Direction

Having direction

It's been quite amazing.

I remember that I have been in the crossroads of my work and in ambivalence for some time. 

But I finally have a direction for what I want to do in the next 5 years. 

This decision brings some relief, 

but more importantly, it brings excitement and anticipation as well, mainly because I have a sense of purpose. 

And this sense of purpose gives me the energy to want to persevere even though the going might get tougher. 

I don't have to do this, but I want to do this. 

I do see that to some extent I have some aptitude, but yet, I see that there is much more I'm lacking and there's so much more I can grow in. 

I do see that making this decision and even coming to have made this decision is in itself quite a miracle, given some past hurts and experiences I've been through. 

Making this decision seems to me, like giving myself the opportunity to take the risk again, to re-examine things again, to heal and to grow. 

Uncertainties and people's opinions

This decision is also subject to external factors. I do not know whether the people in power would approve of or support my decision. I can only say that I will leave it to God because this is something I have no control over. 

To be honest, in making this decision, me, being the type who is pretty sensitive to how certain people may see me, feels vulnerable. There are people who may not fully get where I am heading towards or see the potential in my pursuit. People who have some influence in my life at the moment. Sometimes I feel quite sad and angry at these people, but I suppose sometimes they have their own agenda and beliefs as well, which I have no rights over either. But at the end of the day, I know why I want to do this and that's all that matters. 

I know that the people who care and know about me support this decision. Though I may never know whether this is so called "God's will", I know this decision is one that may please Him. Because finally I'm no longer running away but I also want to learn to grow and make sense of my experiences in the light of Him. 

So now as hard as it is, I'll have to patiently wait as God leads. And to also know that whatever that is good as I see it, cannot surpass the ultimate Good.