Crises and safety

I'm relieved that it is the end of the week. Had quite a lot of crisis cases to handle the past few days and it's been quite emotionally intense.

During one of the cases that I handled, I managed to contain the person and help the person calm down, but after that I felt the impact of his/her internal/external crisis. It was really scary because the feelings of fear and being overwhelmed just came to me immediately after I finished attending to him/her. Usually, I'm more troubled when the person I attend to doesn't calm down or if I am unable to handle the situation. But this time was different because I managed to handle the crisis but after that I felt like I was breaking down myself. I couldn't really think, and make sense of the feelings that I was experiencing.

Shame is always a big factor in preventing me from seeking help. But a sense of safety and assurance that I am not going to be judged is also another big factor in encouraging me to seek help. In the end, I decided that I should seek help because I thought it was quite pointless and scary to continue ruminating.  And I suppose I felt safe enough with most people in my organization. Furthermore, I was going to see another case that I was suppose to counsel and it would be unethical for me to continue to work with the next person if I felt too overwhelmed.

Thankfully, there was a more senior colleague at work... and he prayed for me. THAT REALLY HELPED. I guess when all is said and done, and I've done all I could, I realise that God is the one ultimately in control of all things and people. I did feel better even though I couldn't really understand what I was experiencing internally, and it gave my mind and heart the space to consider that things would be fine because God is with me.

Talking to the right people helped too. In the process, I learned that I was experiencing some sort of secondary trauma, and that I felt unsafe. Putting labels or words to my experience really helped me to settle down to consider and make sense of my experience. Helped me to realise that what I was experiencing is also normal. And after talking to my boyfriend, I learned that I need to help myself to feel safe internally, whenever people or experiences impact me in a manner that makes me feel unsafe. So this is what I have to continue to work on and process in the future.

Feeling more settled now in this aspect.

I'm grateful that God provided the people and support that I needed, and that mostly, I wasn't judged or put down because of my experience. More and more, I find it important for myself to find safety in God and in God's people whom He brings to support along the way. With a sense of safety, it is easier to consider, reflect and think through issues in a logical and helpful manner.

I'm still reflecting upon Psalm 23 this week, and I find myself quite drawn to God who reveals Himself as my Shepherd. I'm drawn to a God who leads and not pushes for change (often it is us human beings who push one another or ourselves to buck up and change), who is present at all times, whose presence promises comfort in spite of trials, who is one I can experience a very personal relationship with.