This Christmas has been less "happening" than usual. By less "happening" I mean, there's much less fanfare and "high" happy moments of gift exchanges and all. But I'm thankful for 3 things that resonate with me this Christmas:
1. I got to spend Christmas playing in a band with my fellow comrades in church
It's encouraging to know that we are in this together, serving in God's ministry. The childhood friends I've grown up with in church, have not left the faith and we're still fighting side by side together. That's something to really be thankful for, really- That by God's divine grace and mercy, we're still in this battle. We didn't just inherit the faith from our parents naturally because faith is a gift from God and we're born of the Spirit, not by natural descent.
The point is not about the glamour of being in a band, although, I do enjoy playing in a band and making music. The point is not about being good enough, because my keyboard playing is still not up to a good standard. The point is not about having the best music talents. But it spurs me on to know that my fellow comrades are still fighting this battle with me. Indeed, one soul saved is enough for heaven to rejoice, and perhaps, for me to rejoice as well.
It's such a high calling, and I feel so unworthy everytime I look at myself serving God and His people. Sometimes I wonder why I'm even here. Haha. But I suppose, it's really by God's grace and mercy through Christ that makes my life worth living and make this new life and purpose possible.
2. I'm thankful that my ex-school classmates were able to join me for Christmas service with my church family
I'm thankful for the friendships that have lasted even after school days and we're all in different vocations. I'm thankful for these friendships and people in my life. And I'm also thankful that they could come today to hear the Christmas story, which is the most important story of all. My prayer for them, and myself is that the Christmas story will resonate and become alive in their hearts, and in their lives. That Jesus will become more and more of a reality. I'm also glad they could get to know my wonderful church family.
3. I got to spend Christmas with my own family who've come to know Jesus one by one
As I browsed through the old wedding pictures when I was at my cousins' place for Christmas celebration, I realised that they were not believers when they got married many years ago. But yesterday, they hosted our extended family's Christmas dinner and led our family to pray. I held my aunt's hand and prayed with her for the first time as a sister in Christ. Sometimes these things just blow my mind. I'm joyful that we can pray together as a family and remember one another.
This Christmas for me, is about relationships. Relationships do matter most to all of us. This Christmas, I'm honoured to be able to spend it with my closest friends, comrades, family and knowing that we can have a relationship with God because of Jesus.
I look forward to the day when we will be kings and queens together with Jesus as the King of Kings. That will be the most wonderful and joyous day ever.
For now,
I want to continue to have the time of my life fighting dragons with my fellow comrades. And I don't wanna give up doing that.
“Safe?”.... Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.- The Lion, the witch and the wardrobe
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Friday, December 21, 2012
Favourite speaker and author
Will share some of the good stuff if I do stumble upon any. :)
Thursday, December 20, 2012
only Hope.
This letter really challenged me to remember the only Hope there is. Sometimes we look to other things in the world to give us hope, meaning, purpose and solutions to life. Studying the social sciences doesn't help in this aspect but sometimes I tend to believe that human wisdom is enough.
Clearly, it isn't. And we've failed terribly.
A letter written by Ravi Zacharias:
"Dear Friend,
The tragedy that shook Newtown, Connecticut, and indeed the entire nation, defies analysis. What must have gone on in the mind of this young man for him to walk into a school of little children and wreak such devastating carnage numbs the soul. At the same time this was happening, I was under the surgeon’s blade for minor surgery. When I left the recovery room and returned home, among the first pieces of news on my phone was the news of this mass killing. Something within me hoped that I was still not clear-headed, but I knew deep inside that I was reading an unfolding story of horror and tragedy. What does one say? What is even appropriate without violating somebody’s sacred space and their right to scream in protest? I am a father and a grandfather. I simply cannot fathom the unbearable weight within a parent’s or grandparent’s heart at such a personal loss. It has often been said that the loss of a child is the heaviest loss to bear. I have no doubt that those parents and grandparents must wonder if this is real or simply a terrifying nightmare. My heart and my prayers are for them and, indeed, for the family of the assassin. How his father will navigate through this will be a lifelong journey.
When a mass-killer like this ends by taking his own life, there is an even deeper sense of loss. Everyone wants to know, “Why?” Not that the answer would soften the blow but it would at least give some clue, some release to speak, to hear, to try to work through. But all we are left with is twenty-eight funerals and lifelong grief. To all of those who have suffered such loss, may the Lord carry you in His strength and bear you in your grief. You will be in our thoughts and prayers.
My own attempt at saying something here is feeble but carries a hope that somebody listening will make this world a better place. My heart goes back to Angola Prison in Baton Rouge where I met such people whose savagery took them to that destination. It was interesting to see a Bible in every cell and to hear many talk of how it had become their only means of life and hope. Someone with me said, “If we had more Bibles in our schools maybe we would need less of them here.” To the skeptic and the despiser of belief in God, I know what they will respond. I am quite convinced that the one who argues against this ends up playing God and is ultimately unable to defend any absolutes. Hate is the opposite of love and while one breathes death, the other breathes life. That is what we need to be addressing here. The seeds of hate sooner or later bear fruit in murder and destruction. Killers are not born in a moment. Deep beneath brews thinking and the animus that in a moment is uncorked. We are living in a society that nurtures hate on many sides with the result that lawlessness triumphs.
Even in ideal settings, killing can take place. Murder began in the first family when a brother could not stand the success of his sibling. The entire history of the Middle East–five millennia–is a tale of two brothers. Centuries of killing has not settled the score. Maybe in Adam Lanza’s case we will find a deep psychological reason behind what he did. But that does not diminish the reality that there lurks many a killer whose moment will come and the nation will be brought to tears again. We can almost be certain of that. Yes, we can discuss all the symptomatic issues—security, gun control, early detection signs, and so on. These are all worthy of discussion. But it’s always easier to deal with the symptoms rather than with the cause.
I wish to share what I think we must address or we head down the slope to a precipitous edge of brutality. The fiscal cliff is tame by comparison to the moral devastation ahead if we do not recognize the malady for what it is. Hate is the precursor to murder. Jesus made that very clear. Playing God is the dangerous second step where we feel we are the ultimate judge of all things and that we have the right to level the score.
Here, I would like to address our political leaders and media elite: You may personally have the moral strength to restrict your ideas to mere words but many who listen to you do not. To take the most sacred privilege of democracy and transform it into the language of aggression plays right into the hands of hate-mongers. This is not the language of a civil society or of wise leadership. It is not the ethos of a culture of co-existence. It is not the verbal coinage with which we can spend our way into the future. Our political rhetoric is fraught with division, hate, blame, and verbal murder. Our young are listening. Remember that what you win them with is what you win them to.
As for the entertainment world, what does one even say at a time like this? Calling for gun control and then entertaining the masses with bloodshed is only shifting the locus from law to entertainment. Do our entertainers ever pause to ask what debased values emerge from their stories? The death of decency is audible and visible in what passes as movie entertainment and political speech. This is the same culture that wishes to take away Nativity scenes and Christmas carols from our children. God is evicted from our culture and then He is blamed for our carnages. America is lost on the high seas of time, without chart or compass. The storms that await us will sink this nation beyond recognition if we do not awaken to the rapid repudiation of the values that shaped this nation. The handwriting is on the wall. Freedom is not just destroyed by its retraction. It is destroyed even more painfully by its abuse.
There is one more thing. It is so obvious but is seldom ever addressed. All these recent mass murders have been done by men. Many of them young men, yes, even mere boys. Jonesboro, Columbine, Virginia Tech, now Newtown. Is there something within our culture that doesn’t know how to raise strength with dignity and respect? Is this how boys are meant to be? From bloodletting in hockey games while thousands cheer to savagery in school shootings while thousands weep, we must ask ourselves what has gone wrong with us men? Where are the role models in the home? Is knocking somebody down the only test left for strength? Is there no demonstration now of kindness, gentleness, courtesy, and respect for our fellow human beings? One young man on death row in Angola Prison told me that he started his carnage as a teenager. Now in his thirties with the end of the road in sight, he reached his hand out to me and asked me to pray with him. Life was lost at the altar of power and strength.
The Bible only speaks of one remedy for this: the transformation of the heart by making Christ the center. Those who mock the simplicity of the remedy have made evil more complex and unexplainable. Every heart has the potential for murder. Every heart needs a redeemer. That is the message of Christmas. The world took that child and crucified Him. But by his triumph over death He brings life to our dead souls and begins the transformation within. Unto us a child is born and He shall save us from our sins.
Before the first murder was committed, the Lord said to Cain, “If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at the door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.” To gain mastery over sin there is only one way. Just as Victoria Soto put herself in the way so that the children in her class might live, Jesus Christ put himself in the way that we all might live. That is the beginning of the cure for us as individuals and as a nation. All the laws in the world will never change the heart. Only God is big enough for that. "
Clearly, it isn't. And we've failed terribly.
A letter written by Ravi Zacharias:
"Dear Friend,
The tragedy that shook Newtown, Connecticut, and indeed the entire nation, defies analysis. What must have gone on in the mind of this young man for him to walk into a school of little children and wreak such devastating carnage numbs the soul. At the same time this was happening, I was under the surgeon’s blade for minor surgery. When I left the recovery room and returned home, among the first pieces of news on my phone was the news of this mass killing. Something within me hoped that I was still not clear-headed, but I knew deep inside that I was reading an unfolding story of horror and tragedy. What does one say? What is even appropriate without violating somebody’s sacred space and their right to scream in protest? I am a father and a grandfather. I simply cannot fathom the unbearable weight within a parent’s or grandparent’s heart at such a personal loss. It has often been said that the loss of a child is the heaviest loss to bear. I have no doubt that those parents and grandparents must wonder if this is real or simply a terrifying nightmare. My heart and my prayers are for them and, indeed, for the family of the assassin. How his father will navigate through this will be a lifelong journey.
When a mass-killer like this ends by taking his own life, there is an even deeper sense of loss. Everyone wants to know, “Why?” Not that the answer would soften the blow but it would at least give some clue, some release to speak, to hear, to try to work through. But all we are left with is twenty-eight funerals and lifelong grief. To all of those who have suffered such loss, may the Lord carry you in His strength and bear you in your grief. You will be in our thoughts and prayers.
My own attempt at saying something here is feeble but carries a hope that somebody listening will make this world a better place. My heart goes back to Angola Prison in Baton Rouge where I met such people whose savagery took them to that destination. It was interesting to see a Bible in every cell and to hear many talk of how it had become their only means of life and hope. Someone with me said, “If we had more Bibles in our schools maybe we would need less of them here.” To the skeptic and the despiser of belief in God, I know what they will respond. I am quite convinced that the one who argues against this ends up playing God and is ultimately unable to defend any absolutes. Hate is the opposite of love and while one breathes death, the other breathes life. That is what we need to be addressing here. The seeds of hate sooner or later bear fruit in murder and destruction. Killers are not born in a moment. Deep beneath brews thinking and the animus that in a moment is uncorked. We are living in a society that nurtures hate on many sides with the result that lawlessness triumphs.
Even in ideal settings, killing can take place. Murder began in the first family when a brother could not stand the success of his sibling. The entire history of the Middle East–five millennia–is a tale of two brothers. Centuries of killing has not settled the score. Maybe in Adam Lanza’s case we will find a deep psychological reason behind what he did. But that does not diminish the reality that there lurks many a killer whose moment will come and the nation will be brought to tears again. We can almost be certain of that. Yes, we can discuss all the symptomatic issues—security, gun control, early detection signs, and so on. These are all worthy of discussion. But it’s always easier to deal with the symptoms rather than with the cause.
I wish to share what I think we must address or we head down the slope to a precipitous edge of brutality. The fiscal cliff is tame by comparison to the moral devastation ahead if we do not recognize the malady for what it is. Hate is the precursor to murder. Jesus made that very clear. Playing God is the dangerous second step where we feel we are the ultimate judge of all things and that we have the right to level the score.
Here, I would like to address our political leaders and media elite: You may personally have the moral strength to restrict your ideas to mere words but many who listen to you do not. To take the most sacred privilege of democracy and transform it into the language of aggression plays right into the hands of hate-mongers. This is not the language of a civil society or of wise leadership. It is not the ethos of a culture of co-existence. It is not the verbal coinage with which we can spend our way into the future. Our political rhetoric is fraught with division, hate, blame, and verbal murder. Our young are listening. Remember that what you win them with is what you win them to.
As for the entertainment world, what does one even say at a time like this? Calling for gun control and then entertaining the masses with bloodshed is only shifting the locus from law to entertainment. Do our entertainers ever pause to ask what debased values emerge from their stories? The death of decency is audible and visible in what passes as movie entertainment and political speech. This is the same culture that wishes to take away Nativity scenes and Christmas carols from our children. God is evicted from our culture and then He is blamed for our carnages. America is lost on the high seas of time, without chart or compass. The storms that await us will sink this nation beyond recognition if we do not awaken to the rapid repudiation of the values that shaped this nation. The handwriting is on the wall. Freedom is not just destroyed by its retraction. It is destroyed even more painfully by its abuse.
There is one more thing. It is so obvious but is seldom ever addressed. All these recent mass murders have been done by men. Many of them young men, yes, even mere boys. Jonesboro, Columbine, Virginia Tech, now Newtown. Is there something within our culture that doesn’t know how to raise strength with dignity and respect? Is this how boys are meant to be? From bloodletting in hockey games while thousands cheer to savagery in school shootings while thousands weep, we must ask ourselves what has gone wrong with us men? Where are the role models in the home? Is knocking somebody down the only test left for strength? Is there no demonstration now of kindness, gentleness, courtesy, and respect for our fellow human beings? One young man on death row in Angola Prison told me that he started his carnage as a teenager. Now in his thirties with the end of the road in sight, he reached his hand out to me and asked me to pray with him. Life was lost at the altar of power and strength.
The Bible only speaks of one remedy for this: the transformation of the heart by making Christ the center. Those who mock the simplicity of the remedy have made evil more complex and unexplainable. Every heart has the potential for murder. Every heart needs a redeemer. That is the message of Christmas. The world took that child and crucified Him. But by his triumph over death He brings life to our dead souls and begins the transformation within. Unto us a child is born and He shall save us from our sins.
Before the first murder was committed, the Lord said to Cain, “If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at the door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.” To gain mastery over sin there is only one way. Just as Victoria Soto put herself in the way so that the children in her class might live, Jesus Christ put himself in the way that we all might live. That is the beginning of the cure for us as individuals and as a nation. All the laws in the world will never change the heart. Only God is big enough for that. "
Monday, December 10, 2012
Is there a place for the C-M-I people to serve in leadership positions?
I am not one of those natural leaders.
And honestly, I'd rather be led than lead.. unless the leader really Cannot Make It BIG TIME or if there is no other available leader. Coordinating people and exciting people are my greatest weaknesses, which is also why I don't really respond to many forms of publicity, or gimmicks that well. I don't have a lot of interests and not many things/people excite me. If left to my own, I would rather just.. be with people who matter to me, read, blog, write...and chill.
And I'm not happening or exciting. Sometimes I think that I am a boring person. I like reading boring stuff, doing boring things. and I like serious stuff. I'm a naturally boring and serious person. to play with the youths and connect with them, takes me right out of my comfort zone. It does get slightly easier over the years though, and there are definitely times that I do enjoy playing with them.
My main service in church is to lead small groups of youth in Bible study, and to fellowship with one another. Many times, I wonder why God would use me to lead people as a youth facilitator when I'm not ANY of what it means to be a successful leader. Like, why me, when I am not good enough based on my personality, my abilities? And why me, when I don't feel that I am spiritually and morally good enough and emotionally available enough at this point in time? Why me, when I am not loving enough?
Honestly, I don't even know what is good enough. But I just know that I am not because I see a lot that is lacking in myself in many aspects. I really cannot-make-it (CMI).
As I ponder, I don't really fully know the answers. but I think there are certain truths I would want to continue to hold on in this period of discouragement and doubt:
1. My approval from God is based on Jesus' work on the cross, and not mine
Just as God chose to save me when I really cannot-make-it more than big time, it should not be surprising that God does not choose people to serve Him based on their abilities, personalities or any other attributes.
no matter how good I am as a person to serve in church cannot help me gain any more approval from God than what Christ has already done for me.
2. I can trust God with everything because He is in charge of ministry, including the things I can do, and the things that I can't
I don't need to be worried when I fail or that my personal weaknesses would get in the way of ministry, because God is still fully in control of all things and in Him all things hold together.
Ultimately, it is not what I can do, but what God can do. Not about my glory, but His.
3. I can trust that God has placed me in where I am for a purpose, and be a good steward of all that He has given me
If God places me to serve where I am, He will be faithful in helping me through everything that is ahead. I just need to be faithful, and God's grace is sufficient for me.
4. He uses trials to change me more into His likeness
In difficult times like this, as His child, I know God is not a sadistic parent who just wants me to go through suffering with no purpose. But if His chief aim is to change me to be more like Him, then I can be assured that ill be more like Him through this process, uncomfortable as it is.
Jesus Himself was not without suffering. in fact, He was familiar with suffering. He suffered because He focused on a goal that is worth suffering for - that all of us will have the hope of being re-created in the image of God. It is not surprising then when God can use suffering to make me more like Him.
So can CMI people serve in such leadership positions?
I suppose we can, as long as we have Christ in our lives, as our Lord and Saviour.
And honestly, I'd rather be led than lead.. unless the leader really Cannot Make It BIG TIME or if there is no other available leader. Coordinating people and exciting people are my greatest weaknesses, which is also why I don't really respond to many forms of publicity, or gimmicks that well. I don't have a lot of interests and not many things/people excite me. If left to my own, I would rather just.. be with people who matter to me, read, blog, write...and chill.
And I'm not happening or exciting. Sometimes I think that I am a boring person. I like reading boring stuff, doing boring things. and I like serious stuff. I'm a naturally boring and serious person. to play with the youths and connect with them, takes me right out of my comfort zone. It does get slightly easier over the years though, and there are definitely times that I do enjoy playing with them.
My main service in church is to lead small groups of youth in Bible study, and to fellowship with one another. Many times, I wonder why God would use me to lead people as a youth facilitator when I'm not ANY of what it means to be a successful leader. Like, why me, when I am not good enough based on my personality, my abilities? And why me, when I don't feel that I am spiritually and morally good enough and emotionally available enough at this point in time? Why me, when I am not loving enough?
Honestly, I don't even know what is good enough. But I just know that I am not because I see a lot that is lacking in myself in many aspects. I really cannot-make-it (CMI).
As I ponder, I don't really fully know the answers. but I think there are certain truths I would want to continue to hold on in this period of discouragement and doubt:
1. My approval from God is based on Jesus' work on the cross, and not mine
Just as God chose to save me when I really cannot-make-it more than big time, it should not be surprising that God does not choose people to serve Him based on their abilities, personalities or any other attributes.
no matter how good I am as a person to serve in church cannot help me gain any more approval from God than what Christ has already done for me.
2. I can trust God with everything because He is in charge of ministry, including the things I can do, and the things that I can't
I don't need to be worried when I fail or that my personal weaknesses would get in the way of ministry, because God is still fully in control of all things and in Him all things hold together.
Ultimately, it is not what I can do, but what God can do. Not about my glory, but His.
3. I can trust that God has placed me in where I am for a purpose, and be a good steward of all that He has given me
If God places me to serve where I am, He will be faithful in helping me through everything that is ahead. I just need to be faithful, and God's grace is sufficient for me.
4. He uses trials to change me more into His likeness
In difficult times like this, as His child, I know God is not a sadistic parent who just wants me to go through suffering with no purpose. But if His chief aim is to change me to be more like Him, then I can be assured that ill be more like Him through this process, uncomfortable as it is.
Jesus Himself was not without suffering. in fact, He was familiar with suffering. He suffered because He focused on a goal that is worth suffering for - that all of us will have the hope of being re-created in the image of God. It is not surprising then when God can use suffering to make me more like Him.
So can CMI people serve in such leadership positions?
I suppose we can, as long as we have Christ in our lives, as our Lord and Saviour.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Wonderful experience
I am going to have change in supervisor, again. It's not so much the change that makes me sad, but I'm sad because my supervisor has left.
My supervisor is really awesome and there are a lot of qualities in her that I admire. Even though it has only been some months that she's been my supervisor, but it's been such a wonderful and joyful experience to have a supervisor like her.
I admire her joy in uncomfortable and difficult times. I honestly do not know where she gets the joy from, maybe, it is from trusting in God. She has shown to me that it is possible to be joyful and cool about things, even though circumstances can be scary, anxiety inducing, uncertain and uncomfortable. I see this trait being demonstrated through how she is still joyful and level-headed every time whenever I ask her about my difficult cases, even though she may be sick, not feeling well, very busy, encountering her own difficult clients and situations. She will be emotionally available and attends to me. :) I hope to develop this same attitude as her, and if I ever become a supervisor (which is something that I do aspire to be), I hope to treat my supervisees with the same kind of attitude as well.
Whenever she is around in the office, regardless of whether I have the need to ask her about my cases, I feel happy just knowing she is around. It's really awesome just knowing a person like that.
I thank God for giving me the opportunity to know someone like her. And I thank God for how He has been working in her life. And I pray that God will continue to be the secure Person for her.
My supervisor is really awesome and there are a lot of qualities in her that I admire. Even though it has only been some months that she's been my supervisor, but it's been such a wonderful and joyful experience to have a supervisor like her.
I admire her joy in uncomfortable and difficult times. I honestly do not know where she gets the joy from, maybe, it is from trusting in God. She has shown to me that it is possible to be joyful and cool about things, even though circumstances can be scary, anxiety inducing, uncertain and uncomfortable. I see this trait being demonstrated through how she is still joyful and level-headed every time whenever I ask her about my difficult cases, even though she may be sick, not feeling well, very busy, encountering her own difficult clients and situations. She will be emotionally available and attends to me. :) I hope to develop this same attitude as her, and if I ever become a supervisor (which is something that I do aspire to be), I hope to treat my supervisees with the same kind of attitude as well.
Whenever she is around in the office, regardless of whether I have the need to ask her about my cases, I feel happy just knowing she is around. It's really awesome just knowing a person like that.
I thank God for giving me the opportunity to know someone like her. And I thank God for how He has been working in her life. And I pray that God will continue to be the secure Person for her.
Friday, November 23, 2012
I want to
Recently I've been reflecting on Christianity and my life. I
used to think that having a religion, a set of beliefs and values is what it
means to be a Christian. But I realize that this is a very inaccurate
understanding of the Christian faith.
The past few weeks have been better than others. I've been reading the Bible, I've been emotionally attending to my clients at work, I've been thinking more about my faith, my sins. I've been able to see the importance of fellowship more . Of course, this is on top of doing the usual Christian stuff like going to church, attending Bible studies, conducting Bible studies etc. But I realize that more and more, I'm doing these things because I want to, not because I need to, or have to.
The past few weeks have been better than others. I've been reading the Bible, I've been emotionally attending to my clients at work, I've been thinking more about my faith, my sins. I've been able to see the importance of fellowship more . Of course, this is on top of doing the usual Christian stuff like going to church, attending Bible studies, conducting Bible studies etc. But I realize that more and more, I'm doing these things because I want to, not because I need to, or have to.
For too long, I've been believing that I have to be a good
Christian so that I can get the approval of others and get approval of myself.
I read the Bible, go to church, go for Bible studies etc because I have to,
because I need to keep having the approval of the people around me. Having such
a mindset makes my faith dead. It reduces Scripture to a mere set of rules, and
at best, a guide book to life and making sure I don't go to hell. But Scripture
is much more than that. God is far greater than that.
I notice that one can do the same Christian things, but with
very different motivations. I still do the same things now, nothing seems
different on the outside. But there is a key difference on the inside, that is,
whether one does these things out of fear, or out of love. The difference is
whether faith is something engineered by pushing ourselves to look like we are
bearing fruit (meaning, having Godly characteristics) or whether we choose to
remain in Christ instead. It's not about our works, but a relationship. And
such a relationship is really our heart's desire. We all desire for
relationships, lasting relationships, true love relationships.
I was reading an
article on Relevant magazine, and this excerpt really resonated with me:
"The forgiveness of sins is not extended so that mankind can become moral, it is extended so that mankind can enter into a union with God. We then attempt to live more purely not to be an impressive citizen, but to surrender ourselves to God, that we might notice and have the courage to respond to the prompting of God's spirit in us, and live out a faith expressed in love. This is true freedom"
"The forgiveness of sins is not extended so that mankind can become moral, it is extended so that mankind can enter into a union with God. We then attempt to live more purely not to be an impressive citizen, but to surrender ourselves to God, that we might notice and have the courage to respond to the prompting of God's spirit in us, and live out a faith expressed in love. This is true freedom"
I want to bear fruit, but it is not from the outside in. It
is from the inside out. It is from having a close relationship with Christ and
loving God.
Christ said, "
Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me." John 15:4
We experience true freedom when we can truly say, I serve God, know God, obey God because I want to, not because I have to. And we will only want to seek God first when we are convicted by God and begin to appreciate how good and how great He is. As long as we do not experience and know the goodness of God and who He is, we will always feel that we are good enough and great enough, and we can live our lives on our own. When we are self sufficient, we will not love God because we are our own gods.
Perhaps, this is why Scripture begins with, "in the beginning, God".
How can we reflect who God is, when we don’t know who He is and how good He is?
Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me." John 15:4
We experience true freedom when we can truly say, I serve God, know God, obey God because I want to, not because I have to. And we will only want to seek God first when we are convicted by God and begin to appreciate how good and how great He is. As long as we do not experience and know the goodness of God and who He is, we will always feel that we are good enough and great enough, and we can live our lives on our own. When we are self sufficient, we will not love God because we are our own gods.
Perhaps, this is why Scripture begins with, "in the beginning, God".
How can we reflect who God is, when we don’t know who He is and how good He is?
Sunday, November 11, 2012
our story
.JPG)
I'm so excited!
I have decided to create a mini scrap booklet capturing the most significant moments/people in my life since 2005 - when I started to want to know God.
This picture shows the first 2 pages of my booklet. The rest shall remain confidential and only for significant people to see. It will contain pictures, words, and even random things that represent the various turning points in my life.
The purpose of this project is for me to:
1) Reflect on how God has been good in my life. When I mean, good, I don't mean just the "good" events, but also during the really difficult times I've been through.
2) Reflect on who I am as a person and where I've been
Hopefully as I look back, I will be able to see God at work each step of the way. It's to make meaning of the significant events and turning points. It's to appreciate the significant people in my life too.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Redeeming
Wow, just came back from an awesome session of marriage prep. :)
I feel so blessed to be having marriage prep with this couple from our church family. I was really blessed and touched in ways that I did not expect. My heart sings and is moved.
It was really encouraging to hear them share about how God has brought them through the years of marriage and transformed them through difficult times. It's most encouraging to hear that they are imperfect people, from imperfect backgrounds, redeemed by the grace and intervention of God.
I often ask myself: what hope do I have, or do we have to build a marriage? I'm often disheartened by the other marriages that I see around me. I'm often disheartened when I think about where I came from and who I am as a person. When I look to myself, I see no hope, at the most, it's bleak. Even if I do hope at times, I don't really know where that hope comes from, it's just...hoping that things will somehow turn out fine.
But today I heard another story. I heard a story of God's redemption in their lives. Maybe I've heard that before in the gospel. But today I heard a real life testimony of God's redemption in this couple's life. Their marriage didn't start off perfect, or even close. They also seemed quite blur, especially at the start. They also fought. They also had inter-familial issues. They also had their own shortcomings and weaknesses. But God is at work still. Through turn of events, through prayer and through complementing one another, they grew and changed. And I suppose, they are still growing and changing.
I feel like there is hope now you know. I feel like there is hope in imperfection. And that through imperfection and difficulties, God is still at work, even though we may not see it happening yet. We don't have to know-it-all and be "perfect" to be a blessing. Ultimately, it is God's story (in our lives) that will really bless and encourage.
I feel so blessed to be having marriage prep with this couple from our church family. I was really blessed and touched in ways that I did not expect. My heart sings and is moved.
It was really encouraging to hear them share about how God has brought them through the years of marriage and transformed them through difficult times. It's most encouraging to hear that they are imperfect people, from imperfect backgrounds, redeemed by the grace and intervention of God.
I often ask myself: what hope do I have, or do we have to build a marriage? I'm often disheartened by the other marriages that I see around me. I'm often disheartened when I think about where I came from and who I am as a person. When I look to myself, I see no hope, at the most, it's bleak. Even if I do hope at times, I don't really know where that hope comes from, it's just...hoping that things will somehow turn out fine.
But today I heard another story. I heard a story of God's redemption in their lives. Maybe I've heard that before in the gospel. But today I heard a real life testimony of God's redemption in this couple's life. Their marriage didn't start off perfect, or even close. They also seemed quite blur, especially at the start. They also fought. They also had inter-familial issues. They also had their own shortcomings and weaknesses. But God is at work still. Through turn of events, through prayer and through complementing one another, they grew and changed. And I suppose, they are still growing and changing.
I feel like there is hope now you know. I feel like there is hope in imperfection. And that through imperfection and difficulties, God is still at work, even though we may not see it happening yet. We don't have to know-it-all and be "perfect" to be a blessing. Ultimately, it is God's story (in our lives) that will really bless and encourage.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
some feelings of late
Work has and hasn't been better. I've somewhat gotten out of a crisis that my client was in. And I'm thankful for how God has seen us through.
But more cases coming in lately. It's going to be quite a struggle to have to manage my heavy workload of cases. Thankful it hasn't reached the point of insanity...yet.
I feel angry and helpless and fearful. I need to come to terms with these feelings and the fact that: the needs are plentiful, but the workers are few. Maybe there are times we have to really live with the fact that we can't help everyone, especially with these limitations and high workload. There are some things we have to let go of, and have compassion on ourselves, not feeling guilty if we can't be 100% present for every case.
Sigh. I just wanna sigh.
Need to continue to trust God with everything, and still work the best that I can.
But more cases coming in lately. It's going to be quite a struggle to have to manage my heavy workload of cases. Thankful it hasn't reached the point of insanity...yet.
I feel angry and helpless and fearful. I need to come to terms with these feelings and the fact that: the needs are plentiful, but the workers are few. Maybe there are times we have to really live with the fact that we can't help everyone, especially with these limitations and high workload. There are some things we have to let go of, and have compassion on ourselves, not feeling guilty if we can't be 100% present for every case.
Sigh. I just wanna sigh.
Need to continue to trust God with everything, and still work the best that I can.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
God establishes
The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps. Proverbs 16:9
I am still pretty much in awe of what has happened. when I see a certain person's life, having been part of it and yet having a third person's perspective, I really can testify for how God has provided and been gracious to this person. this person has many of the traits of someone who would be marginalized in society, because society favors certain groups of people who adhere to certain social norms and structures. Yet, God has sustained and provided for this person, in the midst of a society where many policies would not be in favor of this person.
I have been part of this person's life for a period of time and even though it is not the kind of life that is most ideal, but I see God's hand in it, providing each step of the way, at each juncture, when we are almost losing hope. I see how God is also using me as His grace to this person, even though this person may not see it at this point in time. I am humbled most, when I feel that things are not in control, knowing that God is in control. I am humbled most, when I can make all the plans I want for this person to help this person, but ultimately God directs his life and his steps.
lessons like this should be recorded down. lessons like this have to be remembered. experiences like this will shape the way I press on in this journey for the marginalized in society.
I am still pretty much in awe of what has happened. when I see a certain person's life, having been part of it and yet having a third person's perspective, I really can testify for how God has provided and been gracious to this person. this person has many of the traits of someone who would be marginalized in society, because society favors certain groups of people who adhere to certain social norms and structures. Yet, God has sustained and provided for this person, in the midst of a society where many policies would not be in favor of this person.
I have been part of this person's life for a period of time and even though it is not the kind of life that is most ideal, but I see God's hand in it, providing each step of the way, at each juncture, when we are almost losing hope. I see how God is also using me as His grace to this person, even though this person may not see it at this point in time. I am humbled most, when I feel that things are not in control, knowing that God is in control. I am humbled most, when I can make all the plans I want for this person to help this person, but ultimately God directs his life and his steps.
lessons like this should be recorded down. lessons like this have to be remembered. experiences like this will shape the way I press on in this journey for the marginalized in society.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Lessons to ponder about faith
I've been handling a number of crisis cases at work in social service. Crisis cases = cases that require intensive and "asap" follow up because basic needs severely lacking. It's been a tough journey, and honestly I don't know how long this will end because they have somewhat become part and parcel of my work. There are days when I get depressed and feel helpless for my clients, there have been days when I really felt the weight of my client's lives on my shoulders. There are days when I wish these days would stop (for my own sanity), but I don't think they will, because we live in a broken world. And as long as I will continue at where I've been placed, I don't think I will have the chance to stop handling these cases.
However, I've been pondering about how I could see and make sense of all that I've been confronted with.
2 things I feel have been helpful along this journey of having to handle crisis cases:
1. Trust God for every circumstance, no matter how bad it is or I think it will get
- I tend to worry and get anxious over the slightest things, especially things that shape how I see myself as a person. Sometimes in the midst of crisis cases, I will think that I need to ensure that my clients' crises are solved. I feel that if I don't do well enough or if I can't do well enough, it is my fault and I start blaming myself and feeling bad about myself as a person. But the problem with this is that this reflects an unbelieving heart that does not trust that God is sovereign. The problem is that I make myself to be the saviour, and the one in control; This is pride.
2. Give my best so that God will get the glory
- while I trust God for every circumstance that He handles all things, yet faith also means to trust that He has a purpose for placing me where I am and to put my heart and hands in whoever/whatever He has graciously entrusted me with, so that He will get the glory and praise. Faith also means to trust that His spirit will continue to work in my heart and in my life, to give me grace and strength for each circumstance, and to mold me more into His likeness. And so I work hard because of His good plan and His work in my life.
I think I am finally able to see a bit of how faith works out. I used to think that faith is somewhat passive. Like, I thought that having faith means that we just leave it to God and we can chill and do less, or do nothing. Or faith means to just pray and claim on God's promises. I think I had trouble understanding what it means to leave things to God and I felt uncomfortable with that. Sure, there are many things not within our control that we surrender to God and know that God will work things out in His good time. But I realise that "surrendering" does not always mean passivity, but it is also an active surrendering. One could actively do something and it certainly is surrendering to God.
With this mindset, I think this helps me frame how I approach my work a bit better. Trust God with all my heart, and work for the Lord with all my heart too. I hope this attitude will also help me frame how I live out the other areas in my life as well. It can be a very uncomfortable and painful journey as my own sins are being unraveled as I reflect more. But nonetheless, I would want to believe that grace is sufficient.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Attachment
According to Attachment Theory course trainer, the triune God can be an attachment figure. When I heard that, I was so excited and encouraged. Many of life's experiences are so close to the Judeo-Christian worldview.
I really like Attachment Theory. So far, it appears to be closest to the J-C worldview.
1. It presupposes that there is threat and vulnerability on Earth. --> The world is an imperfect world.
2. It shows that problems arise when attachment figures are not secure or cannot provide the safety in threat and vulnerability --> Relationships have been broken since the fall
3. It shows that secure attachment figures are needed for healing --> Relationships are broken, but we all need close attachment relationships; we are created as relational beings, reflecting the very nature of our Creator being a relational, triune God.
4. It shows that secure attachment figures may not always be perfect ones --> There is a perfect attachment figure who's perfect in love within the Trinity
I'm encouraged to want to trust the triune God. Want to find safety and security in an unchanging and perfect heavenly Father.
"O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in--behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. " Psalm 139:1-10
I really like Attachment Theory. So far, it appears to be closest to the J-C worldview.
1. It presupposes that there is threat and vulnerability on Earth. --> The world is an imperfect world.
2. It shows that problems arise when attachment figures are not secure or cannot provide the safety in threat and vulnerability --> Relationships have been broken since the fall
3. It shows that secure attachment figures are needed for healing --> Relationships are broken, but we all need close attachment relationships; we are created as relational beings, reflecting the very nature of our Creator being a relational, triune God.
4. It shows that secure attachment figures may not always be perfect ones --> There is a perfect attachment figure who's perfect in love within the Trinity
I'm encouraged to want to trust the triune God. Want to find safety and security in an unchanging and perfect heavenly Father.
"O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in--behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. " Psalm 139:1-10
Friday, September 21, 2012
Paradox of power and cross
Been doing more reflection than usual. The usual is almost no reflection! I've been so busy and caught up with the many commitments that I have. For some time I've been feeling quite depressed and slightly burnt out.
It really makes a difference to just spend some time, just a little time doing reflection and thinking through Scripture. I'm finally doing it not out of a sense of duty or a sense that people say is good for me, but because of a relationship. I find that nowadays, when I read Scripture, I am more connected to this relationship and the more I read, the more I want to engage in this relationship. It provides comfort and stability.
I'm discovering one of the coolest truths.
"But he said to me 'my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness'" (2 Cor 12:9)
I've come across this verse many times. But I realise something more about this verse today. I realise that the greatest evidence for God's power made perfect in weakness is at the cross of Christ. God's power is shown through Jesus' most humiliating and painful moments when He took our sin and shame and He overcame our sin and our shame through raising from the dead.
I'm the kind of person who can't really deal with negative emotions, and I really hate myself sometimes because I am so emotional. And I can't handle negative emotion, particularly anger, depression and fear. Sometimes I feel the shame when I experience these emotions and I feel vulnerable when I am experiencing or confronting them. I don't like the real me. I don't like it when I have to experience such emotions from the people around me too, especially when they are really intense.
When I think of 2 Cor 12:9, I realise that I don't have to be ashamed of who I am and I don't have to be so fearful because God's power is sufficient for all that I hate in myself. He died for my sin and my shame and He is working through my sin and my shame. It isn't even a promise that hasn't been fulfilled, it is already seen through His power at the cross.
God's power at the cross is paradoxical. And I'm comforted that it is as such.
I have been undergoing training on Bowlby's Attachment theory. It is suppose to be one of the most researched psychosocial theories around. It basically is about how all of us human beings need to be connected to a stable attachment figure and this attachment figure is most crucial at points of vulnerability and threat. It presupposes that there is vulnerability and threat in this world and there will be. We hate it, we don't like it, but there will be stressors, grief, pain, fear, depression etc.
The more I think about it, the more I am thankful that God avails Himself as our secure attachment figure. He wouldn't dismiss, feel anxious or be conflicting in treating us when at points of vulnerability and threat. He has shown that He has sent Jesus to deal with mankind's greatest vulnerability and threat and we have His presence with us to overcome these difficult, very difficult experiences that we feel, even sometimes on a daily basis.
Apostle Paul closes 2 Corinthians with these "May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all". God can be my secure attachment figure. I find that wonderful and comforting really.
But the difference in God being our secure attachment figure and another human being being an attachment figure is, that I do not need to only turn to Him only in difficult times, but at all times too. Nevertheless, I am glad and thankful that He will be there at the most difficult times; hope to grow in conviction of this truth.
It really makes a difference to just spend some time, just a little time doing reflection and thinking through Scripture. I'm finally doing it not out of a sense of duty or a sense that people say is good for me, but because of a relationship. I find that nowadays, when I read Scripture, I am more connected to this relationship and the more I read, the more I want to engage in this relationship. It provides comfort and stability.
I'm discovering one of the coolest truths.
"But he said to me 'my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness'" (2 Cor 12:9)
I've come across this verse many times. But I realise something more about this verse today. I realise that the greatest evidence for God's power made perfect in weakness is at the cross of Christ. God's power is shown through Jesus' most humiliating and painful moments when He took our sin and shame and He overcame our sin and our shame through raising from the dead.
I'm the kind of person who can't really deal with negative emotions, and I really hate myself sometimes because I am so emotional. And I can't handle negative emotion, particularly anger, depression and fear. Sometimes I feel the shame when I experience these emotions and I feel vulnerable when I am experiencing or confronting them. I don't like the real me. I don't like it when I have to experience such emotions from the people around me too, especially when they are really intense.
When I think of 2 Cor 12:9, I realise that I don't have to be ashamed of who I am and I don't have to be so fearful because God's power is sufficient for all that I hate in myself. He died for my sin and my shame and He is working through my sin and my shame. It isn't even a promise that hasn't been fulfilled, it is already seen through His power at the cross.
God's power at the cross is paradoxical. And I'm comforted that it is as such.
I have been undergoing training on Bowlby's Attachment theory. It is suppose to be one of the most researched psychosocial theories around. It basically is about how all of us human beings need to be connected to a stable attachment figure and this attachment figure is most crucial at points of vulnerability and threat. It presupposes that there is vulnerability and threat in this world and there will be. We hate it, we don't like it, but there will be stressors, grief, pain, fear, depression etc.
The more I think about it, the more I am thankful that God avails Himself as our secure attachment figure. He wouldn't dismiss, feel anxious or be conflicting in treating us when at points of vulnerability and threat. He has shown that He has sent Jesus to deal with mankind's greatest vulnerability and threat and we have His presence with us to overcome these difficult, very difficult experiences that we feel, even sometimes on a daily basis.
Apostle Paul closes 2 Corinthians with these "May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all". God can be my secure attachment figure. I find that wonderful and comforting really.
But the difference in God being our secure attachment figure and another human being being an attachment figure is, that I do not need to only turn to Him only in difficult times, but at all times too. Nevertheless, I am glad and thankful that He will be there at the most difficult times; hope to grow in conviction of this truth.
Monday, September 3, 2012
The day I appreciate technological advancements
FINALLY! The day has arrived!
I got an iphone 4s and it's awesome!
I can finally be in touch with the news on the way to work without having to keep flipping papers!
I can watch youtube videos when I feel like it.
I can access the web and Bible gateway when I prepare Bible study.
I can do devotion on the train with the online Bible!
I can play scramble with friends!
I can whatsapp and spam it because it's free!
I can take nice photos!
It's been such a terribly long wait!
I'm glad it's finally here.
I got an iphone 4s and it's awesome!
I can finally be in touch with the news on the way to work without having to keep flipping papers!
I can watch youtube videos when I feel like it.
I can access the web and Bible gateway when I prepare Bible study.
I can do devotion on the train with the online Bible!
I can play scramble with friends!
I can whatsapp and spam it because it's free!
I can take nice photos!
It's been such a terribly long wait!
I'm glad it's finally here.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Marriage Prep
Marriage prep has just started for me and my boyfriend. Even though marriage is something to be looked forward to, somehow it's still scary and uncomfortable. Maybe it's partly because I'm afraid that my own beliefs and values will be challenged. Maybe it's also because I've seen how devastating marriages can be - the hurt, the bitterness, the constant power struggle. It's already exhausting, even as third person trying hard to counsel these couples or just by observing them. I see how marriages that have been left to "take their own course" having a serious negative impact on the couple and on those around them.
I remember I had a teacher who used to say that marriage is hard work. And now I can much better appreciate why he said so. And now I admire him for saying so, because it does show that he sees the value and importance of putting effort to make his marriage work and to protect it. It does inspire me to want to do the same.
I'm glad that we're having marriage prep. After all, it is a transition in life. And as with all transitions, it does help to have some people alongside us to support us through it. I do hope that through the process of preparation, our eyes, minds and hearts will be enlightened and convicted of some important truths from Scripture. And I may be idealistic, but somehow, I do hope that marriage will be a process for us to love one another even more, and to love God more too.
When I was 16, I was taking my English Oral examination and the question for the conversation section was, "What do you think is the most important ingredient in marriage?" I was stumped of course. It's the first time I was thinking about marriage. The answer I gave was "love".
Now, I still come to the same conclusion, but for different reasons and with a different definition of love. When I was 16, I think I was just "smoking" and trying to give a socially acceptable, nice and what I thought was a non-debatable answer. And, I wanted my distinction (which I got, thankfully!). Now, I think love means doing what is best for the other person. Love (for God, or for the other person) is the greatest power to overcome sin, the greatest motivation to make marriage work.
I do hope to learn to love. I feel that I am so lacking in love. I've found that it's much easier to be legalistic than loving. Because legalism gives you pride and puffs you up, but love gives the honour to the other.
I remember I had a teacher who used to say that marriage is hard work. And now I can much better appreciate why he said so. And now I admire him for saying so, because it does show that he sees the value and importance of putting effort to make his marriage work and to protect it. It does inspire me to want to do the same.
I'm glad that we're having marriage prep. After all, it is a transition in life. And as with all transitions, it does help to have some people alongside us to support us through it. I do hope that through the process of preparation, our eyes, minds and hearts will be enlightened and convicted of some important truths from Scripture. And I may be idealistic, but somehow, I do hope that marriage will be a process for us to love one another even more, and to love God more too.
When I was 16, I was taking my English Oral examination and the question for the conversation section was, "What do you think is the most important ingredient in marriage?" I was stumped of course. It's the first time I was thinking about marriage. The answer I gave was "love".
Now, I still come to the same conclusion, but for different reasons and with a different definition of love. When I was 16, I think I was just "smoking" and trying to give a socially acceptable, nice and what I thought was a non-debatable answer. And, I wanted my distinction (which I got, thankfully!). Now, I think love means doing what is best for the other person. Love (for God, or for the other person) is the greatest power to overcome sin, the greatest motivation to make marriage work.
I do hope to learn to love. I feel that I am so lacking in love. I've found that it's much easier to be legalistic than loving. Because legalism gives you pride and puffs you up, but love gives the honour to the other.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
There must be more than this.
It's been tiring.
I'm not sure why I've been feeling pretty "sian" and "lifeless" these few weeks.
Maybe it's the nature of work/things that I've been doing.
I don't know.
Just feeling pretty bored, and strangely feeling bored is a tiring feeling.
I feel slightly more depressed slightly more often.
I thought I could survive with the mundane, I thought I wasn't such an adventurous person.
But it turns out otherwise.
I really don't like doing mundane things.
Need to find satisfaction that's beyond the mundane, or maybe while doing what's mundane.
Need to cultivate a heart of thankfulness and gratefulness too.
Need to stretch myself to do beyond the mundane too.
There must be more than this.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Greatest sin, Most Amazing Grace
They say that as a teenager, one goes through a lot of changes to know who you are, to want to fit in.
I find that talking to people older than me can be intimidating. I always feel like I'm not brainy enough, not mature enough, not knowledgeable enough. It takes a lot of mental and emotional energy for me to keep up with adult conversations. It's somewhat like taking a step out of my comfort zone. I do what I can to connect with adults, but I sometimes still feel like I'm different, like I'm a step lower than them in life.
Recently I just had a dinner with 2 older couples, that I went together with my boyfriend. Before the dinner, that similar sense of discomfort and stress came upon me. I was quite afraid that I couldn't match up with adult conversations again. Like, what if I have nothing much to contribute, what if I can't connect with them? I was quite disturbed by this sense of discomfort that I told myself that I needed to do something about it. I can't always be feeling intimidated by such events.
I reflected on this discomfort and this stress. I realise that part of the stress came from the fact that I believe that I have to prove myself to myself and to others that I'm good enough. And perhaps believing that people will only accept me based on whether I'm good enough. I don't even know what good enough means, but I guess it's like, being good enough to socialize and actively engage in conversations.
I further reflected that proving myself has always been a theme in my life. It's just not as apparent when I am able to prove myself. It's more obvious when I can't. Perhaps in the past, I could meet my own standards and now I feel like I can't at times.
Then I realised the greatest irony in my life and in my faith: For me, the hardest truth to accept is the truth that I'm accepted by God purely by grace because of what Jesus has done for me. I preach it, teach it, but I don't live by it most of the time.
I don't live my life by grace. I still live my life primarily by setting standards for myself and for others. If I meet these standards, I accept myself and if I don't, I beat myself up (figuratively). I'm constantly feeling like I'm not good enough and I strive so hard to meet up to my standards or society's standards. That's why I can be a perfectionist at times and I am so diligent at times. Perfectionist and diligent people aren't always the ones doing it right. So don't compliment diligence and perfectionism without understanding the motivations behind them. And if I can't meet those standards, I get anxious, depressed and if the standards are just too high, I run away and withdraw.
My greatest sin is that I've rejected God's gift of grace and salvation, and I've rejected the truth that I am not good enough because I'm always striving to prove that I am. I make myself to be my own Saviour and my own Lord. A lot of my insecurities, discomfort, stress are merely symptoms of this greatest sin. But the truth is that I'm fully accepted and dearly loved by God because of Jesus' Person and His work.
And so, before the dinner, I figured that I no longer need to prove myself. I felt a huge burden off my chest. It turned out to be quite a nice dinner and nice fellowship. Of course, I'm not saying that there wouldn't be any discomfort. Because of age differences and different life stages, there will definitely be that sense of uneasiness at points in time. But it wouldn't bother me as much anymore, because I'm accepted and I don't need to prove myself anymore. Even if others don't accept me and think I'm lousy, I don't think I am. What matters is the value and worth I have in God, that I believe in that value and worth, and I live knowing that I have value and worth. In this I find true liberation, to live as we were meant to live.
It's still going to be struggle to face my greatest sin and to live knowing that I'm fully accepted and loved because of Jesus. But I'm thankful that I figured this part about me. I can start repenting, and start living by faith.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Disconnected
Ever since starting work and taking up more responsibilities, I feel a sense of disconnection with my friends, particularly those whom I was closer to during school days (they're working too). I feel pretty unsettled at the state of things. I told myself that I wanted to continue to keep in contact with these good friends that I have even after working, but it's been pretty tough.
Should I cut down on my other commitments so that I have more free time and opportunities to meet friends? Am I being too hard on myself, too unrealistic? Is this just a phase in life that most people go through when they start working?
I wish it wasn't.
I really don't know. Life isn't the same again when you start working. I love my job, and even sometimes the challenges that come with it. But I feel quite upset that friendships are harder to maintain and there's so much less time to just chill, hang out and have fun with the people I used to spend time with. Even if we do hang out now, it'll be over dinner, lunch or tea. Not that it's not good, just miss the times we can just spend more extended times together. :(
Should I cut down on my other commitments so that I have more free time and opportunities to meet friends? Am I being too hard on myself, too unrealistic? Is this just a phase in life that most people go through when they start working?
I wish it wasn't.
I really don't know. Life isn't the same again when you start working. I love my job, and even sometimes the challenges that come with it. But I feel quite upset that friendships are harder to maintain and there's so much less time to just chill, hang out and have fun with the people I used to spend time with. Even if we do hang out now, it'll be over dinner, lunch or tea. Not that it's not good, just miss the times we can just spend more extended times together. :(
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Growing Pains and Unresolved Business
Recently, I've been thinking about life, and I have concluded that life as an adult is tough. I'm not saying that there is no joy and happiness at all, but there will be struggle, pain and uncertainty at different points in time. Being an adult is a lot harder than being a child or a teenager, and I do feel the pain of growing up (literally and spiritually).
As a child or teenager, you don't have to think much about the future. You just do as you please and your parents (or caregivers) plan the next few years of your life for you. Maybe a child or teenager has much less autonomy than an adult, but it's not like I cared that much about autonomy when I was a child or teenager anyway. My parents did give me sufficient freedom and I was happy with that. If I could stay as a child, and never grow up, it may not be such a bad thing. But as an adult now, one has to start planning. They say that we should live as if today will be our last but plan for the rest our lives to serve God. There is need to plan to save money, plan roughly what I'll be doing for the next few years, think about how what I'm doing now will affect the next few years, prioritize my commitments and responsibilities, make sure I don't burn out along the way. So many considerations! I wouldn't say that the process is not enjoyable at all, but I feel stretched to grow.
In addition, I feel the seemingly conflicting message from Scripture to be a steward of everything I have yet to trust God with everything that I have. On one hand, you want to plan and work hard in all you do but on the other, you trust in God's plans for you. Maybe it's tough because I work and plan for the wrong motivations at times. So for me, the greater challenge is to trust God with all that I have: the past, the present and the future. Believe me, I face the difficulty of trusting God each day when I pray about my concerns and worries about my life. I always pray that I will feel secure in my relationship with Him and that I will trust Him even though there is no resolution of the problems I have yet. Then of course, the lesser challenge is to know how to be a good steward of what I've been entrusted with.
As an adult, one is expected to be more responsible with what we do and what we say. Well, it certainly is not a bad thing to be responsible, but I do feel the social pressure to act and speak in certain more socially acceptable ways, especially in more "adult" settings. For instance, I will feel conscious of myself when I act or speak in a more child-like and silly manner, or when I don't really think before I speak and I just speak my mind. It's a constant challenge to speak and act in love for the other person, especially when the other person is so unlike you. I hope I am not the only person feeling this. As a child or teenager, most of your friends act and speak in similar ways, so it's easy to interact with them and be yourself. But as an adult, this somehow has changed because there's a bigger world out there that one has been placed in. You can't just "be yourself" anymore because there are others to take into consideration. It is the struggle and challenge of putting others first and yet be comfortable with who you are.
And of course, as I negotiate myself in life, there's the unresolved issues of the past that will affect who I am as a person and the choices that I make. I still feel the pain and hurt of the past. I shall not mention what it is here as it is too personal. But, perhaps, just perhaps, I would want to seek counsel and/or read books with regard to these issues because they're just too deep and I feel quite stuck. To some extent, I've been coping better with them, but I still feel that they've not been dealt with sufficiently, because I still feel broken.
Perhaps one of the greatest blessings of being a Christian, is to know that I am a child of God, regardless of my ability to plan for the future yet trust God for it, my ability to be responsible and my unresolved issues. It's a relationship that's entirely given by grace and not based who I am or what I do. I can always be a child in God's eyes. :)
Furthermore, it brings me comfort to know (even though I may not feel this way all the time), that in uncertainty, God holds my future in His hands and works for my good, as any normal and capable parent would want the best for his/her child. In pain, God provides comfort through His Word and through the church family. In struggles, God promises to walk alongside me, and to give grace each step of the way to start living as I was meant to live.
As a child or teenager, you don't have to think much about the future. You just do as you please and your parents (or caregivers) plan the next few years of your life for you. Maybe a child or teenager has much less autonomy than an adult, but it's not like I cared that much about autonomy when I was a child or teenager anyway. My parents did give me sufficient freedom and I was happy with that. If I could stay as a child, and never grow up, it may not be such a bad thing. But as an adult now, one has to start planning. They say that we should live as if today will be our last but plan for the rest our lives to serve God. There is need to plan to save money, plan roughly what I'll be doing for the next few years, think about how what I'm doing now will affect the next few years, prioritize my commitments and responsibilities, make sure I don't burn out along the way. So many considerations! I wouldn't say that the process is not enjoyable at all, but I feel stretched to grow.
In addition, I feel the seemingly conflicting message from Scripture to be a steward of everything I have yet to trust God with everything that I have. On one hand, you want to plan and work hard in all you do but on the other, you trust in God's plans for you. Maybe it's tough because I work and plan for the wrong motivations at times. So for me, the greater challenge is to trust God with all that I have: the past, the present and the future. Believe me, I face the difficulty of trusting God each day when I pray about my concerns and worries about my life. I always pray that I will feel secure in my relationship with Him and that I will trust Him even though there is no resolution of the problems I have yet. Then of course, the lesser challenge is to know how to be a good steward of what I've been entrusted with.
As an adult, one is expected to be more responsible with what we do and what we say. Well, it certainly is not a bad thing to be responsible, but I do feel the social pressure to act and speak in certain more socially acceptable ways, especially in more "adult" settings. For instance, I will feel conscious of myself when I act or speak in a more child-like and silly manner, or when I don't really think before I speak and I just speak my mind. It's a constant challenge to speak and act in love for the other person, especially when the other person is so unlike you. I hope I am not the only person feeling this. As a child or teenager, most of your friends act and speak in similar ways, so it's easy to interact with them and be yourself. But as an adult, this somehow has changed because there's a bigger world out there that one has been placed in. You can't just "be yourself" anymore because there are others to take into consideration. It is the struggle and challenge of putting others first and yet be comfortable with who you are.
And of course, as I negotiate myself in life, there's the unresolved issues of the past that will affect who I am as a person and the choices that I make. I still feel the pain and hurt of the past. I shall not mention what it is here as it is too personal. But, perhaps, just perhaps, I would want to seek counsel and/or read books with regard to these issues because they're just too deep and I feel quite stuck. To some extent, I've been coping better with them, but I still feel that they've not been dealt with sufficiently, because I still feel broken.
Perhaps one of the greatest blessings of being a Christian, is to know that I am a child of God, regardless of my ability to plan for the future yet trust God for it, my ability to be responsible and my unresolved issues. It's a relationship that's entirely given by grace and not based who I am or what I do. I can always be a child in God's eyes. :)
Furthermore, it brings me comfort to know (even though I may not feel this way all the time), that in uncertainty, God holds my future in His hands and works for my good, as any normal and capable parent would want the best for his/her child. In pain, God provides comfort through His Word and through the church family. In struggles, God promises to walk alongside me, and to give grace each step of the way to start living as I was meant to live.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Singing with my guitar
I love singing and playing my guitar. Glad I bought it!
Cherish these moments when I can just be myself, sing what I want and however I want.
It's therapeutic and uplifting.
I can do this forever... I hope I can continue singing in heaven too. It'll be so awesome.
Cherish these moments when I can just be myself, sing what I want and however I want.
It's therapeutic and uplifting.
I can do this forever... I hope I can continue singing in heaven too. It'll be so awesome.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Dealing with clients' issues... and my own
I just had a supervision session and my supervisor and I talked about how to help children deal with grief. I have the opportunity to help some children to deal with grief over loss of their significant loved one(s).
Even though the session I had with the children that I presented was not intense and emotional, I found it hard to deal with my own feelings towards this issue. My supervisor asked me if I was overwhelmed by the work I had to do with the children to process grief. There definitely is a lot of hard but yet meaningful work involved. But I was more overwhelmed by the experience of grief and loss that the children may be feeling as I was discussing the issues to talk to the children about with my supervisor. I feel quite a great sense of loss and sadness that I can't really fully explain.
This is one of the slightly more rare moments when I get more "emo" when working with clients and I start really being more emotionally involved than I usually would. I don't know if it's a good thing. I guess it's fine as long as it doesn't cripple or prevent me from working with the them.
My hope is that they will see hope and that there really will be the presence of real hope in their lives. Perhaps it's the only real comfort that I can find. I hope that God will grant me the opportunity to talk about these issues with them.
Even though the session I had with the children that I presented was not intense and emotional, I found it hard to deal with my own feelings towards this issue. My supervisor asked me if I was overwhelmed by the work I had to do with the children to process grief. There definitely is a lot of hard but yet meaningful work involved. But I was more overwhelmed by the experience of grief and loss that the children may be feeling as I was discussing the issues to talk to the children about with my supervisor. I feel quite a great sense of loss and sadness that I can't really fully explain.
This is one of the slightly more rare moments when I get more "emo" when working with clients and I start really being more emotionally involved than I usually would. I don't know if it's a good thing. I guess it's fine as long as it doesn't cripple or prevent me from working with the them.
My hope is that they will see hope and that there really will be the presence of real hope in their lives. Perhaps it's the only real comfort that I can find. I hope that God will grant me the opportunity to talk about these issues with them.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
A date with a special girl and a memorable lesson
Today I had the privilege of spending some quality time with one of my youth girls, G. I marvel at the miracle that firstly, she had time to spend with me and secondly, that I had time to spend with her. In a fast paced modern society, such opportunities are rare indeed. How often can I get to intentionally meet a youth one-on-one to talk for 2 whole hours about some things that matter in her life? In addition, she's a great friend and younger sister. :)
After making a really awesome and cute-looking card for one of our sisters in church, we started talking about time management and it went seemingly off-topic to the question of why do we study?
I asked questions such as,
"why do we have to study?"
"as Christians, do we have to study? Is it wrong or okay to quit school if we don't find it relevant?"
"as Christians, why do we study?"
These are indeed very important questions, because at least half or one third of a youth's waking hours is spent in school. If school and education is indeed not useful for us as believers, then, why bother?
I shall not put her responses here as I respect confidentiality. Anyway, I went on to talk to her about how we need to have stewardship over the resources that God has given to us (the parable of the talents), the attitude of faithfulness and how we can have ambition so that we can influence the world: being salt and light when we are IN the world though we are not OF the world.
But, one thing that she said I find very encouraging is what she shared about what her father told her. If I were her, I would be very very touched.
He said, "I wouldn't want you to be cleaner. But if you are a cleaner, give your best to doing it well."
In society, I guess most parents would want their children to reach their potential as far as possible and that's natural, and a good thing. Yet, it's so moving to hear a parent saying those words. There is dignity in every occupation and in every human being, even though we have been conditioned to think otherwise.
If God gives you "one" talent, use it to your best ability and be faithful.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
the wonder of the here-and-now
Wow, this week's one crazy week!
1. I went to a theme park with close friends
2. I went kite flying till I got all sun-burnt with close younger friends
3. I played "ninja" for a friend-organized operation to cheer another friend up!
3. I will be going for an "operation" with colleagues to go nuts and live out our fantasy!
4. I will be going for a youth event which requires lots and lots of running and games
I am so not the kind of person to do so many fun activities in one setting. I'm the kind who, by default is more of a "chill" and introverted person. I feel slightly "off-balanced" because I work on one day, play the next, work on the following day, and play the next day. And I am tired!
Then I realised that I should appreciate days and weeks like these. Some things can only be done when you're young enough. And I am at the life-stage where I can still have the energy and time to have this kind of child-like fun with my friends as I have much liberty to do so. Once my friends all start getting married and have their own families, all we'll end up doing is meeting up for eating or movies (not that they're not good, but our moments spent will not be as crazy and it will never reach that "high").
I should treasure these moments!
Breathe it in and breathe it out
Listen to your heartbeat
There's a wonder in the here and now
it's right there in front of you
and I don't want you to miss
the miracle of the moment - Steven Curtis Chapman
1. I went to a theme park with close friends
2. I went kite flying till I got all sun-burnt with close younger friends
3. I played "ninja" for a friend-organized operation to cheer another friend up!
3. I will be going for an "operation" with colleagues to go nuts and live out our fantasy!
4. I will be going for a youth event which requires lots and lots of running and games
I am so not the kind of person to do so many fun activities in one setting. I'm the kind who, by default is more of a "chill" and introverted person. I feel slightly "off-balanced" because I work on one day, play the next, work on the following day, and play the next day. And I am tired!
Then I realised that I should appreciate days and weeks like these. Some things can only be done when you're young enough. And I am at the life-stage where I can still have the energy and time to have this kind of child-like fun with my friends as I have much liberty to do so. Once my friends all start getting married and have their own families, all we'll end up doing is meeting up for eating or movies (not that they're not good, but our moments spent will not be as crazy and it will never reach that "high").
I should treasure these moments!
Breathe it in and breathe it out
Listen to your heartbeat
There's a wonder in the here and now
it's right there in front of you
and I don't want you to miss
the miracle of the moment - Steven Curtis Chapman
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Tired and Time to recharge
Tired. Just tired from saving the world and having to get emotionally involved on a regular basis.
Need to recharge, my plan for the longer-than-usual weekend:
1. Play guitar and sing to feel-good songs
2. Scream my lungs out at a theme park
3. Hang out with people who matter to me
4. Listen to nice voices and good music (e.g. Jayesslee, Westlife, Taylor Swift)
5. Listen to the One who gives rest
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Saved the world
On a lighter and more encouraging note,
I (LITERALLY) SAVED THE WORLD TODAY!
Never liked the responsibility of "saving" people, and sometimes I shoulder a bit more of others' problems than I ought (I think!) But it's a great feeling and encouragement too, to know that what I do really benefits others.
Indeed, "a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" Proverbs 15:1. How apt for what happened today. I must remember this when working with people.
I feel a sense of pride and satisfaction :)) And I'm thankful that God gave me the opportunity to be of service to others.
I (LITERALLY) SAVED THE WORLD TODAY!
Never liked the responsibility of "saving" people, and sometimes I shoulder a bit more of others' problems than I ought (I think!) But it's a great feeling and encouragement too, to know that what I do really benefits others.
Indeed, "a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" Proverbs 15:1. How apt for what happened today. I must remember this when working with people.
I feel a sense of pride and satisfaction :)) And I'm thankful that God gave me the opportunity to be of service to others.
Emo Moments
It's in times when I feel insecure about the future and about myself that I find solace in music, particularly this song:
Who I have become in You
is grace beyond all measure
in the light of who You are
Who am I to be found here
Who I have become in You
is grace beyond all measure
raised to life and crowned with love
Jesus Yours forever
Majesty and Mercy
Meet me in this moment
How can it be that I have been chosen by the King?
There's no greater honour
There's no greater treasure
than to be known and loved by You
I am highly favoured
A child of grace I have become
adopted into favour
Now I sing Your Spirit's song
Crying "Abba Father"
One of my favourite worship songs. When I feel that there's little I can put my security in and I feel uncertain about what life will bring, I find assurance to know that I belong to Him and I have a heavenly Father who will never leave me, and loves me.
Who I have become in You
is grace beyond all measure
in the light of who You are
Who am I to be found here
Who I have become in You
is grace beyond all measure
raised to life and crowned with love
Jesus Yours forever
Majesty and Mercy
Meet me in this moment
How can it be that I have been chosen by the King?
There's no greater honour
There's no greater treasure
than to be known and loved by You
I am highly favoured
A child of grace I have become
adopted into favour
Now I sing Your Spirit's song
Crying "Abba Father"
One of my favourite worship songs. When I feel that there's little I can put my security in and I feel uncertain about what life will bring, I find assurance to know that I belong to Him and I have a heavenly Father who will never leave me, and loves me.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Insecurities
I wanna do a "taylor swift" and write a song about insecurities because my life is filled with them! I see myself being insecure about so many things. Each time it's a step of faith to trust and remember who I am and what I am worth. Since Taylor finds great solace and therapy in writing songs, maybe I should try it myself.
Will write when inspiration hits.This is exciting. Let's hope something comes up.
Will write when inspiration hits.This is exciting. Let's hope something comes up.
A next phase of life
I can't believe that I will be living on my own in the future. The thought of it is rather surreal and exciting at the same time. Today we just got our future home. I'm thankful we were pretty "chill" about it and that we could agree on what we wanted, since both of us are so very different people with different preferences. I'm also thankful that we have shelter. In my work, I meet many people who don't, so.. I realise it's no point being overly picky about details about the home, just hope that it'll be a conducive place for us and others to be rested and encouraged in our faith in God.
Most importantly, I'm happy that I'll be staying with my significant other in the future (by the time we get the flat, we'll be married). It's so fun. :)) There are a number of woes of being an adult, but being able to live on your own is probably one of more optimistic things about being an adult. I just feel this way at the moment.
YAY!
Now time for marriage preparation..
Most importantly, I'm happy that I'll be staying with my significant other in the future (by the time we get the flat, we'll be married). It's so fun. :)) There are a number of woes of being an adult, but being able to live on your own is probably one of more optimistic things about being an adult. I just feel this way at the moment.
YAY!
Now time for marriage preparation..
Friday, June 8, 2012
Urgh. The horrors of gaining weight.
I feel fat. :(
I've been gaining weight.
I know that I shouldn't be too bothered by my outer appearance.
But there are days like today when I really don't feel beautiful because of how I see myself on the outside.
Time to cut down on the carbs and resist temptation of eating too much good food.
But it's so hard.
Urgh.
And I'm too lazy to exercise.
Okay, I'll start with cutting own on my carbs and sweet stuff.
I've been gaining weight.
I know that I shouldn't be too bothered by my outer appearance.
But there are days like today when I really don't feel beautiful because of how I see myself on the outside.
Time to cut down on the carbs and resist temptation of eating too much good food.
But it's so hard.
Urgh.
And I'm too lazy to exercise.
Okay, I'll start with cutting own on my carbs and sweet stuff.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
This difficult thing called love
As a young adult, I have come to realise that truly loving someone is difficult. Believe it or not, I have never come to fully appreciate how difficult loving someone is until the recent years.
I have been brought up in a family where I always receive from my parents. I have never needed to share anything with anyone and my parents give me what I want most of the time. I do not usually feel the pressure to be on the giving end, in my relationship with my parents.
I have been blessed with friends who understand and are generally easy-going. It is rare that I quarrel or fight with my friends, even close ones. Furthermore, probably most of my close friends have become my close friends because we click. I don't feel that I need to give up or sacrifice much when I am with my friends.
It's easy to "love" someone when they do things your way, when they blend well with your personality. Well, let's just say I have been very sheltered and pampered over the years, by my friends and my family.
But it's often hard to love when there is conflict of personal interests, especially when 2 people are so often together and yet are so different. People say that opposites attract, and for the relationship that I am in, it is rather true to some extent. Apart from sharing the same faith and having very similar convictions, we have differing ways of thinking and different preferences. The prospect of staying together in the future and having to bear with one another's differences feels rather challenging because I have been so used to having things my way. So each step to love is a step of faith and God-given grace.
To truly love is so tough because love causes one to have to give up one's interest for the interest of the other. It will involve sacrifice. It will involve giving up some of my preferences and the inherent drive of usually wanting things to go my way. It will involve having to be secure in my identity in God because I believe it's not possible to love when one is insecure about him/herself.
Thank God that despite the struggles and countless quarrels we've had in our relationship, we're still pressing on to learn to love. I can't believe that it's only now, at this age, that I am beginning to see and learn to practise what true love entails.
I have been brought up in a family where I always receive from my parents. I have never needed to share anything with anyone and my parents give me what I want most of the time. I do not usually feel the pressure to be on the giving end, in my relationship with my parents.
I have been blessed with friends who understand and are generally easy-going. It is rare that I quarrel or fight with my friends, even close ones. Furthermore, probably most of my close friends have become my close friends because we click. I don't feel that I need to give up or sacrifice much when I am with my friends.
It's easy to "love" someone when they do things your way, when they blend well with your personality. Well, let's just say I have been very sheltered and pampered over the years, by my friends and my family.
But it's often hard to love when there is conflict of personal interests, especially when 2 people are so often together and yet are so different. People say that opposites attract, and for the relationship that I am in, it is rather true to some extent. Apart from sharing the same faith and having very similar convictions, we have differing ways of thinking and different preferences. The prospect of staying together in the future and having to bear with one another's differences feels rather challenging because I have been so used to having things my way. So each step to love is a step of faith and God-given grace.
To truly love is so tough because love causes one to have to give up one's interest for the interest of the other. It will involve sacrifice. It will involve giving up some of my preferences and the inherent drive of usually wanting things to go my way. It will involve having to be secure in my identity in God because I believe it's not possible to love when one is insecure about him/herself.
Thank God that despite the struggles and countless quarrels we've had in our relationship, we're still pressing on to learn to love. I can't believe that it's only now, at this age, that I am beginning to see and learn to practise what true love entails.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Church camp 2012
I just came back from the best church camp ever:
It was a good break from work. I did not need to be thinking about the time and any deadlines, which was a great relief to my mind.
It was a great opportunity to hang out with friends and the older folks from church. I'm encouraged that the older folks are enthusiastic about reading the Word and are still have the desire to grow in their faith. Church feels more like a family now because I got to interact with people of different generations. It was encouraging to be studying the Bible and having fellowship together. It was also refreshing to allow the older folks to lead in facilitating the group discussions and devotions. As a youth leader who's always the one having to lead, it was definitely a good and refreshing break for me to just be fed rather than to be always the one giving.
It was a good reminder of how I can bring Kingdom values in the way that I do social work. I was given quite a good perspective of how my Christian faith complements and shapes the social work that I do. There's more to just doing social work. I was really quite encouraged that what I do on a daily basis has great purpose and meaning. I was also challenged to reflect on how I have been seeing and treating my clients and to think of how Christ can be reflected in the way I do my work.
Great, this year's church camp was better than I expected, and for that, I am thankful. :)
It was a good break from work. I did not need to be thinking about the time and any deadlines, which was a great relief to my mind.
It was a great opportunity to hang out with friends and the older folks from church. I'm encouraged that the older folks are enthusiastic about reading the Word and are still have the desire to grow in their faith. Church feels more like a family now because I got to interact with people of different generations. It was encouraging to be studying the Bible and having fellowship together. It was also refreshing to allow the older folks to lead in facilitating the group discussions and devotions. As a youth leader who's always the one having to lead, it was definitely a good and refreshing break for me to just be fed rather than to be always the one giving.
It was a good reminder of how I can bring Kingdom values in the way that I do social work. I was given quite a good perspective of how my Christian faith complements and shapes the social work that I do. There's more to just doing social work. I was really quite encouraged that what I do on a daily basis has great purpose and meaning. I was also challenged to reflect on how I have been seeing and treating my clients and to think of how Christ can be reflected in the way I do my work.
Great, this year's church camp was better than I expected, and for that, I am thankful. :)
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Strength in gentleness
I've never thought much about the quality of gentleness. Some people have pointed out that I'm a gentle person, and I never thought it was really anything to be happy about. Sometimes I think of gentleness as being weak and lacking authority or decisiveness.
In my work with my clients in social service, I realise that one of the qualities that is important is gentleness. Not just because it helps me work better with them and build my relationship with them, but because it builds trust and it asserts great influence on the working relationship. If we remain humble and gentle, clients are likely to share more because they do not feel that they are being judged, as they have already been so often by the other people in their lives. It just doesn't help to have one more person judging them. When we're gentle with them, they are more open to our ideas because they start to trust that we are working for their best interest in mind.
Being harsh and judgemental will close the door, especially for those who are already hurting and have been through so much in their lives.
It is a journey for me, as someone in the social service, to withhold my judgement and to have compassion, because I have been given much much grace and mercy in my life. I shouldn't see my clients through the social standards of society, but rather, see them as much in need of grace as I do. Because ultimately, when all is stripped away, when money, appearance and successes are no longer a concern, we are all human. We have the same basic needs, the same need to be loved and to love, and the needs of finding purpose and meaning to our existence. We have all fallen too, though we experience the fall in different ways.
It's hard to cope with the many cases that I am taking. I admit that there have been days when I lack compassion for others, and passion for what I do. Cases remain as just cases. And they become only mundane and hard work.
But I hope that my heart will remain tender and I will be gentle with the people I am in contact with. And perhaps, it can only remain so, when I continually see how I have received much grace and realise the gentleness that I have been treated with. I hope that, just as Jesus provides the rest and grace for those who are weary and burdened, I will be able to provide that kind of experience for my clients, especially those who have yet to know Him. Maybe, when they have a different experience, they will come to seek the reason for my hope.
All these words that I type will remain as words, unless God's grace is continually at work in my life, to change me, to be more like Him. I need to press on.
In my work with my clients in social service, I realise that one of the qualities that is important is gentleness. Not just because it helps me work better with them and build my relationship with them, but because it builds trust and it asserts great influence on the working relationship. If we remain humble and gentle, clients are likely to share more because they do not feel that they are being judged, as they have already been so often by the other people in their lives. It just doesn't help to have one more person judging them. When we're gentle with them, they are more open to our ideas because they start to trust that we are working for their best interest in mind.
Being harsh and judgemental will close the door, especially for those who are already hurting and have been through so much in their lives.
It is a journey for me, as someone in the social service, to withhold my judgement and to have compassion, because I have been given much much grace and mercy in my life. I shouldn't see my clients through the social standards of society, but rather, see them as much in need of grace as I do. Because ultimately, when all is stripped away, when money, appearance and successes are no longer a concern, we are all human. We have the same basic needs, the same need to be loved and to love, and the needs of finding purpose and meaning to our existence. We have all fallen too, though we experience the fall in different ways.
It's hard to cope with the many cases that I am taking. I admit that there have been days when I lack compassion for others, and passion for what I do. Cases remain as just cases. And they become only mundane and hard work.
But I hope that my heart will remain tender and I will be gentle with the people I am in contact with. And perhaps, it can only remain so, when I continually see how I have received much grace and realise the gentleness that I have been treated with. I hope that, just as Jesus provides the rest and grace for those who are weary and burdened, I will be able to provide that kind of experience for my clients, especially those who have yet to know Him. Maybe, when they have a different experience, they will come to seek the reason for my hope.
All these words that I type will remain as words, unless God's grace is continually at work in my life, to change me, to be more like Him. I need to press on.
Awesome colleagues
I just received my birthday card from my colleagues. HAHA, yes, 2 months after my birthday.
As I was reading the birthday wishes, I can't help but to be thankful for them. They've brought out the best in me because they accept me for who I am. I don't know how they do that and I am quite sure it's not really a planned concerted effort. Maybe it's because we all belong to the same Body and peace has been paid for.
I'll always remember them and my time in my office will remain as one of the best periods (if not the best period) of my life. One of my colleagues said that he had so much fun that he'll tell his future grand children about the crazy times we had. Lol.
Who can ask for any better colleagues? :) Colleagues whom I can connect with when I am my fan-girl self, and colleagues whom I can interact with at a deeper level, discussing issues of the faith and ministry. Even going home with my colleagues can be such a fruitful and satisfying experience when we talk about our struggles, our successes, our thoughts and our crazy ideas.
My colleagues really rock. :) I will miss them when I'm overseas.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
A bus ride
Today I had an experience that I haven't had for a long time. I had to take a bus to work because of a change in some work commitments. It was the best bus ride. The bus wasn't crowded or smelly, the long route wasn't familiar and I was alone - Recipe for a therapeutic journey.
Looking out of the window, listening to Taylor Swift songs and not worrying about the day's responsibilities ahead was a good feeling. I just let my thoughts come and go.
My thoughts revolved around people:
I prayed for the sister who was going through a difficult time.
I thought about my parents and what I appreciated most about them, which was giving me the freedom that I needed to make decisions for my life. I realise that the freedom that they gave me was so liberating, because it allowed me to decide what I really wanted to do with my life, rather than what is socially desirable. The freedom they give to me is something I would want to learn from them whenever I am in the position of some sort of authority to speak into others' lives.
I thought about the friends I had in my life and was really thankful for the times they make me smile and laugh. I can't ask for better friends and brothers and sisters in Christ.
I listened to Taylor Swift songs and thought once again that she's such a brilliant song writer and that the world is a little better because of her. Girls would love her because her songs express how girls in general feel with regards to love and relationships.
I listened to my first favourite Christian song, "who am I" and I prayed for my youth girls that they would continually be convicted of who they are in God and would treasure the privilege and live out their conviction.
Thankful for such a great morning. Wish for more mornings like this.
Maybe I should really take a different route to work in future.
Looking out of the window, listening to Taylor Swift songs and not worrying about the day's responsibilities ahead was a good feeling. I just let my thoughts come and go.
My thoughts revolved around people:
I prayed for the sister who was going through a difficult time.
I thought about my parents and what I appreciated most about them, which was giving me the freedom that I needed to make decisions for my life. I realise that the freedom that they gave me was so liberating, because it allowed me to decide what I really wanted to do with my life, rather than what is socially desirable. The freedom they give to me is something I would want to learn from them whenever I am in the position of some sort of authority to speak into others' lives.
I thought about the friends I had in my life and was really thankful for the times they make me smile and laugh. I can't ask for better friends and brothers and sisters in Christ.
I listened to Taylor Swift songs and thought once again that she's such a brilliant song writer and that the world is a little better because of her. Girls would love her because her songs express how girls in general feel with regards to love and relationships.
I listened to my first favourite Christian song, "who am I" and I prayed for my youth girls that they would continually be convicted of who they are in God and would treasure the privilege and live out their conviction.
Thankful for such a great morning. Wish for more mornings like this.
Maybe I should really take a different route to work in future.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Feeling pain
As I was listening to a sharing about a sister-in-Christ who is struggling, needed prayer and was searching for answers to her questions because she's going through a really painful period in her life, I couldn't help but to feel sadness welling up in my heart. I felt so sad I wanted to cry for her.
These feelings are not foreign to me. Working in the social service, I experience these feelings at times when I hear my clients share about their painful experiences. Whenever I am in a counseling position, I sometimes feel like a duck. I may look calm and cool on the outside, but underneath I am working really hard to paddle to keep afloat, sometimes struggling with my own feelings and/or wondering what to say or ask next. Life can be so tough and it's usually the losses and the injustices that makes me angry and hurt for them. I've experienced these feelings to some extent in my own life too, and it's perhaps because I've experienced pain, discomfort and hurt before that I can better appreciate what others are going through.
I was reading the section on "Your disappointments matter" in The Grand Weaver by Ravi Zacharias which says:
Calvin Miller describes the way God answers such pleas for help in tough times: The sermon and the Spirit always work in combination to produce liberation. Sometimes the Spirit and sermon do supply direct answers to human need, but most often they answer indirectly. Most problems are not solved by listening to sermons. The sermon, no matter how sincere, cannot solve these unsolvable problems. So if the sermon is not a problem solver, where shall we go for solutions? Together with the Spirit, the sermon exists to point out that having answers is not essential to living. What is essential is the sense of God’s presence during dark seasons of questioning.. . . Our need for specific answers is dissolved in the greater issue of the lordship of Christ over all questions —those that have answers and those that don’t.
I hope that I will have heart that rests in the Lordship of Christ. It's what matters at the end of the day. In the end, He's the only hope there is. And I've realise as a believer, this is possible because we're being promised the Holy Spirit in our lives until He comes again. We're not on our own, no matter how lonely we may feel. So we have the grace, the strength and the courage to press on in our lives. There is great hope for those who are hurting, especially those who belong to Him.
And let Christ reign in my heart when I'm serving others who've yet to know Him.
These feelings are not foreign to me. Working in the social service, I experience these feelings at times when I hear my clients share about their painful experiences. Whenever I am in a counseling position, I sometimes feel like a duck. I may look calm and cool on the outside, but underneath I am working really hard to paddle to keep afloat, sometimes struggling with my own feelings and/or wondering what to say or ask next. Life can be so tough and it's usually the losses and the injustices that makes me angry and hurt for them. I've experienced these feelings to some extent in my own life too, and it's perhaps because I've experienced pain, discomfort and hurt before that I can better appreciate what others are going through.
I was reading the section on "Your disappointments matter" in The Grand Weaver by Ravi Zacharias which says:
Calvin Miller describes the way God answers such pleas for help in tough times: The sermon and the Spirit always work in combination to produce liberation. Sometimes the Spirit and sermon do supply direct answers to human need, but most often they answer indirectly. Most problems are not solved by listening to sermons. The sermon, no matter how sincere, cannot solve these unsolvable problems. So if the sermon is not a problem solver, where shall we go for solutions? Together with the Spirit, the sermon exists to point out that having answers is not essential to living. What is essential is the sense of God’s presence during dark seasons of questioning.. . . Our need for specific answers is dissolved in the greater issue of the lordship of Christ over all questions —those that have answers and those that don’t.
I hope that I will have heart that rests in the Lordship of Christ. It's what matters at the end of the day. In the end, He's the only hope there is. And I've realise as a believer, this is possible because we're being promised the Holy Spirit in our lives until He comes again. We're not on our own, no matter how lonely we may feel. So we have the grace, the strength and the courage to press on in our lives. There is great hope for those who are hurting, especially those who belong to Him.
And let Christ reign in my heart when I'm serving others who've yet to know Him.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Changes and uncertainty
I don't like changes and uncertainty. Unfortunately my life has been like that pretty much these few months. My personality is such that I need some stability, at least for a period of time. It's been really challenging for me to deal with all the changes that I have little control over.
But I have to be prepared, if life will be as such.
But I have to be prepared, if life will be as such.
Friday, May 18, 2012
news
I got a piece of shocking news today at work.
It's both bad and good news, I'm not sure how to make of it. I just feel ambivalent. I definitely feel a sense of loss.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Discipline
Keyboard lesson today was great. My teacher is really inspiring. When he starts playing, I feel so happy and relaxed. It's really quite therapeutic and maybe there really is a place for music therapy. For now, it remains only a dream for me to be really good in music and keyboard because it's so tough and it takes hard work and discipline. I always look at good musicians and think they are who they are simply because they're born with talent. But my teacher just told me that behind the performance, lots of hard work and perseverance are involved. He's probably right. No figure skater can look so graceful on the ice if not for the many falls and long hours of training involved (I'm using this example because I love to see figure skaters). No cook can create such great dishes if not for the hours and years of experimenting and learning how to make something taste good.
I am remind of this verse:
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
The verse has a totally different context and meaning. But the similarity is about how we are being shaped through difficulties. The truth is that God teaches us, through trials and difficulties in order to change us to be more like Him.
Life is really like that sometimes.
It does bring some comfort to know that all the trials are not for nothing, and that they are not the end, even though we may not feel that way at times. :)
I am remind of this verse:
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
The verse has a totally different context and meaning. But the similarity is about how we are being shaped through difficulties. The truth is that God teaches us, through trials and difficulties in order to change us to be more like Him.
Life is really like that sometimes.
It does bring some comfort to know that all the trials are not for nothing, and that they are not the end, even though we may not feel that way at times. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)