Reflections on Anxiety

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight Proverbs 3:5-6

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus Phil 4:6-7

Recently, I've been reflecting about my relationship with Anxiety. In other words, the function of anxiety in my life.

I realise that I am easily anxious about the things in my life. Especially things or people that give me a sense of security and identity. Also, I have reflected that it seems like an almost "default mode" I get into by getting anxious. It's as if I subconsciously believe that getting anxious is the best way to go about doing things. After all, I've learnt growing up that being anxious gives me the energy to press on with attaining my goal(s) and what I want in life. I can recall incidences in childhood when being anxious was being modeled to me, and I can also recall all the exams that I was anxious about where I ended up scoring good grades. I recall being anxious about things where it seemed that I got what I wanted by being anxious.

It's as if I need anxiety to survive all the time. It's become my sense of security when I am under stress or distress. It feels uncomfortable to not feel anxious and I feel like I need to worry to give me a (false) sense of control. In other words, anxiety has somewhat ruled over my heart and my life, at least in some aspects that I find security and identity.

Proverbs 3:5-6 and Phil 4:6-7 came to mind when I was reflecting on my relationship with this thing called Anxiety. In the past, I used to read the verses as God wanting me to change to have more faith in Him. Being someone with quite a lot of performance anxiety, thinking about the verses this way, sometimes ironically adds more anxiety. And then I feel even more sinful when I cannot measure up to having enough faith.

Reflecting on these verses again brought to light my relationship with Anxiety and my relationship with God. It's not about how much faith that I have, but who I want to find my security in.

Proverbs 3:5 says to "trust in the Lord with all your heart", "acknowledge Him" which really paints a picture of a relationship of security in the Lord. It's about the heart, it's about our person trusting in His Person. It means to lean on God, rather than on our own thoughts and our own abilities. It doesn't mean to not think through things. 

Phil 4:6-7 also says to not be anxious but present our requests to God and about the peace of God that keeps us in Christ. This peace is a relationship with God through Christ that is secure.

What I gather from these verses is really that I have to decide whether I want to continue to have a relationship with Anxiety and let it rule over my heart and let it give me peace, or whether I want to grow to be convicted my relationship with God through Christ, which is secure and in whom and which I can trust in.

And I pray that the Spirit will walk with me to convict me of the security and peace I can find in God through Jesus Christ, rather than continue to have this relationship with anxiety where anxiety rules over my life and I derive some sort of warped sense of peace by being anxious.

I know it's not something easy that I can walk through because this "default mode of operation" of being anxious has been instilled in me by my significant others and life events in my life as I was growing up. 

But the journey is worth embarking on because I want Jesus and I want God. Trusting God is no longer something that I need to do because it is a Christian thing to do, but because the more I reflect on this God who gives us true identity, worth, meaning, hope and security, the more I desire Him and want to put my faith in Him.

Life is no longer about thinking/doing the right Christian thoughts/things, living out the right christian character and doing the right acts of service in church. I've had enough of that as a so-called second generation Christian. Honestly, no one is a second generation Christian by descent.

Change starts from experiencing the grace and love of God from the inside out. And when there is love, trust and security, we will desire to love and trust Him back. We need to constantly stay with experiencing the grace of God, His beauty, His character and reflect on the gospel in all of our lives, rather than say or keep thinking of how we need to be a better Christian. We need to stop being anxious about producing spiritual fruit, but we need to rather be abiding in the true vine that God is still at work with.