unwise decision.
at the expense of seeing myself and my life through your eyes.
This is one of the downsides of living in an Asian society.

Now the smothering enmeshment makes me want to distance myself away further,
It doesn't promote true harmony as it has sought to accomplish as its goal in the first place.
How hypocritical it can be sometimes.
Yet we all have to learn to deal with it and work with it.
It is no easy task to negotiate because those who live and breathe it do not have insight that this is happening.

I have since realized that I am my own person,
and that I do not have to take responsibility for someone else's pain and unhappiness as if it were my own to bear,
when it is a matter of preference.

It is a sad situation that there can be no agreement,
And that we can only strategize our way to survive this.

I wish you could just let me go, and let me be.
and you would discover that perhaps,
contrary to what you had thought would happen,
perhaps,
we would finally be connected.

Difficult decisions

It usually is a mix of emotions and thoughts whenever a referral to child protection services has to be made. Sometimes it brings some relief that the authorities may be stepping in to ensure that children are safe, yet sometimes even more anxiety and uncertainty about what will happen to the family when this decision rocks the boat of the homeostasis and equilibrium.

Sometimes I feel good and glad that I am doing the right thing, but at times my heart just sinks at the fact that I have to make a referral - it means that things have not been good and people have already been harmed for a period of time.

Conflicting feelings in the midst of a very busy and intense 2 days. Sometimes I don't even have time to process and think. Don't even get me started on the systemic issues impacting the social service field - lack of manpower, resources, senior staff to meet the increasing complex needs of our cases.

Okay, time to send the referral.

God dwells with us where we are

A colleague shared and prayed that God dwells with us where we are. 

Even though it is such a simple truth, it's something that I tend to take for granted. Sometimes I'm just too worried about the future, about thinking of what I should do to improve my present circumstances and wishing that I could get better or be better that I forget that even in my present state or situation, God is still with me. 

Am I too anxious for things to be moving and "improving" that I forget the present?

Am I too prideful to think that the present circumstances and the present me are not meant to be, because in my eyes, things are not good enough?

-------

This week has been tough (not surprisingly, it is a rarity that a week is not tough). I've been discontented with many things. The idealist in me can't take it when things aren't what they should be, especially when things can be quite ridiculously illogical, political, rigid and hence, sometimes I don't really see the meaning in doing many things - and when there is little meaning it really drains a lot of my energy. 

-------

My reflection in view of all these things happening around me, to me and within me is - with whose eyes am I seeing these things and seeing me? And how are these eyes seeing things and seeing me?

What is good and what is bad, and how do we really know? 

Such difficult questions. No easy answers.

Direction

Having direction

It's been quite amazing.

I remember that I have been in the crossroads of my work and in ambivalence for some time. 

But I finally have a direction for what I want to do in the next 5 years. 

This decision brings some relief, 

but more importantly, it brings excitement and anticipation as well, mainly because I have a sense of purpose. 

And this sense of purpose gives me the energy to want to persevere even though the going might get tougher. 

I don't have to do this, but I want to do this. 

I do see that to some extent I have some aptitude, but yet, I see that there is much more I'm lacking and there's so much more I can grow in. 

I do see that making this decision and even coming to have made this decision is in itself quite a miracle, given some past hurts and experiences I've been through. 

Making this decision seems to me, like giving myself the opportunity to take the risk again, to re-examine things again, to heal and to grow. 

Uncertainties and people's opinions

This decision is also subject to external factors. I do not know whether the people in power would approve of or support my decision. I can only say that I will leave it to God because this is something I have no control over. 

To be honest, in making this decision, me, being the type who is pretty sensitive to how certain people may see me, feels vulnerable. There are people who may not fully get where I am heading towards or see the potential in my pursuit. People who have some influence in my life at the moment. Sometimes I feel quite sad and angry at these people, but I suppose sometimes they have their own agenda and beliefs as well, which I have no rights over either. But at the end of the day, I know why I want to do this and that's all that matters. 

I know that the people who care and know about me support this decision. Though I may never know whether this is so called "God's will", I know this decision is one that may please Him. Because finally I'm no longer running away but I also want to learn to grow and make sense of my experiences in the light of Him. 

So now as hard as it is, I'll have to patiently wait as God leads. And to also know that whatever that is good as I see it, cannot surpass the ultimate Good. 

Ambivalence

The feeling that your mind is separated from your emotional experiences is a very unsettling process.
Trying to battle this separation and to be comfortable with the incredible discomfort.
It's kind of like trying to find your footing and firm ground to stand when things feel unstable.
It's like sometimes you wonder why truth and experience can seem so different from how you'd expect them to be.
Your experience takes you to question why people who are suppose to be truth bearers don't seem to be relevant in the pain.
How can truth be relevant in the pain and suffering?
Can truth be truly life giving and life changing?

Maybe people are not whom we should find the truth in ultimately.
At best they can only be imperfect bearers of the truth.
Is there one who truly is the way, the truth and the life?
Maybe it is time to seek the truth that is life giving and life changing.
we can explore where this path leads.

May there be breakthroughs and opportunities during this ambivalence.

Walls

Been still struggling to process the pain and hurts.
It's so much easier to dismiss them or react to them as the emotions come.
They will haunt and come back.
It's been a painful and lonely journey that I shouldn't expect others to understand.
Or maybe it is too scary to risk the possibility of anyone doing so.

It has been quite a journey processing the pain and hurts.
Sometimes I get amazed by little victories and revelations along the way,
sometimes I get encouraged to hear God's voice,
sometimes it is a challenge to hear His voice and wonder whether He is in this and is for me,
at other times I get tired and angry at the pain of this process with no one in particular to blame.

There are many walls
Many battles that are still being fought to bring these walls down
Some battles you want to fight
Most battles you really don't want to.
You'd rather not.
It's sometimes easier for the walls to remain for us to feel safe-
But if they do we would never experience what is beyond them.

Being authentic

Recently I have had experienced a few personal victories, that I feel quite amazed and thankful for. I have been feeling quite fearful about certain social situations and expectations from particular people. These fears arise from past negative and hurtful experiences that I've had. For a long time, I've been feeling quite stuck in these fears, going through the seemingly endless cycles of remembering the hurts and pain. I am still fearful, but it's been less intimidating for me these days and I feel a sense of liberation and freedom.

What I've discovered that is key to start experiencing freedom from the fear of social expectations is to be real and authentic with oneself, and with God. Here's the process:

1. Acknowledging that feelings of fear and shame are present and there's nothing wrong with having feelings of fear and shame
- It helped to label for myself the feelings of fear and shame.
- The fear, arising from how other people will see me and my flaws.
- The shame, arising from how I see myself and all my flaws and weaknesses.


2. To stay with feelings of fear and shame
- The most instinctive/natural thing to do when we feel fear and shame is to run and to hide (respectively). That's what I've been seeing myself doing. I'll either run away from the situation or withdraw from certain social interactions (whether literally or figuratively).
- It's helpful when we just stay with those emotions as they arise and know that these emotions are okay, normal and valid.
- It's often unhelpful to tell oneself that we ought not to feel these feelings because God is in control, God has already accepted us. Sometimes doing this means to also run away and hide from who we are. This is where I realise that our typical Christian advice falls short. At least from my understanding, when we listen to a sermon or go for a Bible study, we are "trained" to quickly dismiss our feelings and quickly focus on what Scripture says. Hence, at this stage when experiencing fear and shame, the normal me would keep cognitively telling myself that I'm okay - I need not feel fear because God is in control, and I need not feel shame because Christ died for my shame - But doing these at this stage might be a little too premature. 

3. To make meaning of the fear and the shame
- I realised that the fear and shame were there because I kept running away from my flaws and my weaknesses. I realised that there were so many things I didn't like about myself and I was afraid that if people knew me for who I am, they would not like me too. And if they did not like me, I'll dislike myself even more. It's an endless self perpetuating cycle of not liking myself and being fearful of people not liking me.

4. To be authentic with self and with God
-  I decided to write down a list of everything I disliked and hated about myself. It wasn't difficult to do it because I knew the many things I hated about myself. 
- I looked at the list and struggled with God (I think I am still struggling). I struggled and told God that I really still dislike myself and I wondered how He would make anything better, or how having a relationship with Him would make any difference to all that I hated about myself.
- I struggled with God about how I know cognitively that He has already accepted me, yet I still can't accept myself and the fact that He has already accepted me.

5. The implications of the gospel
-As I was struggling, I happened to stumble upon a quote by Tim Keller that says, "The gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared to believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope".
- I think the first part of the quote always precedes the second. We can only know how much we are loved and accepted when we know how sinful and flawed we are in ourselves.
- After writing all I hated about myself, being and loved and accepted in Jesus then made sense and gave me the freedom to accept myself for who I am, even with my flaws and weaknesses.
- Since experiencing acceptance of who I am, I experienced the victory of being able to be less fearful in certain social situations and expectations. I honestly felt that it was really okay to just be who I am in those social situations and expectations, like it was also okay to fail to meet others' expectations. In the past, I would just run away or withdraw or give up because the fear of failure was too great. I was less organized by fear and shame in the way that I relate with others.
- I really did change at the end of my processing of these emotions of fear and shame. I really went into some social situation that I felt uncomfortable with, and I really did something I didn't normally do because of the fear of failure.


Reflections
-  Change in our behaviours is not the whole process of change. Often the typical Christian advice would be focused on on what we should do (or at best, think) differently, rather than how we can feel and think, and make meaning of our experiences.
- The process of change is often an unseen one. The behaviour is just one small (though significant) observable part of that change process. So we can stop being so preoccupied with working to ensure our behaviour changes, but rather allow ourselves to make meaning of what's happening to us in our different experiences and struggle with God through them too.
- Struggles, hurt and pain are part of the human experience (at least before Christ returns) and we need not always see them as negative or "blocks". We have the grace given to us to stay with the pain and hurt, to struggle through our difficulties and not just be preoccupied as to when the struggles would end or to run away/withdraw from them.

Fear and safety

It is really painful to experience one's own emotional distancing from another because one is too afraid to experience hurt and insecurity again, because one doesn't feel safe with another whom one had initially desired to feel safe with. To be honest, I don't think that desire would ever come back because some people are just not safe to be vulnerable to.

Beyond just dwelling on the pain, I think it is to recognize that some people just don't have the capacity to provide that safety, even though ideally they should be providing it. But thank God I now have the ability to choose the right people or person who could provide the safety and I can develop my own safety for myself. I'm thankful that God can be my secure base and safe place that will never fail me.

Angsty

I've been feeling super overwhelmed and angsty because of work.
The workload and the intensity of the cases are crazy.
And it feels like it never ends.
The kind of workload we have does not support the intensity, frequency and nature of our cases - we only have the capacity to see our cases about once a month, but in real life, there have been so many cases we need to keep in contact much more closely.
Very upset with the systems.
Very upset that I feel unprotected as a professional.
Very upset that something's got to give- either the professional's sanity or our cases' well-being and safety.
Well for sure, I'm certainly going to make efforts to protect my sanity first.
I'm just really really unhappy right now.

Crossroads? or trials?

Feeling like I'm either in a trial or coming to a crossroad.
Work has been tough; I didn't expect work to be so difficult.
Simply put, I didn't intend to sign up for this nature of work.
It has been tough in the past, but not this tough, and not to this intensity and of this nature.

I feel quite confused.

I'm not sure whether I should persevere in this trial, or realize that perhaps this trial is an indicator that I am at a crossroad to decide whether I want to continue to pursue this nature of work or perhaps specialize in something else.

Does God want me to stay here where I am at even though it is uncomfortable and honestly quite tiring and unsatisfying at times? or is He pointing me to another direction, that perhaps I should really consider changing my nature of job that is a better fit?

I do not know whether this is just a difficult phase in my profession, or is it that I have come to realize, after a few years in the field that perhaps doing this nature of work in the long term is not something I would want to do (projecting what I would be doing in the future too if I were to continue).

I don't want to quit or leave just because things are bad or not ideal now. But I also don't want to think I should stay in the long term if this job is really not something that I see enough meaning and purpose in doing.

I still enjoy parts of the job - the counseling parts in particular, but not really some other aspects of the job. But then again, who really enjoys everything about their jobs? Is having a job just for personal satisfaction, others'/society's benefit - how do we reconcile both?

Maybe I'll just need to press on first, and not give up, even though it is harder than I had imagined and wanted this to be. Maybe I just need to give it another shot and see how things go. Maybe this is a phase God has allowed me to go through for His purpose even though I honestly do not see how it is part of a bigger picture.... yet.

My ex-history teacher used to tell us to "press on" when we were going through difficult periods in school. I've always remembered that attitude and how that attitude carried us through the really tough times.

Maybe for now, let's just press on and be thankful. Even the midst of the trials, we can still be a blessing by His grace. Praying for wisdom, grace and guidance.

Feeling discouraged

Feeling pretty discouraged that I have been struggling with a particular relatively new skill at work. As one gets more experienced in the field, sometimes it feels harder not to feel guilty about not knowing something well enough. Sometimes I think I put too much pressure on myself to quickly grow and improve. This is largely because I have a dream - to be a good counsellor and trainer.

Sometimes the dream seems near, but other times it also seems far away, I keep asking myself how come I didn't pick up something fast enough, I wasn't able to respond appropriately and quickly enough, I couldn't think on the spot quick enough to resolve the issues at hand. I do doubt myself at times, in certain situations.

Well, this song helped cheer me up - maybe some might think it is frivolous, because it is too idealistic or movie-like. But I like how the song talks about how life can have many obstacles, and it is because of these obstacles that makes our dreams sweeter than fiction.

I don't know whether I'll achieve my dream, but I want and would like to believe that the challenges and struggles along the way are part of the molding process for me to be the counsellor and trainer that I seek to be. And even if the dream doesn't turn out what I may hope for, I also want to see the process of getting there a fruitful one.

You know that I'll be there time and again
'Cause I loved you when, when you
Hit the ground, hit the ground, hit the ground, oh oh
Only sound, only sound that you heard was "No"
Now in this perfect weather
It's like we don't remember
The rain we thought would last forever and ever (forever)

There you'll stand, ten feet tall
I will say, "I knew it all along."
Your eyes–wider than distance
This life–sweeter than fiction  - Taylor Swift

Great session

Had a good session of processing with a client about losses and pain. It is certainly not easy for a man of the older generation to be vulnerable to someone of my age and gender. It's really a breakthrough a shift.

I feel satisfied and glad when people I meet with feel safe during a session- when they experience someone being able to hold some of their pain and help them to grieve over their losses. These are the moments when we talk about the real  underlying issues and struggles, something that the government's key performance indexes would never really be able to capture when measuring success with our clients in the social service field.

Thankful for such a privilege, really. It is an honor to know someone for who they really are (at least partly). It will then be a start of change and working with the real issues, if they are willing.

Good experiences

Thankful for an experience today where someone asked me how I was, someone whom I felt was genuine about it. It really means a lot to me.

Being the one taking initiative (most of the time) to build relationships at work, or even in natural settings, it's just refreshing and heartening for me to experience people take the initiative to connect with me and to know me. 

I cherish these little seemingly insignificant moments, that actually mean a lot to me.


Also had quite a good time with my care group at church today; I mean, at the very least, I feel quite safe with them. Really thankful for their acceptance of me, even though I'm like the only female member (unofficially) there. And I like how it's a mutually supportive group, rather than group mainly directed by the leader or where there is a pattern where only some individuals reach out to others. The group is also one where members are self motivated to go because members see the value in meeting together, rather than as a chore or an obligation to tick off our list of being a Christian at the end of each week. Really like the culture of the group thus far.

Life is not always ideal, but I think I also want to hold on to these blessings along the way and be thankful.

Excitement

So excited... just had a supervision with a very experienced and amazing consultant for work. Thank God for people like her that make us feel safe yet is sharp to point out what is pertinent and able to process a case with me.

I look forward to the next supervision session. I feel so privileged.

I feel like screaming and jumping up and down because I'm so excited to learn from her and gain so much insights from her about the case.

I think I really want to go more into counseling, it really excites me a whole lot.

A compliment and shift from a client

In the midst of craziness of work, I think it is really a breath of fresh air to hear a client share about how (s)he has become more whole through our counseling sessions and has gained a greater self identity and competency. Thankful for days like this- it is for days like this that keep us going.

And I suppose  I will keep praying as to whether I want to stay in the social service field, or to do more counseling related work.  For now, and based on my job satisfaction level and type of progress with clients, I think I'll be praying for God to open doors for me to do more counseling work, if it is His will.

Good friends

Thankful for good friends who have stood by me these past weeks that have been tough - crisis cases and certification assignments and courses to attend to on a day to day basis. It's been crazy; just when you think things couldn't get crazier, they do.

As a people-helper reaching out to others most of the time, it is rare that you get help, that you sometimes need actually. Sometimes this makes me feel lonely in my struggles, and begs the question of who would be safe enough to be vulnerable to and also able to hold my pain. Something that I'm still contending with and processing through.

Nevertheless, God certainly gives us grace in our time of need. He does provide people (my good friends) along the way to help in one way or another. Trust in our secure base and our Creator, who truly knows us and loves us.

Praying.

. 

Difficult decisions

This week had a case where I had to notify the authorities about child maltreatment. This is the first time that I notified the authorities and pushed for them to step in because an assessment of the case showed that unless authorities step in, children's risk of harm will keep increasing (and it certainly has, already). The authorities are going to take the case up for investigations.

Through this process, I couldn't help but to feel scared and even guilty for reporting. Once a report is made, the authorities have every right to remove children. I don't know what's going to happen to the parents and the children who would be traumatized if they were to be separated. I'm not sure what my therapeutic relationship with the parents be like anymore. Will I still have their trust? And if not, then how will the broken relationship with them work out for the family and therefore, the children?

But the reporting had to be done. Objectively, I assessed that the children's needs were very neglected and risk of harm again was very high.

Praying that things will work out for this family and that positive changes would occur as a result of the authorities stepping in. I suppose we can only do what we had processed was best at the point in time, and leave the rest to God. God who is righteous, God who is close to the oppressed. 

2014 in Christ alone

"But you, Lord, are a shield around me,
    my glory, the One who lifts my head high.
⁴ I call out to the Lord,
    and he answers me from his holy mountain" Psalm 3:3-4

Praying that this 2014 will be centred on His glory, rather than my own. I say this not out of a Christian cliche, but because I've given glory and worshipped many other things or people above Christ in my heart. These other things that promise only temporal security and distraction from my real issues. The result is emptiness, confusion and pain. 

The real cure for our pain is Christ and His forgiveness, and the true relationship that brings pure joy is a relationship with Him, who gave us the glory to be His children and reflect His likeness.