Freedom comes when I call You Lord

As one can observe from my blog posts, there's been so much tiredness and fatigue from having to handle crises cases on a rather regular basis at work. For sure, I never thought that my work would be so intense and sometimes on a crisis basis. It's not something I really "signed up" for when I wanted to enter the social service field. I thought I avoided the social service agencies that operated on a crisis management framework. It's been so tiring that there have been days where I feel that I have nothing left to give except to operate on auto-pilot mode and not bother to empathize with the people I work with. It's a lot easier not to invest so much of myself. Sometimes when I receive another crisis phonecall, the thought in my mind will be, "what now?" and then I'll roll my eyes and become very task oriented with the person.

Well, I've always enjoyed the fruits of doing more therapeutic work with some of the people I work with, esp when the sessions facilitated their discovery of themselves or life's meaning and purpose.

But I guess, being in the social service field, one cannot escape providing for basic needs and advocating for the people we serve, even if it means to personal sacrifices of our time and (emotional/mental) energy to go an extra mile to be where the person is at (ie meeting basic needs of food, shelter, safety). Probably this is one of the fundamental differences between social work and psychology/psychiatry/counseling. We meet them at their point of need, pace with them, and develop/build people up from there. It's not a glamorous job (at least from the point of society's perception), but hey, perhaps this is the beauty and meaning of what we do when we are able to be where our people are.

Apart from this understanding, I was also reflecting on how tired I was (nothing new), and how perhaps, how anxious and burdened I also was in doing my work. It was like the world was on my shoulders and if I wasn't there, the people/cases would die or something. I didn't feel like going to work with a dark cloud looming over my head and with a very heavy heart, obviously.

Then I reflected, or rather, was reminded of the purpose of which I am doing what I do. My whole purpose in life is to glorify God and reflect Christ. When I thought of life's purpose, as I've always learned in church, glorifying God and reflecting Christ-likeness are very challenging things to do, and I think most of us have been taught that it is such a sacrifice. While I still concur that it is tough, because it goes against our sinful nature, what I've discovered that the most ironic thing is that the more we serve ourselves, the more we will never be satisfied and free. The more we serve God, the more we will be satisfied and liberated from our sinful and self-indulgent selves.

When I was anxious and burdened by my crisis cases, I was actually already beginning to serve myself in some ways. (Not saying that being worried and burdened is a bad thing, because pain and injustice provoke such emotional responses). But when I became really anxious and burdened, and even upset with having to deal with these cases, I realise that part of the anxiety was due to the fact that I felt that I was in control of all life, and that I was only good enough as a person if I could always be the perfect or wonderful social worker to the people I work with.

God pointed out to me once again that my job was not my God and that all I needed to do to earn my position as God's child is to trust in Christ. My job is an opportunity for God to continue to care for the weak and vulnerable in society. God certainly cares for them more than I do and I can trust that He'll work out everything. It's like God telling me -- reflect Christ and let people experience Me through you. I felt a surge of energy within me once again and I experienced the freedom of serving God without having to be trapped and caught up with proving and worshipping myself/my job. Serving God is ultimately liberating, glorifying God is ultimately true freedom. This is the irony that I realised that day. Society tells us that we have to indulge in ourselves and forget all the "rules" to experience freedom. Sometimes, the typical view of Christianity that I usually hear is that serving God is always only pain and sacrifice, and if you're able to do it, you're very "spiritual" or "Godly". While the walk with God can be painful and difficult (even beyond what one feels that one can bear sometimes), there is also comfort and joy in God's presence, grace enough, and freedom experienced when we worship and serve Him.

Perhaps this realization should not even catch us by surprise, because we're made in His likeness and to reflect His likeness. It is our true nature.When we live to our true nature, we can experience joy, hope, peace and freedom.

As for the crisis work from hereon, I admit that it is still struggle when the rubber hits the road each week as I return to office. But I hope to be reminded, and with God's help, to press on for His glory, and while I may not share the gospel outrightly, the weak, the vulnerable in society, can experience God caring and providing for them as I relate with them.