Getting use to not being in control

One of the things about modern life is the predictability of time and schedule of events . We grow up in such an environment. Things happen generally on time and according to schedule. Whatever we plan happens. Sure, there will be times that things do not go according to plan but these seem to be occasional.

As a student (most part of my life), semesters, assignments, exams are well planned ahead of time. Whatever I planned to study shows in kind of grades that I get.

But now that I am at work and even more so now during this horribly difficult time at work where we are facing macro level changes to the social service sector and being terribly overloaded, I suddenly feel out of control. Events are no longer as predictable. I dare not even plan for what I will do the next month, the clients I can schedule to see for the next month because there is so much unpredictability with the new system changes. I can only plan per week now, or at best, for the upcoming week.

And it's so unnerving and anxiety provoking for me. I feel depressed because I no longer feel the same level of control and competency in being able to do my work with my clients properly. I feel angry because this whole change is not even the result of my own actions but the result of some other people's decisions. The new changes are certainly good, but have they considered that the sector is sorely lacking in capacity to cope with the changes? No, obviously not.

Humanly speaking this new system that we have been ushered into in just defies human capacity. It's an impossibility to complete what is expected of us. Well, to put it sarcastically, perhaps it would be a possibility to complete what is expected of us if we were demi-gods living our lives solely for this new system, not needing any sleep and rest.

With this new system, the systems around us also send an implicit subtle message that our client's lives are in our hands and that if we are good enough, social problems can be better resolved. True and not true. It is true that the quality of our work matters and there is a level of influence we can have to people's lives. Yet at the same time, we need to recognize (and a certain system needs to recognize) that our clients' lives and even our own lives are not exactly within our control. Social workers (at least Christian social workers) need to work with the worldview that we are not the ones in control of our client's lives and our lives. It is a seeming tension that we have to negotiate and work out everyday because both are true (1) our work matters to God (2) God matters to our work. I wish (2) becomes more apparent and real though.

So anyway, just describing some of the thoughts running through my mind during this very difficult and challenging period.

I'm still learning to negotiate the tension of needing control yet learning to be comfortable with the lack of control because I know that God is in control. It's a very difficult tension to stay in and to learn. I feel the effects of it in my body, my thoughts and my speech and behaviour. I've probably never pleaded with God to change my circumstances so much before because sometimes it's really hard. Sometimes  you just want relief from this tension, and interestingly God does provide this relief in some moments as well.

Cling to God. Take one day at a time. *so hard to do... ugh*

Thank God this earth is not our ultimate home.

“The settled happiness and security which we all desire, God withholds from us by the very nature of the world: but joy, pleasure, and merriment, He has scattered broadcast. We are never safe, but we have plenty of fun, and some ecstasy. It is not hard to see why. The security we crave would teach us to rest our hearts in this world and oppose an obstacles to our return to God: a few moments of happy love, a landscape, a symphony, a merry meeting with out friends, a bathe or a football match, have no such tendency. Our Father refreshes us on the journey with some pleasant inns, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home.” CS Lewis

positions, perspectives and presence

Recently, I've been feeling the competing demands of work and studies, and also sharing my faith to someone. It's caused me to feel quite anxious about how I am going to cope with everything as so many things are calling for my attention and action. This morning I just felt the weight of it all dawning upon me when I got the a work news about a possible manpower loss that we may be experiencing in the near future. 

In terms of school, it's almost mid semester and assignments and projects are increasing. At work, there is a new transition and whole new system that one has to adapt to. I look at my schedule and tell myself that the task ahead seems humanly quite impossible. Been getting tension headaches and there was one night I woke up in the middle of the night because I was quite traumatized by an event that happened at work during the day. Part of me feels overwhelmed and depressed, the other part of me feels resigned to the reality and is trying to assure myself to take one day at a time and that God is in control. 

Thank God for some breaks in between. Today as I was feeling the weight of everything, I was reminded that God's presence is with me through this. Honestly I don't know how God's presence would help practically, but at least I know that He is in control of my life. Part of me felt privileged to know that God is still with me. And I just felt so blessed to be able to be in school to learn how God and His Kingdom matters in my work, even though I do not necessarily feel that way when I am at work at times because I feel pretty overwhelmed at the sheer amount of work we have to do. 

So, anyway, there are a lot of conflicting feelings and thoughts within myself. So many perspectives and positions we can take to perceive things. Yet there is an abiding presence no matter what. Just praying that I will be able to rest in this constant presence, even while so many other things are not constant. 

in-transition

Been working and studying for about 3 weeks now. It's been quite an enriching experience and I am really thankful for this privilege. For me, having some of my days to study and to do assignments is certainly a good mental and emotional break from work. Studying gives me the space to attend to myself and reflect on my work. It helps that what I am studying is related to what I am doing, so when I go back to work it also enriches my work experience.

At the same time, I also recognize that this is a transition that I am going through. And as someone rightly put it, transitions (no matter how positive they are) are stressful. On days I do feel mentally stretched. Physically, I feel like I need more energy to sustain my lifestyle, and I feel I need to pace myself and remind myself that this is not a sprint but a marathon.

Being quite a perfectionist, having to draw boundaries and manage the expectations of work and study is certainly a challenge. If I had my way, I'll be thinking and thinking... and thinking about making sure my assignment is of a standard that I take pride in. If I could, I would extend myself to ensure that all my cases I'm helping at work get the attention and help they need. But I realize that I cannot be doing this as it is unrealistic.

I think this transition is a very good training for me to be comfortable with doing "good enough" and even risking the possibility of failure. It has been a challenge the past 3 weeks. There are days that I get into these mental dilemmas as to whether I should study or allow myself for a break and not knowing which to choose - such a waste of time! Nevertheless, I was thinking that it is a good process to go through also because I learn to tune in more to myself and learn how to get into a healthy rhythm of work and rest.

In addition, me being quite adverse to sudden changes, working towards a balance of work and study is tough because life is not static. We need to plan our time well for each task, yet things happen so we need to know how to adapt and work when unforeseen circumstances crop up.

The transition of having studied in a "secular" system all my life and now having to move to a more "religious" education system is really a peculiar experience. I am suddenly free and no longer need to be inhibited to express my faith. Yet I don't feel entirely free. Ironically, I get bouts of feeling restricted that I have to link what I write to some form of theology or Biblical principle in all my assignments. In the past when I study, I do think about how what I study relates to theology or the Bible, but the system does not require me to intentionally do so all the time. I still do not know whether my feeling of being restricted is due to me being not spiritual and intentional in integrating my faith and learning, or is it just normal to feel restricted now because that's not how I used to think about what I study.

Being in a "religious" education system also makes me feel restricted in the way I dress, talk and conduct myself in terms of my habits. In this system, there is this "no nonsense" feel about it. For example, though I may be just on time for class, the whole class is already present. Another example will be that suddenly 90% of the clothes in my wardrobe are considered inappropriate for wear in school. And it's not like my clothes are revealing in any way; they have been approved by my Christian husband. In any case, having a strict code of conduct is helpful - it certainly has its pros in keeping everyone in order and being distinct from secular education systems, but I do wonder sometimes whether having such strict codes of conduct is helpful in setting a more inside-out transformative culture and creativity in living out our faith.

Through all these transitions, I am thankful:
1) that I can draw near to God any and every moment, because of Jesus. I can count on His constant presence to be with me each step of the way
2) to be able to take a step back to process how my faith relates to my work, how I can be more equipped myself and for work
3) for the people who are still constant in my life
4) for the learning to understand and work through my perfectionist self to juggle work and studies

phase 2 post surgery recovery

I've been feeling a lot better the past few days after surgery. Thank God. I've been walking a lot more than usual and the pain is decreasing so I am also decreasing my dosage of pain killers. The feeling is awesome.

I'm starting to enjoy this long break from work.

Here's the thing. It's only when I started on this long break that I realize how much the nature of my work has been taking its toll on me - particularly psychologically and emotionally. Even having to deal with the physical pain and discomfort of the surgery is not as overwhelming than having to attend to clients on a usual daily basis, especially when they are in crisis situations. And I'm the type that freaks out at any medical procedure and my threshold of pain is pretty low.

Of course, one can argue that he physical pain is not that bad and it hasn't been as long term as I've had to attend to clients. But still, just being emotionally removed for  this short while even while having to cope with the physical pain has already felt like a emotional/mental break for me - which amazes me. This makes me realize how much I've been absorbed in my work and how much I would need to remember self care and to learn how important it is to be mentally removed from my clients whenever I'm not on the job. One needs to remember the cycles of work and rest that God designed and not doubt it. In this fast paced and broken world, it is pretty hard to see why we need to rest and we subconsciously honour working more than resting - at least in the Asian context.

And I'm really savouring this opportunity to catch up on reading. It's a luxury to read and to have time and space to process information. We hardly have such opportunities at work because we are faced with so many urgent and immediate needs to have to attend to.

When I go back to work, I do hope I'll learn to slow down more often to process information/stimuli and remove myself more often from work. Need to learn to rest, even amidst chaos and confusion, which I'll have to go through given the nature of my work. Hope to be able to find a solid foundation and centre of rest and what this even means.

surgery experience

It's been a week since surgery. It's been quite an experience that I think I should blog about it; as much as I would rather not have to go through the experience, since I have had to go through it, I might as well write it down here.

The day of the surgery was one of the scariest days of my life. It was mainly scary because of the uncertainty of how the post-surgery pain and discomfort might feel, what the preliminary results would be, what they would be doing with my body parts. It's just the loss of sense of control over my body and life that was really daunting.

The only thing that I could muster and pray to God was to ask Him to help me do what I couldn't do for myself - which is to trust that He is in control and with me. Ironically in doing so, sounds like I did indeed have that little bit of faith. :) And I knew that in no way was God unhappy with me due to my little faith. I had nothing to proof and I knew I needed to proof nothing to Him because He has done everything for me to belong to Him. Knowing this helped though it certainly did not take away the immense fear I experienced.

Anyway, back to the surgery experience.

So it was the most horrible and scary walk in my life to the surgical table, yet, I experienced just enough peace and resolve to do so. I really did not want to be on the general anaesthesia because before that I was imagining all the horrible things the surgeon would be doing to my body (it's hard to tell oneself not to think of it). Thankfully, the surgeon was really patient with me and even asked me if I had any concerns or questions - that gave me some space to mentally prepare myself. Before I knew it, I was given a mask and in less than 2 seconds I was off to sleep.

I woke up feeling chronic pain but the drowsiness from the GA helped to ease the pain. I thought to myself, "Okay so the pain isn't as bad as I thought it would be". Time seemed to pass really fast at the recovery ward though I was in pain and feeling drowsy. Thank God for painkillers. After some hours, I felt good enough to be wheeled back into the main ward. I really like the oxygen they were giving me too, breathing was really easy.

I was on drip and was plugged to a pee catheter. Honestly, I still can't believe that I survived all that. I really hate needles and being poked in anyway, it's just psychologically scary, but somehow I was strangely calm and generally quite comfortable. And I was slightly glad I didn't need to even pee for the first time in my life. It's quite amazing how the catheter works. And I'm also amazed at how I didn't feel hungry for almost 48 hours as I was on drip.

I felt a deep sense of relief that the surgery was over and I also got some good news about my condition. I saw my husband and some friends and was happy I could see familiar faces and assuring presences.

One of the worst things about being in hospital is being disturbed by the nurses. I really disliked them to be honest, though I knew they were just doing their job. And it was the thing that made me mentally strong to make sure I stood up and walk the next day and to practise walking the next few days so I could get discharged ASAP. WHO WAKES ONE UP EVERY HOUR AT NIGHT TO TAKE BLOOD PRESSURE?! AND 1AM IN THE MORNING TO TAKE MEDICATION?!

JUST. GO. AWAY.

Sorry, just ranting.

One of the best things post surgery is being able to fart and start eating, walking and showering again. You just feel alive and thankful for the gift of taste and mobility. My first bowl of porridge was so satisfying and the first shower was a huge mental task but I still felt really good nonetheless.

I'm also really thankful for the friends that came to visit throughout the days. Though I was really tired after each visit, the visits really helped time go by really quickly. And it was heartening to know that there are many people who are concerned and praying for me. One thing I've learnt through observing the friends who came is that to only inform closer friends about one's medical condition and ask them to keep in confidence. Then you won't get people you are not close to you visiting. It also helped to ask friends to let you know when they will be coming so you have some mental preparation. For introverts, these strategies are quite important.


Now that I am back home, the past few days have been really tiring. Not sure why, maybe all the energy is going into the healing process. Even basic daily functions like walking, talking, showering, reading are quite exhausting. I've started to take Vitamin B and it has helped - which is why I can actually type this whole blog entry. :) it is for the reason of being exhausted that I refuse to have visitors come round.

What's best about being back home is that I can finally drink coffee/tea again and I can finally eat the foods that I like to eat. :)) the first cup of coffee was SO GOOD. AND NO MORE DISTURBANCES FROM NURSES. I really do not like disturbances in any form. AND I can live and be reunited with my husband <3

Thankful for a good post surgery preliminary result, thankful for Jesus for because of Him I need not prove my faith and that I am good enough, I can know He will be with me even when I may not consciously acknowledge His presence and thankful for people whom I know do care for me during this process. Thankful for His grace and mercy that I need not have to go through too much physical/mental suffering in the process.

experiences with uncertainties of health

I never thought that I would have a health/medical problem to contend with at a relatively young age. It's been quite a roller coaster ride, and like every roller coaster, it's scary and uncertain. Yet there are things to be thankful for thus far also while I get on this ride and experience. Here are my thoughts and feelings of this whole experience so far.

#1
Thankful that no matter how I feel and how uncertain the circumstances are ahead, there is the hope of healing in eternal life in Christ. And because of this, I am assured that I am and will always be in a safe place because nothing can take away eternal life and my status as a child of God.

#2
 Thankful for people who are able to give me support and encouragement. It's interesting to observe and experience the various things people will say with good intentions to encourage. The best kinds of encouragements are the friends who are just able to stay with how you are feeling and also to assure you that you've done your best and the rest is really in God's hands. That frees me of feeling that there is something wrong with me when I am feeling down or anxious, and also encourages me to entrust my worries to God.

Frankly, I get irritated when people tell me "not to worry so much" or "have more faith" or pray that God will heal. Isn't worry and the so-called "lack of faith" pretty much normal and natural response to suffering and illness? After all, it wasn't God's intention to create suffering and illness and this wasn't the original good design that God intended.

Also, it's not that I doubt that God can heal, it's just... then ironically, by only praying that God will heal (and thinking we have faith if we pray that God can heal), we are possibly limiting God's bigger plan for allowing such things to happen in our lives. Is faith limited to hoping that God can do obviously supernatural things like physical healing?

#3
One thing I've learnt that has been helpful then is to recognize what it means to be human. Being human means to experience pain, anxiety, sadness, fear in the present age until Christ comes again. Yet being human is also to recognize our limitations and to realize that we need not take the responsibility over things that we do not have control over and realize it is God who has these things in control. Being human is to recognize that we are not God and we are in this relationship with God who is sovereign over all things and our lives. I experience the reality of being human in a more pronounced way than ever during this period. This tension has also been quite a challenge to contend with.

#4
Thankful for God's provision thus far. Somehow the health condition seems to be detected early. And I've got an experienced and supportive doctor/surgeon who is also a believer - and who is relatively young. Somehow younger people can empathize and are more sensitive to pain than older folks. Maybe older folks are more "hardy" because they've already gone through difficult experiences in the past and didn't grow up in as comfortable environments as us. Whereas we younger folks experience "first world problems" of having grown up in a comfortable environment and when discomfort happens, we are less "hardy" in coping with them. So hardy folks would find it harder to empathize and be sensitive to less hardy folks.


That's all for now. It's a tough position to be in right now. There are times I don't know what to think or how to feel, as much as I want to be as clear minded about this as possible.

Realities VS Idealism

It's been a journey in the field and working world. More than ever as we experience the realities of the world, we are confronted with how our idealism will never match up to the realities that we see. The end result is that sometimes we feel jaded, disappointed and angsty when things are not how one would or had envisioned things to be.

I'm not sure to what extent these sentiments are felt in other professions, but certainly in the social service profession, the tension between our ideals and the current realities are to be contended with. The tension presents many challenges of decreasing job satisfaction, loss of sense of purpose and worth of our work and disillusionment with higher systems and policies. This is certainly a fallen world, within and amongst systems, how we prioritize the importance of people need, and relational brokenness.

As a social service practitioner and also a supervisor to other colleagues or students, I find that perhaps this is one aspect of the field that has not been adequately dealt with. sometimes, we hide or would rather not address this tension that is obvious and draining our emotional and psychological energy at times. And we just continuously plod along and do what needs to be done.

I think we need to first acknowledge that there is a problem and there exists this tension. At least then there would be some authenticity. If this is not addressed, then we will either get jaded or get anxious. Get jaded and anxious because there are just too many needs and there is just too much work to be done. This would help practitioners to be less hard on ourselves and to be realistic in what we can do. To place an idealistic worker in an environment that has many real needs will certainly lead to burn out or disillusionment.

Then, we should start to acknowledge that perhaps the sense of idealism is not all that bad. It will give us the strength and energy to want to make changes happen that will ultimately benefit the people that we serve. I personally like the idealism of new practitioners and students studying social work. Yes, they may be unrealistic but at least, there exists the possibility for positive change to aspects of the field that need reformation.

Third, we also need to realize that we work with people. People are the hardest systems to work with. More and more, I realize that knowing to work as a team and managing expectations and relating to others in an authentic yet professional way is certainly a challenge that books and the university do not teach. I used to live in my own world where I believe all social service professionals are great to work with as they are the nicest people- this is certainly on the contrary at times, and I am also speaking for myself.

These are some reflections that I have as a worker from the past few months. They have helped me to gain greater sanity and to be more realistic, yet to still appreciate the fact that I have ideals though they may not be met all the time, and to start thinking through how some of my ideals can be better met. They have helped me to be less jaded, anxious and disillusioned. I wish I could be taught more about these unseen realities!

I guess I also realize that I am no longer a student and no one will really be available to hand hold me and that my learning and growth is something I need to take ownership of. It's tough to learn this fact and truth and I find it challenging. Praying for God's grace and wisdom as I experience this tension and growth.

Weighted

Really feel quite burdened today both personally and also as a social service professional. Sometimes one really feels quite helpless and at a loss whenever we think we have done what we could and people are still in their same chronic situations as they have been in for a long time. Sometimes you feel like you are just waiting for the next crisis to happen and there is nothing you can really do about it except to be there to pick up the pieces when it happens.

This kind of experience is very unsettling, scary and depressing really.

I don't know if some of this is due to my unrealistic expectations of myself and my clients. It's hard to deal with messiness and things that are not within our control, or that can never really be within our control in the first place.

Or maybe this is due to the belief and vision of what things ought to be in a peaceful and just society. And there's nothing wrong with wanting to work towards justice and peace. But there's just too much injustice and deep seated issues sometimes, maybe it is too heavy a burden for one person to carry also.

Perhaps some of this is also because of my own insecurities as a social service professional. Sometimes I wonder whether to some of my clients, I am but helpline for them that they turn to for help only when they need help and to fulfill only what they perceive is what they need. I wonder whether we really do have a working relationship to begin with for any change to really happen.

Maybe change is something too scary for most of us so by default it is tough to want to change. Maybe it is also true that in this world there will always be injustice and crises and they are things we may need to be in the midst of even as we try really hard to ensure justice and peace.

So, I hope that I can really cast these burdens to Him and humble myself before Him in the midst of these uncertainties and fears, even as they still exist within me and in my clients' lives. That at the right time, He will protect and show mercy in our imperfections and brokenness.

wedding - a bitter sweet ordeal

We just got married. 

The first feeling that we had was just pure relief. 

The heavy weight and burden of the wedding preparations has been lifted.

We can finally take a break from all the wedding preparations and start on marriage life as a couple. 

The feeling of relief has been something that we really relish and savour. 

And after all is said and done, I still have no idea why weddings have to be such grand events if the couple is not keen for them to be so. 

----

1. Many girls dream to have a great wedding and look forward to their wedding day. 

2. Many parents (at least, Asian parents) believe that weddings are extremely significant events in their children's lives and that one cannot hold back on ensuring that the event has to hold enough weight in terms of how it is done. 

And I think the 2 factors have been a struggle for me as a person (aka bride) because firstly, I am the antithesis of the girl who dreams of her wedding day (believe me, I hardly envisioned anything about my own wedding). And secondly, I had hoped that my wedding could have been kept much simpler because it is not about the event but the relationship(s) - the familial, marital relationships and friendships. To me, I still do not know why how the event is done has to be so important. 

So, to have gone through having to organize an event for so many people (some of whom we do not really know), to ensure that things look good enough, to have had to wear 2 heavy gowns and all that (unnecessary) make up, to have to go through ceremonial processes that honestly have no meaning in this day and age, to be the "celebrities" of the day when we are not the types who would like the limelight etc was really a tiring and burdensome process. 

You can only imagine how grateful I now feel that the wedding preparations and wedding are over. The feeling is even better than having finished sitting for a major examination. Because at least I feel that preparing and sitting for examinations has a greater purpose of helping us grow in our thinking, knowledge and eventually getting a proper job and being a useful member of society. In contrast, preparing for a wedding doesn't have a greater purpose that compares to amount of work that had to be done.  

It would have been a lot more fun and liberating if I could wear a much lighter dress, with lighter make up, lesser ceremonial things to do, with fewer guests so that we could enjoy the relationships and conversations more and soak in the reality that we are married and reflect on our marriage itself. To be honest, the day was more about ensuring everything went smoothly and looked good, rather than having time and energy to just be with friends and people who matter. 

In conclusion, at the end of the day, I realized that weddings aren't for the couple. Yes, they aren't for us. Weddings are mainly for our parents and family who somehow hold on to a different value system as us. They believe that weddings have to be made to look significant as a reflection of how important a marriage is. I guess we have to learn to respect that too, as much as it still baffles me till today. Even if I don't feel like it, I'm still learning to learn to respect our differences and struggle through some issues that were triggered during the wedding preparations too. 

So yes, and YAY! It is over and finished!!!

NO MORE:

- guest lists

- decorations

- heavy gowns and make up

- having to be at the centre of attention

- ceremonial procedures 

- coordination and catering

- managing expectations of how, who, what, where, when *faints*

I hope and pray that myself and my husband will be able to build our marriage properly. And I hope to grow to learn to put his needs as important. And hope that we can also grow deeper in our relationship with Christ.