The day of the surgery was one of the scariest days of my life. It was mainly scary because of the uncertainty of how the post-surgery pain and discomfort might feel, what the preliminary results would be, what they would be doing with my body parts. It's just the loss of sense of control over my body and life that was really daunting.
The only thing that I could muster and pray to God was to ask Him to help me do what I couldn't do for myself - which is to trust that He is in control and with me. Ironically in doing so, sounds like I did indeed have that little bit of faith. :) And I knew that in no way was God unhappy with me due to my little faith. I had nothing to proof and I knew I needed to proof nothing to Him because He has done everything for me to belong to Him. Knowing this helped though it certainly did not take away the immense fear I experienced.
Anyway, back to the surgery experience.
So it was the most horrible and scary walk in my life to the surgical table, yet, I experienced just enough peace and resolve to do so. I really did not want to be on the general anaesthesia because before that I was imagining all the horrible things the surgeon would be doing to my body (it's hard to tell oneself not to think of it). Thankfully, the surgeon was really patient with me and even asked me if I had any concerns or questions - that gave me some space to mentally prepare myself. Before I knew it, I was given a mask and in less than 2 seconds I was off to sleep.
I woke up feeling chronic pain but the drowsiness from the GA helped to ease the pain. I thought to myself, "Okay so the pain isn't as bad as I thought it would be". Time seemed to pass really fast at the recovery ward though I was in pain and feeling drowsy. Thank God for painkillers. After some hours, I felt good enough to be wheeled back into the main ward. I really like the oxygen they were giving me too, breathing was really easy.
I was on drip and was plugged to a pee catheter. Honestly, I still can't believe that I survived all that. I really hate needles and being poked in anyway, it's just psychologically scary, but somehow I was strangely calm and generally quite comfortable. And I was slightly glad I didn't need to even pee for the first time in my life. It's quite amazing how the catheter works. And I'm also amazed at how I didn't feel hungry for almost 48 hours as I was on drip.
I felt a deep sense of relief that the surgery was over and I also got some good news about my condition. I saw my husband and some friends and was happy I could see familiar faces and assuring presences.
One of the worst things about being in hospital is being disturbed by the nurses. I really disliked them to be honest, though I knew they were just doing their job. And it was the thing that made me mentally strong to make sure I stood up and walk the next day and to practise walking the next few days so I could get discharged ASAP. WHO WAKES ONE UP EVERY HOUR AT NIGHT TO TAKE BLOOD PRESSURE?! AND 1AM IN THE MORNING TO TAKE MEDICATION?!
JUST. GO. AWAY.
Sorry, just ranting.
One of the best things post surgery is being able to fart and start eating, walking and showering again. You just feel alive and thankful for the gift of taste and mobility. My first bowl of porridge was so satisfying and the first shower was a huge mental task but I still felt really good nonetheless.
I'm also really thankful for the friends that came to visit throughout the days. Though I was really tired after each visit, the visits really helped time go by really quickly. And it was heartening to know that there are many people who are concerned and praying for me. One thing I've learnt through observing the friends who came is that to only inform closer friends about one's medical condition and ask them to keep in confidence. Then you won't get people you are not close to you visiting. It also helped to ask friends to let you know when they will be coming so you have some mental preparation. For introverts, these strategies are quite important.
Now that I am back home, the past few days have been really tiring. Not sure why, maybe all the energy is going into the healing process. Even basic daily functions like walking, talking, showering, reading are quite exhausting. I've started to take Vitamin B and it has helped - which is why I can actually type this whole blog entry. :) it is for the reason of being exhausted that I refuse to have visitors come round.
What's best about being back home is that I can finally drink coffee/tea again and I can finally eat the foods that I like to eat. :)) the first cup of coffee was SO GOOD. AND NO MORE DISTURBANCES FROM NURSES. I really do not like disturbances in any form. AND I can live and be reunited with my husband <3
Thankful for a good post surgery preliminary result, thankful for Jesus for because of Him I need not prove my faith and that I am good enough, I can know He will be with me even when I may not consciously acknowledge His presence and thankful for people whom I know do care for me during this process. Thankful for His grace and mercy that I need not have to go through too much physical/mental suffering in the process.
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