As a student (most part of my life), semesters, assignments, exams are well planned ahead of time. Whatever I planned to study shows in kind of grades that I get.
But now that I am at work and even more so now during this horribly difficult time at work where we are facing macro level changes to the social service sector and being terribly overloaded, I suddenly feel out of control. Events are no longer as predictable. I dare not even plan for what I will do the next month, the clients I can schedule to see for the next month because there is so much unpredictability with the new system changes. I can only plan per week now, or at best, for the upcoming week.
And it's so unnerving and anxiety provoking for me. I feel depressed because I no longer feel the same level of control and competency in being able to do my work with my clients properly. I feel angry because this whole change is not even the result of my own actions but the result of some other people's decisions. The new changes are certainly good, but have they considered that the sector is sorely lacking in capacity to cope with the changes? No, obviously not.
Humanly speaking this new system that we have been ushered into in just defies human capacity. It's an impossibility to complete what is expected of us. Well, to put it sarcastically, perhaps it would be a possibility to complete what is expected of us if we were demi-gods living our lives solely for this new system, not needing any sleep and rest.
With this new system, the systems around us also send an implicit subtle message that our client's lives are in our hands and that if we are good enough, social problems can be better resolved. True and not true. It is true that the quality of our work matters and there is a level of influence we can have to people's lives. Yet at the same time, we need to recognize (and a certain system needs to recognize) that our clients' lives and even our own lives are not exactly within our control. Social workers (at least Christian social workers) need to work with the worldview that we are not the ones in control of our client's lives and our lives. It is a seeming tension that we have to negotiate and work out everyday because both are true (1) our work matters to God (2) God matters to our work. I wish (2) becomes more apparent and real though.
So anyway, just describing some of the thoughts running through my mind during this very difficult and challenging period.
I'm still learning to negotiate the tension of needing control yet learning to be comfortable with the lack of control because I know that God is in control. It's a very difficult tension to stay in and to learn. I feel the effects of it in my body, my thoughts and my speech and behaviour. I've probably never pleaded with God to change my circumstances so much before because sometimes it's really hard. Sometimes you just want relief from this tension, and interestingly God does provide this relief in some moments as well.
Cling to God. Take one day at a time. *so hard to do... ugh*
Thank God this earth is not our ultimate home.
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