Crossroads? or trials?

Feeling like I'm either in a trial or coming to a crossroad.
Work has been tough; I didn't expect work to be so difficult.
Simply put, I didn't intend to sign up for this nature of work.
It has been tough in the past, but not this tough, and not to this intensity and of this nature.

I feel quite confused.

I'm not sure whether I should persevere in this trial, or realize that perhaps this trial is an indicator that I am at a crossroad to decide whether I want to continue to pursue this nature of work or perhaps specialize in something else.

Does God want me to stay here where I am at even though it is uncomfortable and honestly quite tiring and unsatisfying at times? or is He pointing me to another direction, that perhaps I should really consider changing my nature of job that is a better fit?

I do not know whether this is just a difficult phase in my profession, or is it that I have come to realize, after a few years in the field that perhaps doing this nature of work in the long term is not something I would want to do (projecting what I would be doing in the future too if I were to continue).

I don't want to quit or leave just because things are bad or not ideal now. But I also don't want to think I should stay in the long term if this job is really not something that I see enough meaning and purpose in doing.

I still enjoy parts of the job - the counseling parts in particular, but not really some other aspects of the job. But then again, who really enjoys everything about their jobs? Is having a job just for personal satisfaction, others'/society's benefit - how do we reconcile both?

Maybe I'll just need to press on first, and not give up, even though it is harder than I had imagined and wanted this to be. Maybe I just need to give it another shot and see how things go. Maybe this is a phase God has allowed me to go through for His purpose even though I honestly do not see how it is part of a bigger picture.... yet.

My ex-history teacher used to tell us to "press on" when we were going through difficult periods in school. I've always remembered that attitude and how that attitude carried us through the really tough times.

Maybe for now, let's just press on and be thankful. Even the midst of the trials, we can still be a blessing by His grace. Praying for wisdom, grace and guidance.

Feeling discouraged

Feeling pretty discouraged that I have been struggling with a particular relatively new skill at work. As one gets more experienced in the field, sometimes it feels harder not to feel guilty about not knowing something well enough. Sometimes I think I put too much pressure on myself to quickly grow and improve. This is largely because I have a dream - to be a good counsellor and trainer.

Sometimes the dream seems near, but other times it also seems far away, I keep asking myself how come I didn't pick up something fast enough, I wasn't able to respond appropriately and quickly enough, I couldn't think on the spot quick enough to resolve the issues at hand. I do doubt myself at times, in certain situations.

Well, this song helped cheer me up - maybe some might think it is frivolous, because it is too idealistic or movie-like. But I like how the song talks about how life can have many obstacles, and it is because of these obstacles that makes our dreams sweeter than fiction.

I don't know whether I'll achieve my dream, but I want and would like to believe that the challenges and struggles along the way are part of the molding process for me to be the counsellor and trainer that I seek to be. And even if the dream doesn't turn out what I may hope for, I also want to see the process of getting there a fruitful one.

You know that I'll be there time and again
'Cause I loved you when, when you
Hit the ground, hit the ground, hit the ground, oh oh
Only sound, only sound that you heard was "No"
Now in this perfect weather
It's like we don't remember
The rain we thought would last forever and ever (forever)

There you'll stand, ten feet tall
I will say, "I knew it all along."
Your eyes–wider than distance
This life–sweeter than fiction  - Taylor Swift

Great session

Had a good session of processing with a client about losses and pain. It is certainly not easy for a man of the older generation to be vulnerable to someone of my age and gender. It's really a breakthrough a shift.

I feel satisfied and glad when people I meet with feel safe during a session- when they experience someone being able to hold some of their pain and help them to grieve over their losses. These are the moments when we talk about the real  underlying issues and struggles, something that the government's key performance indexes would never really be able to capture when measuring success with our clients in the social service field.

Thankful for such a privilege, really. It is an honor to know someone for who they really are (at least partly). It will then be a start of change and working with the real issues, if they are willing.

Good experiences

Thankful for an experience today where someone asked me how I was, someone whom I felt was genuine about it. It really means a lot to me.

Being the one taking initiative (most of the time) to build relationships at work, or even in natural settings, it's just refreshing and heartening for me to experience people take the initiative to connect with me and to know me. 

I cherish these little seemingly insignificant moments, that actually mean a lot to me.


Also had quite a good time with my care group at church today; I mean, at the very least, I feel quite safe with them. Really thankful for their acceptance of me, even though I'm like the only female member (unofficially) there. And I like how it's a mutually supportive group, rather than group mainly directed by the leader or where there is a pattern where only some individuals reach out to others. The group is also one where members are self motivated to go because members see the value in meeting together, rather than as a chore or an obligation to tick off our list of being a Christian at the end of each week. Really like the culture of the group thus far.

Life is not always ideal, but I think I also want to hold on to these blessings along the way and be thankful.

Excitement

So excited... just had a supervision with a very experienced and amazing consultant for work. Thank God for people like her that make us feel safe yet is sharp to point out what is pertinent and able to process a case with me.

I look forward to the next supervision session. I feel so privileged.

I feel like screaming and jumping up and down because I'm so excited to learn from her and gain so much insights from her about the case.

I think I really want to go more into counseling, it really excites me a whole lot.

A compliment and shift from a client

In the midst of craziness of work, I think it is really a breath of fresh air to hear a client share about how (s)he has become more whole through our counseling sessions and has gained a greater self identity and competency. Thankful for days like this- it is for days like this that keep us going.

And I suppose  I will keep praying as to whether I want to stay in the social service field, or to do more counseling related work.  For now, and based on my job satisfaction level and type of progress with clients, I think I'll be praying for God to open doors for me to do more counseling work, if it is His will.

Good friends

Thankful for good friends who have stood by me these past weeks that have been tough - crisis cases and certification assignments and courses to attend to on a day to day basis. It's been crazy; just when you think things couldn't get crazier, they do.

As a people-helper reaching out to others most of the time, it is rare that you get help, that you sometimes need actually. Sometimes this makes me feel lonely in my struggles, and begs the question of who would be safe enough to be vulnerable to and also able to hold my pain. Something that I'm still contending with and processing through.

Nevertheless, God certainly gives us grace in our time of need. He does provide people (my good friends) along the way to help in one way or another. Trust in our secure base and our Creator, who truly knows us and loves us.

Praying.

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