The power of attending and staying with one's pain

Recently I was providing counseling and support to someone who came to our centre. It was one of the more "successful" sessions that I've had because the person felt attended to and wanted to come back for help. I didn't manage to offer any substantial practical solutions for this person's issues, and the truth is that I couldn't, because circumstances were not going to go away so quickly.

Never underestimate the power of attending and validating another person's emotional experience.

It's something that I've learnt during case conference as well. We so often think that if we cannot offer practical help or advice to people, we have failed them, or they may react negatively to us because we have nothing substantial to offer. It's easy to feel anxious and start giving advice or problem solve when problems are presented. Maybe we just want to put things right. But the truth is, many people who need practical help and walk through our doors, are the people who feel broken. When we attend to them as a person (without expectations for them to help us meet our KPIs set for us, without expectations of them having to conform to our own world view), they will start to experience feeling whole: that they matter because their views are being heard, their emotions and struggles are being heard and understood. 

And I suppose when the person feels understood, then it is almost natural for the person to be more open to change facilitated by the counsellor/helper. 

I have nothing against problem-solving, advice-giving and challenging. I think they are needful at appropriate times. But do them prematurely, and one could lose the potential of building the relationship. 

Even though the week has barely started and I'm already feeling pretty tired, but I'm glad for such positive learning experiences that I want to remember so that I can continue to press on. It's not all doom and gloom in our field, and there is hope in how we do what we do, and why we do what we do. 

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” - Maya Angelou