Being older

It's been almost 2 years since the last post.
Glad I'm still alive.

It's been great getting older. This statement is probably rare in our ageist society.

One of the best things I appreciate about getting older is that I somehow care less about what others think of me. It's a very liberating experience to not be motivated by getting affirmation and approval from others. One can really move on to more important and salient things.

I also seem to be able to keep a distance from ideas, people and things. This helps me to gain richer and varied perspectives. In the past, it's sometimes hard not to take these things so personally. I've learnt that there are many ways to see things, and often there is more than meets the eye. There isn't a need to hold on to things and people too tightly or seriously.

Furthermore, I am able to give myself a lot more breaks. Part of it is due to having less energy of course, but the other part is remembering that I need not define my worth by my own definition of success and that the world can still go on without me.

I've also learnt that people are complex beings with mixed motivations, and that's human and okay. There's this proverb that speaks about being wise as serpents and innocent as doves. So true. I'm often the latter so I suppose I hope to be more of the former! This probably means that I will have to learn through mistakes and challenges in order to grow wiser.

Living in the moment is something I'm also still learning to appreciate and embrace. But I'm moving so that's something I'm thankful for. Life is short and there are certain moments and relationships that we have to seize and decide that are important for us. These are things that money and even more time cannot buy.

Life is often unfair. It's something I'm still learning to accept. Discrimination in many forms are rampant - whether it's by gender, age, race, income, appearance, ability. Gender discrimination is something that still irks me a lot on many fronts. I'm just glad that perhaps these areas are being more openly talked about than before.

There's still lots to grow in and I still have many questions unanswered. It isn't true that having spirituality or a religion (in my case, Christianity) means that I've got most things sorted. We're still work in progress.

Today is Christmas although Christmas ain't the day that Jesus was really born. In any case, I'm thankful that God came to be with us without discrimination. He became vulnerable and is present in our vulnerabilities. He became human to understand what it is like to be human. We are safe in Him to explore all our darkest thoughts, feelings, yearnings, fears, uncertainties and there is nothing we need to hide and nothing out of His control. We can rest because His work for us has been completed.

For days like this...

When social justice is served,
after a process of perseverance and not giving up,
it makes the hard work, staying in the mess, confusion and pain all worthwhile,
for a glimpse of the Kingdom.

When there's hope of sharing the good news,
open ears to listen and humility to be prayed for,
my heart skips a beat at the opportunities of redemption.

When there's growth and learning,
they are like music to my ears,
my mind is intrigued and amazed at potential.

When my hard and ignorant heart is stirred with thankfulness,
when my foolish and limited mind is opened to possibilities,
when my mustard seed, almost non existent size of faith increases,
my being is awed by miracles the ordinary days bring.

Thanksgiving for Year 2016

A year has gone by so quickly and it is easy to move on quickly onto new year resolutions for 2017.

I would like to take time to be thankful for the significant lessons and experiences this year, especially the many firsts I've experienced this year...



Overcame the most challenging phase in the history of the sector I've been in
Had the opportunity to experience management and supervision at the same time


Appreciated change in the midst of discomfort and uncertainty 
Felt the power of relationship over dogma 
Learnt the importance of being constructive 


Grappled with the pain of others' fallibility 
Realized the need to forgive to move on 


Gained confidence and clarity to face accusations
Observed and explored parts of self and attained meaning and value of authenticity 
Recognized valuable outcomes from flexibility and spontaneity 
Discovered the strength of appropriate anger and advocacy over crippling depression and anxiety 
Experienced the value of compassion over criticism 

Encountered the might of simple practices of prayer and Bible reading 

---

Amazed by the unexpected lessons and experiences..
Thanks to God and all the significant people who've been a part of life.

Getting use to not being in control

One of the things about modern life is the predictability of time and schedule of events . We grow up in such an environment. Things happen generally on time and according to schedule. Whatever we plan happens. Sure, there will be times that things do not go according to plan but these seem to be occasional.

As a student (most part of my life), semesters, assignments, exams are well planned ahead of time. Whatever I planned to study shows in kind of grades that I get.

But now that I am at work and even more so now during this horribly difficult time at work where we are facing macro level changes to the social service sector and being terribly overloaded, I suddenly feel out of control. Events are no longer as predictable. I dare not even plan for what I will do the next month, the clients I can schedule to see for the next month because there is so much unpredictability with the new system changes. I can only plan per week now, or at best, for the upcoming week.

And it's so unnerving and anxiety provoking for me. I feel depressed because I no longer feel the same level of control and competency in being able to do my work with my clients properly. I feel angry because this whole change is not even the result of my own actions but the result of some other people's decisions. The new changes are certainly good, but have they considered that the sector is sorely lacking in capacity to cope with the changes? No, obviously not.

Humanly speaking this new system that we have been ushered into in just defies human capacity. It's an impossibility to complete what is expected of us. Well, to put it sarcastically, perhaps it would be a possibility to complete what is expected of us if we were demi-gods living our lives solely for this new system, not needing any sleep and rest.

With this new system, the systems around us also send an implicit subtle message that our client's lives are in our hands and that if we are good enough, social problems can be better resolved. True and not true. It is true that the quality of our work matters and there is a level of influence we can have to people's lives. Yet at the same time, we need to recognize (and a certain system needs to recognize) that our clients' lives and even our own lives are not exactly within our control. Social workers (at least Christian social workers) need to work with the worldview that we are not the ones in control of our client's lives and our lives. It is a seeming tension that we have to negotiate and work out everyday because both are true (1) our work matters to God (2) God matters to our work. I wish (2) becomes more apparent and real though.

So anyway, just describing some of the thoughts running through my mind during this very difficult and challenging period.

I'm still learning to negotiate the tension of needing control yet learning to be comfortable with the lack of control because I know that God is in control. It's a very difficult tension to stay in and to learn. I feel the effects of it in my body, my thoughts and my speech and behaviour. I've probably never pleaded with God to change my circumstances so much before because sometimes it's really hard. Sometimes  you just want relief from this tension, and interestingly God does provide this relief in some moments as well.

Cling to God. Take one day at a time. *so hard to do... ugh*

Thank God this earth is not our ultimate home.

“The settled happiness and security which we all desire, God withholds from us by the very nature of the world: but joy, pleasure, and merriment, He has scattered broadcast. We are never safe, but we have plenty of fun, and some ecstasy. It is not hard to see why. The security we crave would teach us to rest our hearts in this world and oppose an obstacles to our return to God: a few moments of happy love, a landscape, a symphony, a merry meeting with out friends, a bathe or a football match, have no such tendency. Our Father refreshes us on the journey with some pleasant inns, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home.” CS Lewis

positions, perspectives and presence

Recently, I've been feeling the competing demands of work and studies, and also sharing my faith to someone. It's caused me to feel quite anxious about how I am going to cope with everything as so many things are calling for my attention and action. This morning I just felt the weight of it all dawning upon me when I got the a work news about a possible manpower loss that we may be experiencing in the near future. 

In terms of school, it's almost mid semester and assignments and projects are increasing. At work, there is a new transition and whole new system that one has to adapt to. I look at my schedule and tell myself that the task ahead seems humanly quite impossible. Been getting tension headaches and there was one night I woke up in the middle of the night because I was quite traumatized by an event that happened at work during the day. Part of me feels overwhelmed and depressed, the other part of me feels resigned to the reality and is trying to assure myself to take one day at a time and that God is in control. 

Thank God for some breaks in between. Today as I was feeling the weight of everything, I was reminded that God's presence is with me through this. Honestly I don't know how God's presence would help practically, but at least I know that He is in control of my life. Part of me felt privileged to know that God is still with me. And I just felt so blessed to be able to be in school to learn how God and His Kingdom matters in my work, even though I do not necessarily feel that way when I am at work at times because I feel pretty overwhelmed at the sheer amount of work we have to do. 

So, anyway, there are a lot of conflicting feelings and thoughts within myself. So many perspectives and positions we can take to perceive things. Yet there is an abiding presence no matter what. Just praying that I will be able to rest in this constant presence, even while so many other things are not constant. 

in-transition

Been working and studying for about 3 weeks now. It's been quite an enriching experience and I am really thankful for this privilege. For me, having some of my days to study and to do assignments is certainly a good mental and emotional break from work. Studying gives me the space to attend to myself and reflect on my work. It helps that what I am studying is related to what I am doing, so when I go back to work it also enriches my work experience.

At the same time, I also recognize that this is a transition that I am going through. And as someone rightly put it, transitions (no matter how positive they are) are stressful. On days I do feel mentally stretched. Physically, I feel like I need more energy to sustain my lifestyle, and I feel I need to pace myself and remind myself that this is not a sprint but a marathon.

Being quite a perfectionist, having to draw boundaries and manage the expectations of work and study is certainly a challenge. If I had my way, I'll be thinking and thinking... and thinking about making sure my assignment is of a standard that I take pride in. If I could, I would extend myself to ensure that all my cases I'm helping at work get the attention and help they need. But I realize that I cannot be doing this as it is unrealistic.

I think this transition is a very good training for me to be comfortable with doing "good enough" and even risking the possibility of failure. It has been a challenge the past 3 weeks. There are days that I get into these mental dilemmas as to whether I should study or allow myself for a break and not knowing which to choose - such a waste of time! Nevertheless, I was thinking that it is a good process to go through also because I learn to tune in more to myself and learn how to get into a healthy rhythm of work and rest.

In addition, me being quite adverse to sudden changes, working towards a balance of work and study is tough because life is not static. We need to plan our time well for each task, yet things happen so we need to know how to adapt and work when unforeseen circumstances crop up.

The transition of having studied in a "secular" system all my life and now having to move to a more "religious" education system is really a peculiar experience. I am suddenly free and no longer need to be inhibited to express my faith. Yet I don't feel entirely free. Ironically, I get bouts of feeling restricted that I have to link what I write to some form of theology or Biblical principle in all my assignments. In the past when I study, I do think about how what I study relates to theology or the Bible, but the system does not require me to intentionally do so all the time. I still do not know whether my feeling of being restricted is due to me being not spiritual and intentional in integrating my faith and learning, or is it just normal to feel restricted now because that's not how I used to think about what I study.

Being in a "religious" education system also makes me feel restricted in the way I dress, talk and conduct myself in terms of my habits. In this system, there is this "no nonsense" feel about it. For example, though I may be just on time for class, the whole class is already present. Another example will be that suddenly 90% of the clothes in my wardrobe are considered inappropriate for wear in school. And it's not like my clothes are revealing in any way; they have been approved by my Christian husband. In any case, having a strict code of conduct is helpful - it certainly has its pros in keeping everyone in order and being distinct from secular education systems, but I do wonder sometimes whether having such strict codes of conduct is helpful in setting a more inside-out transformative culture and creativity in living out our faith.

Through all these transitions, I am thankful:
1) that I can draw near to God any and every moment, because of Jesus. I can count on His constant presence to be with me each step of the way
2) to be able to take a step back to process how my faith relates to my work, how I can be more equipped myself and for work
3) for the people who are still constant in my life
4) for the learning to understand and work through my perfectionist self to juggle work and studies

phase 2 post surgery recovery

I've been feeling a lot better the past few days after surgery. Thank God. I've been walking a lot more than usual and the pain is decreasing so I am also decreasing my dosage of pain killers. The feeling is awesome.

I'm starting to enjoy this long break from work.

Here's the thing. It's only when I started on this long break that I realize how much the nature of my work has been taking its toll on me - particularly psychologically and emotionally. Even having to deal with the physical pain and discomfort of the surgery is not as overwhelming than having to attend to clients on a usual daily basis, especially when they are in crisis situations. And I'm the type that freaks out at any medical procedure and my threshold of pain is pretty low.

Of course, one can argue that he physical pain is not that bad and it hasn't been as long term as I've had to attend to clients. But still, just being emotionally removed for  this short while even while having to cope with the physical pain has already felt like a emotional/mental break for me - which amazes me. This makes me realize how much I've been absorbed in my work and how much I would need to remember self care and to learn how important it is to be mentally removed from my clients whenever I'm not on the job. One needs to remember the cycles of work and rest that God designed and not doubt it. In this fast paced and broken world, it is pretty hard to see why we need to rest and we subconsciously honour working more than resting - at least in the Asian context.

And I'm really savouring this opportunity to catch up on reading. It's a luxury to read and to have time and space to process information. We hardly have such opportunities at work because we are faced with so many urgent and immediate needs to have to attend to.

When I go back to work, I do hope I'll learn to slow down more often to process information/stimuli and remove myself more often from work. Need to learn to rest, even amidst chaos and confusion, which I'll have to go through given the nature of my work. Hope to be able to find a solid foundation and centre of rest and what this even means.