in-transition

Been working and studying for about 3 weeks now. It's been quite an enriching experience and I am really thankful for this privilege. For me, having some of my days to study and to do assignments is certainly a good mental and emotional break from work. Studying gives me the space to attend to myself and reflect on my work. It helps that what I am studying is related to what I am doing, so when I go back to work it also enriches my work experience.

At the same time, I also recognize that this is a transition that I am going through. And as someone rightly put it, transitions (no matter how positive they are) are stressful. On days I do feel mentally stretched. Physically, I feel like I need more energy to sustain my lifestyle, and I feel I need to pace myself and remind myself that this is not a sprint but a marathon.

Being quite a perfectionist, having to draw boundaries and manage the expectations of work and study is certainly a challenge. If I had my way, I'll be thinking and thinking... and thinking about making sure my assignment is of a standard that I take pride in. If I could, I would extend myself to ensure that all my cases I'm helping at work get the attention and help they need. But I realize that I cannot be doing this as it is unrealistic.

I think this transition is a very good training for me to be comfortable with doing "good enough" and even risking the possibility of failure. It has been a challenge the past 3 weeks. There are days that I get into these mental dilemmas as to whether I should study or allow myself for a break and not knowing which to choose - such a waste of time! Nevertheless, I was thinking that it is a good process to go through also because I learn to tune in more to myself and learn how to get into a healthy rhythm of work and rest.

In addition, me being quite adverse to sudden changes, working towards a balance of work and study is tough because life is not static. We need to plan our time well for each task, yet things happen so we need to know how to adapt and work when unforeseen circumstances crop up.

The transition of having studied in a "secular" system all my life and now having to move to a more "religious" education system is really a peculiar experience. I am suddenly free and no longer need to be inhibited to express my faith. Yet I don't feel entirely free. Ironically, I get bouts of feeling restricted that I have to link what I write to some form of theology or Biblical principle in all my assignments. In the past when I study, I do think about how what I study relates to theology or the Bible, but the system does not require me to intentionally do so all the time. I still do not know whether my feeling of being restricted is due to me being not spiritual and intentional in integrating my faith and learning, or is it just normal to feel restricted now because that's not how I used to think about what I study.

Being in a "religious" education system also makes me feel restricted in the way I dress, talk and conduct myself in terms of my habits. In this system, there is this "no nonsense" feel about it. For example, though I may be just on time for class, the whole class is already present. Another example will be that suddenly 90% of the clothes in my wardrobe are considered inappropriate for wear in school. And it's not like my clothes are revealing in any way; they have been approved by my Christian husband. In any case, having a strict code of conduct is helpful - it certainly has its pros in keeping everyone in order and being distinct from secular education systems, but I do wonder sometimes whether having such strict codes of conduct is helpful in setting a more inside-out transformative culture and creativity in living out our faith.

Through all these transitions, I am thankful:
1) that I can draw near to God any and every moment, because of Jesus. I can count on His constant presence to be with me each step of the way
2) to be able to take a step back to process how my faith relates to my work, how I can be more equipped myself and for work
3) for the people who are still constant in my life
4) for the learning to understand and work through my perfectionist self to juggle work and studies