Weighted

Really feel quite burdened today both personally and also as a social service professional. Sometimes one really feels quite helpless and at a loss whenever we think we have done what we could and people are still in their same chronic situations as they have been in for a long time. Sometimes you feel like you are just waiting for the next crisis to happen and there is nothing you can really do about it except to be there to pick up the pieces when it happens.

This kind of experience is very unsettling, scary and depressing really.

I don't know if some of this is due to my unrealistic expectations of myself and my clients. It's hard to deal with messiness and things that are not within our control, or that can never really be within our control in the first place.

Or maybe this is due to the belief and vision of what things ought to be in a peaceful and just society. And there's nothing wrong with wanting to work towards justice and peace. But there's just too much injustice and deep seated issues sometimes, maybe it is too heavy a burden for one person to carry also.

Perhaps some of this is also because of my own insecurities as a social service professional. Sometimes I wonder whether to some of my clients, I am but helpline for them that they turn to for help only when they need help and to fulfill only what they perceive is what they need. I wonder whether we really do have a working relationship to begin with for any change to really happen.

Maybe change is something too scary for most of us so by default it is tough to want to change. Maybe it is also true that in this world there will always be injustice and crises and they are things we may need to be in the midst of even as we try really hard to ensure justice and peace.

So, I hope that I can really cast these burdens to Him and humble myself before Him in the midst of these uncertainties and fears, even as they still exist within me and in my clients' lives. That at the right time, He will protect and show mercy in our imperfections and brokenness.